


It's a Mad World

by okayserasera



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, luna is a strong believer in arts therapy, luna is luna and that confuses people, mentions of slight gender dysphoria, possible endgame naruto-luna/sasuke, summary: luna is wakes up in sasuke's body and hijinks ensue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-05-01 12:44:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 45,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5206340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okayserasera/pseuds/okayserasera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luna Lovegood awakens during the Uchiha Massacre to find her brother has murdered the entire family; no one believes her when she says the Wrackspurts made him do it. Or how Naruto would turn out if Luna was an SI who lived life in Uchiha Sasuke's shoes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. wrackspurts made him do it

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto and Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me, no profit involved. No warnings other than slight gender dysphoria, set in vague timeline where Luna is in the basement of the Malfoy Manor and Sasuke is walking home to find his family has been massacred. I may or may not continue; if I do, it won't be a crossover since Luna is the only character from Harry Potter that will be present. I'm not sure how in-character everyone is, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
> 
> Also, pairings are definitely not the focus, but if they do occur it's probably going to be be Lunasuke/Naruto, Lunasuke/Sakura/Naruto (just to for Kakashi's expression when they tell him).

My first thought is that Wrackspurts have eaten my brain; my second thought is that they have eaten my brother's. I don't have a brother, but my head is telling me that this angry boy in front of me is my brother: Uchiha Itachi. The people lying on the ground are my parents. My parents from before are gone; at least, my mother is dead and my father is gone wherever Voldemort took him. His name is Lovegood—not Uchiha—Xenop—I cannot remember his name. This does not make very much sense even if there are Wrackspurts involved, does it?

All I can remember is then-Mother—not the one in front of me lying down—sprawled on the floor eyes blank and cold until then-Father—not this one—telling me that I had to let go of her because she was dead. I don't like this memory. I don't want this Mother to be dead. I don't want this Father to have eyes dead as Mother's after she died.

I decide to ask the brother in front of me, "Did they have an accident with a spell? We need to go to St. Mungo's now." My voice sounds different than it usually does, lower like a young boy's.

Brother stops looking angry and his face becomes impassive. He says, "They're dead because I killed them. I wanted to test the limits of my ability." His voice is strange like he rehearsed this, and he reminds me of how the bossy, bushy-haired girl used to lie back when, back when—.

"I don't believe you," I say. This is true, this cannot be true. This is a Crucio Curse, an Imperius Curse, and, no, I don't want this. This is worse than that dark place that I was before. "The Wrackspurts are making you lie or the Nargles made you think I was the one who took your kunai and you're playing a mean joke to get back at me. Stop—it's horrid!"

I try not to get upset; then-Mother, this-Mother too, always said getting upset never solved anything. Nothing got solved when I was upset after then-Mother died, so I smiled and then-Father smiled. it never reached then-Father's eyes though. His eyes looked like Brother's eyes look now. I try smiling at Brother.

Brother begins to mutter, "Madara said he wouldn't," and then he catches himself, "Seeing your parents dead in front of you has made you blind as well as deaf, foolish little brother; our entire family is dead. I was the one who killed them. Do you not hate me?"

"No, I do not hate you, and besides, you are lying. Badly too, " I say. It is all I can say. Just because Brother is lying does not mean I cannot not tell the truth, or if the Wrackspurts are the ones making his mind sick, I must remind him I still love him. Maybe this is just another one his games or training; it is not fun training though…

Brother huffs, "Are you paying attention?" I shake my head, and he grabs my arm, dragging me out to the hallway. There are more bodies slumped there, and my mind tells me that I remember seeing them as I walked to the room. Oh, I don't think I like this. My chest hurts and I realize I have begun crying. It hurts, this is a bad dream, and it hurts so bad I cannot remember why.

"Do you hate me now? Do you wish to kill me?" he asks.

"No," I say, There is nothing much else I can say to that. I stare at the ceiling because I do not want to look at my brother's face or the bodies on the floor. I begin to hum.

Brother looks confused.

There is an silence and I feel like I was cruel although I didn't mean to be. I say, " I think you may not be alright in the head right now. It's okay, though, I don't feel like I'm quite alright in the head. I think it's seeing everybody dead. It's quite a shock."

He starts to laugh like a cruel laugh, but I do not think he's laughing at me. "You will hate me with time, foolish little brother. If you wish to kill me, hate me, detest me, and yet survive in an unsightly way. Run. Run and cling to life, and then one day when you have the same eyes as I do, come before me."

Brother was never good at public-speaking. I remember—how do I remember this time and not remember before?— this-Father trying to teach him how to have a conversation like a normal person since he was going to be clan head. Brother was always too soft-spoken or too exaggerated as if he did not know how normal people talked.

"You're being too dramatic. Why would I want to kill you? Everyone else is dead and why would I want to kill you—" my little boy's voice breaks—"you're my brother, my family."

Brother snarls softly and reaches for my head. His eyes look all swirly and red like bloody windmills. _Is this Occlumency-genjutsu?_ , I wonder. My world changes. Everything becomes black and red and everyone is dying again and again and again. This hurts worse than the red light that made me scream in the darkness before. I cannot remember when I started screaming; I only know I cannot stop.

After what seems like forever, it ends and I do not understand. It's not real or it's a trick; it has to be. Like Petter Pettigrew actually murdering all those people they said Sirius Black did—wait, that turned out badly and Sirius was only found innocent after he died, and who is Sirius Black and how do I know his name? I fall to the ground and think about my life and the world. I decide the world is horrible-mad, this may not be caused all by Wrackspurts, and I miss my relatives. The ones that are dead on the floor next to me, that is. I feel very upset, and I do not want to smile ever again. Then-Father and this-Father are both dead in all the ways that matter anyways.

I stay on the floor and drool falls from my mouth. Brother turns to go. I manage to get up. I am crying even harder, and I don't want Brother to think I am even more pathetic. "Don't go," I sob, "even if you did kill them, I still love you. And why would you? Why? The Wrack—"

Brother, back turned to me, sneers, "It was of great importance."

"No," I say one last time as I try to grab him, "I still love you."

Brother turns around, grabs me by my throat, and slams me against a wall. I cannot tell him I love him anymore because it is hard to breathe. I think he is crying, but my vision is blurry. Something wet like a teardrop falls on my face, and then everything goes black.

I hope I don't wake up.


	2. hope a lethifold eats him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: A Lovegood and a Shimura walk into a hospital room; a happy conversation it does not make. Next up: Sasuke-Luna is reintegrated back into sane society and makes a friend. Naruto & Sakura appear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto and Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me, no profit involved. No warnings other than slight gender dysphoria. Updates are going to be sparse until mid-December because winter (and finals) are coming. Also, Luna is probably going to be a bit OOC at times and maybe suffer from the Curse of Hatred (except in a Luna-esque way) because I personally think angry!Luna would be terrifyingly fun to write.

In the end, I do wake up.

I find myself in a hospital bed enclosed by a small and white room. There is a nurse with pinched face that pinches up even more when I ask for Brother. She says she is going to get the Hokage. My memories tell me that Hokage is something a bit like the Minister of Magic. I hope this Hokage of Shinobi is less corrupt than Cornelius F—I do not remember his whole name. I do not think I remember my name, or my old one that is, either.

 _Think, think. You're not loony. You did not go mad in the darkness and the red light and everyone dying before. You're not mad now. You think thoughts as well as you did before. You just think thoughts differently no matter what anyone says,_ I tell myself.

So apparently I can remember this and that from my before-life, though the memories are getting harder to come by, but I cannot remember many names from the before-life. I have all my memories from this life, however. Thinking about them is hazy-clear, as if I did not really live them, but I can still remember smiling now-Mother and grumpy now-Father and _feel_ them. I love them. I loved them? Where is Brother? I want him to explain. Perhaps I have died and then reawakened in this-life? Then-Father used to tell me souls never truly left us when they died.

Also, if I am dead, I cannot go back to my before-life; that would violate Nature's laws. I don't think I want to; it was ending badly. And my before-life people whose names I cannot remember are dead or gone there as well, I well. My family here is dead, too. It feels numb that I cannot do anything to change anything about either sets of my family-friends being dead; usually I feel numb, though, so this is not a change other than I feel emptier than usual. Empty.

My eyes flicker to the empty white walls around the room. There is nothing on them except a mirror which shows a pale, black-haired boy looking back at me. This is my body; I am the young boy. I suppose being younger is inconvenient; it's terribly hard to reach the high things on shelves. I also suppose being a boy means I have a penis. I am not sure what to think of this, but granted, awakening in a new body to a murdered family and a brother with a Wrackspurt-infested mind is probably the more pressing matter.

The door to the small white room opens and a man covered in bandages comes in. He says his name is Shimura Danzo. I do not think I care for him at all. Apparently, I can feel auras now—chakra, my brain tells me—and his is twisted and dark and hiding.

"Uchiha Itachi committed a horrendous betrayal to both the village of Konohakagure and your family, murdering your entire clan in cold blood," Mr. Danzo announces, "You can rest assured that he will be caught and brought to justice. He is a murderer and a traitor. Konoha will not forgive that."

How would they know that Brother did this when I was the only person alive who witnessed it? Where is Brother?

I blink. "How do you know it was Brother? I don't think it was even though he said he did it. Either someone forced him to lie or Wrackspurts made him do—," I break off and decide to change the subject. Official types are too rigid to believe in Wrackspurts anyways. "Besides, you are a horrible liar, Mr. Danzo, even worse than Brother. Please leave." I do not want to hear his lies.

Mr. Danzo twitches and he responds, "The Uchiha traitor killed your family and he left you behind. Uchiha Itachi told you this himself. The Hokage has sent out a proclamation. Why would you think differently than the Hokage and the rest of the village?" I am not sure Mr. Danzo is threatening or interrogating me.

"Because it is all lies. Is that what people are saying?" I ask absently. If it is indeed the commonly-held belief, Itachi's name must be cleared because he is innocent. Perhaps this is a conspiracy or a cover-up. The Ministry in my before-life did that that one time with those poor goblins that Cor—what is his name?—baked into pies and ate. I will not let the same happen with my own flesh-and-blood of my this-life. The Uchiha will not be cannibalized and turned into metaphorical goblin-Uchiha confectionary to hide society's corruption.

"My brother is innocent, and I want to talk to a reporter," I request, "Brother's side of the story must be heard by the public. I am sure this is all just a conspiracy. With the proper media coverage, my family will be avenged in a proper court of law. They were murdered, yes, but I don't know why."

Mr. Danzo looks at me like I have grown a third head; growing a third head is impossible so it must be what what I have said. He hisses, "There is no law other than the Hokage's and mine since I am his right-hand man. You are an upset child, and you are babbling. What makes you think there is a conspiracy?"

I laugh delightedly; there is no greater evidence of a governmental conspiracy than a denial of a conspiracy.

Mr. Danzo now looks like he wants to violently murder me. Something bubbles inside me—hysteria or bitterness I do not know—but I remain calm and persist, "I want to find the truth because it does not scare me. Does the truth scare you? Why? An adult like you should not be a coward."

My little boy's voice remains steady. Then-Father always told me to remain steady when interviewing a source to find the truth behind a matter.

The man's face narrows and he starts towards me. I can feel that he wants to kill me to stop my talking—strange. No one has ever been scared of me before. Wary, on-guard, but never afraid. Mr. Danzo will probably become violent, but the door opens again before he can. An old man with a funny hat flanked by two guards enters. This is the Hokage.

"Danzo, you forget yourself!" the funny-hat Hokage shouts. Danzo stops and hisses, "The boy refuses to believe Uchiha Itachi is a traitor who killed his own blood. He is talking nonsense about conspiracies and—"

"Wrackspurts," I helpfully add, "though I think that may only be part of what actually happened. I think that someone put an Imperius Curse on Brother or someone took that…that potion which changes how you look murdered my family. There is no way Brother could have done that, Mr. Hokage."

The Hokage closes his eyes and motions for guards to leave. Mr. Danzo is looked less angry now and more disgusted and…confused? What I said makes perfect sense to me.

"Sasuke, you are very distraught and have recently experienced a traumatic experience. Once you are feeling better, you can tell us about what happened. Do not feel like you have to talk about it right now," the Hokage begins.

I am not crazy and I can talk about what has happened now. I just need convince the Hokage of that.

"No," I say calmly, "other than my family being dead, I am perfectly fine. Also, I think I may have been reincarnated into this body; before, I was a teenage girl with friends and magic and a vagina. Now, I am small and I have a penis which is not as upsetting as my family being dead and everyone lying about it, I admit, but—"

Perhaps I am upset. I usually do not speak so crudely. This is strange and I feel disconnected from my body as if my mouth is opening and sounds are coming out. I manage to stop my talking. Mr. Danzo's face looks smugger and smugger with every word coming out of my mouth, and I cannot think straight. I decide, for some reason, I do not like this man. I have never purposefully not liked anyone before. Maybe being reborn has changed me.

Danzo—I will not call him Mr. Danzo anymore; he does not deserve that—looks relieved and Hokage looks horrified. "Your poor child," he says, " the Tsukuyomi must have… your mind, it is completely gone."

Danzo merely smiles a cat-eating-mouse smile and says, "I request custody of Uchiha Sasuke. It is obvious that this event has scarred his mind permanently and I believe that my training methods would—"

At this, the Hokage sets his shoulders and orders, "Leave now, Danzo, I have put up with enough of your transgressions in the last month to last a lifetime!"

Danzo leaves. "I hope a Lethifold eats him," I mutter under my breath.

Mr. Hokage laughs wearily and pats me on the head, "Don't we all, Sasuke. I'm going to get you a counselor to evaluate your mental status. Don't worry; I will take care of everything. It is the least that can be done after everything that has happened."

"Don't worry, Mr. Hokage," I smile, "I have never felt more sane."

Mr. Hokage just looks tired and smiles sadly as he leaves the room.

Luckily, my before-life has given me plenty of practice of living in a world that thinks I'm loony. But this world is more mad than I could ever be, I think.

 


	3. konoha academy of child soldiers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Lunasuke does not understand the public nudity taboo, and Naruto & Lunasuke are pity-friended. Next up: Kakashi and Lunasuke have a conversation & Naruto is in danger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto and Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me, no profit involved. No warnings other than slight gender dysphoria. Updates are going to be sparse until mid-December because winter (and finals) are coming. Also, Luna is probably going to be a bit OOC at times and maybe suffer from the Curse of Hatred (except in a Luna-esque way) because I personally think angry!Luna would be terrifyingly fun to write.

A few months or so have passed. Danzo came into the small white room in few more times and stared at me; he always left without saying anything. I still severely dislike him. I try not to, though; disliking people severely is bad for the heart. Even if it is hope-he-becomes-lethifold-food Danzo.

They have decided I am stable enough to go back to the Academy and learn how to better kill people. By they, I mean the blonde mind-walkers they call Yamanakas; they went into my head and asked me many questions and told me my memories of my before-life were a defense mechanism that my psyche came up to recover from the mental scarring caused by Brother's genjutsu torture. I didn't want to be trapped in the empty white room anymore so I agreed, said my life goal was to violently murder Brother, and they let me out so I could see the sunshine.

Except I still have to go back once every two weeks for mandatory therapy. There's always that.

It's curious what people will do when you say what they want to hear, especially in the military, tolitarian regime this society appears be. The Hokage-sama—people look at me funnier than usual when I call him Mr. Hokage—seems nice enough for a dictator though, and so as long as I don't mention conspiracy theories, I can talk about my before-life with him just grimacing and looking pained. He did like the purple flowers I re-decorated his silly hat with though.

At the Academy, things are different from my before-memories. The boys eye me warily and whisper and the other girls sigh and offer me chocolates to make me feel better. Also, everyone has been avoiding me since I gave a presentation to the class on why Dementors acting as guards for criminals with long-term prison sentences was detrimental to society. When I was describing the Dementor's Kiss, the class looked very green. The girls stopped flirting with me for two days though, which was good while it lasted. It is very bothersome continually ignoring them since they are mentally eight and I am not. They do not seem to understand, "No thank-you, I am not interested."

After my Dementor presentation, Iruka-sensei came up to me and said, "You have a very active imagination, don't you?" and started to talk about when his parents died. Now, he is my only friend. I think it very sad that the only thing that we have to bond over is dead parents. Despite this, Iruka-sensei is very interesting and a good teacher. His lessons on chakra and battle formations are fascinating; paying attention to them is more interesting than anything else. Iruka-sensei always lets me read ahead and gives me restricted scrolls if ask nicely, too. I'm not sure how I'm going to clear Brother's name, but knowledge and learning is the basis to finding the Truth.

Iruka-sensei has left the room now, and I am reading one of his scrolls when a pink-haired girl comes up to me. I look up at her and she stutters, "Do you, do youwantsomebento, Sasuke-kun?" She pushes a box out at me and bows quickly.

"No," I say, "you can eat it perhaps, or maybe give it that boy in orange who always sits by himself." I am not hungry, and I think that is her only lunch. If she's not hungry, then she give it that boy since he never brings lunch. Maybe his parents aren't good cooks and he throws it out?

"You want me to give it to Naruto?!" the girl shrieks, "He's annoying and stupid and everybody hates him! And so do I!"

"It isn't kind to call people stupid even if they are stupid," I tell her, "and you aren't being nice right now, are you? You didn't like it when those girls weren't nice to you and made fun of your big forehead, so let's be nice to Naruto. That way you'll have good karma."

The girl's lip to tremble and she looks like she is about to cry. This isn't good. There may have been a nicer way of saying that.

The boy in orange—Naruto— sees this and gets up, getting ready to storm over. From what I have seen in the past, this is the part where he yells that he is going to be Hokage and tries to fight someone. Usually, he loses. He's never tried to fight me before, so I wonder how this will turn out. I am good at ninjutsu and book-work, but shifty-eyed Mizuki-sensei says I lack viciousness with my taijutsu. I think not being vicious is a good thing, but then again, I also think not being a child soldier is also a good thing. A lot of people here don't hold my opinion.

"Bastard! You made Sakura-chan cry; now you're going to get it!" Naruto bellows. He falls into fighting stance. There must be something in the water here that makes these children so violent.

"I'm sorry for upsetting you, Sakura, but I don't want to fight you, Naruto. It would upset Iruka-sensei," I tell him, "besides even if we did, you probably would not win."

The boy's whiskered cheeks screw up and his eyes narrow. If my observations are correct, he is about to do something disruptive to the learning experience.

"My name is Uzumaki Naruto"—yes I know his name; he announces it every day so I don't know why he's telling it to me again—"and I am going to be Hokage and defeat everyone in the village, starting with you!" He stomps his foot for emphasis.

I stare at him. Nargles chirp. He begins to make handsigns, there is a poof of smoke, and he changes into a….naked woman? My stomach begins to flutter and I lunge forward and grab one of his undulating breasts. I may have come to accept my current body, but that doesn't mean I miss my old one. He stumbles backwards and turns back to an eight-year-old boy.

"You were a boy, then you were a women with _breasts_ ," I proclaim reverently, "and then you are a boy again. You are a _genius!_ Teach me, please!"

Naruto blinks slowly as if he cannot believe this happening before pointing a finger at me saying, "You….you…pervert!"

The pink-haired Sakura makes a gagging noise. Nara Shikamaru, sitting a few seats down, lifts his head lazily and blinks at us in cat-like interest. Akimichi Choji munches on yet another chip.

"I'm not a pervert," I clarify, "I'm just curious, so could could you teach that jutsu to me?"

Naruto splutters and begins to respond. He is cut off by a blur of pink and fists. "Sasuke-kun is not a pervert! You're the pervert and you've corrupted him!" Sakura cries, "Why do you have to ruin everything? He was the only boy in our class that didn't pick at his butt or eat boogers!"

I watch their fight in a daze for a moment as Sakura elbows Naruto in the crotch while managing to trap him a headlock at the same time; Sakura is usually so docile. I decide there is definitely something in the water that makes these children violent. I will have to talk to Mr. Hokage-sama about it.

I decide to join in and break the fight up. I cannot have Sakura bludgeon Naruto to death before he teaches me that jutsu. I tackle her from behind and promptly get bitten for my actions. Of course, it is at that moment Iruka-sensei reenters the classroom.

Naruto uses the opportunity to change back into a naked blonde woman. I follow his handsigns and am able to copy him. For one glorious minute, I feel right again. Then, Sakura thwacks both our heads and we poof back into preadolescent boys.

At this point, the classroom is in an uproar and a blushing Iruka-senesei hisses, "Detention, all three of you."

And this is how Sakura, Naruto, and I end in classroom with an increasingly reddening Iruka-sensei and a snickering Mizuki-sensei.

"You two boys are really too young to be using that jutsu," Irunka-sensei stutters,"and Sakura, you cannot just hit someone every time they make you angry. This is the third time this week."

"What do you mean a jutsu like that?" I wonder, "it's not very dangerous or anything. Just very naked. Plus, wouldn't it work as a wonderful distraction technique? We should teach it to everyone!"

"See, I told you, Iruka-sensei," Sakura mutters sulkily, "I only was hitting Naruto because he made Sasuke-kun weird." She leans forward in her seat and whispers behind her hand, "Now, he's a pervert."

Naruto is glaring at the ground hard. I come to his defense and tell everyone, "There is nothing perverted about being naked. It was the way we came into Nature. Why would you think that?"

Iruka-sensei sighs, "You're getting older now, Sasuke, and your body is going to start changing and you may start feeling new things"—Sakura squeaks and Naruto looks like he wants to sink into the floor. I nod. I have only heard the talk from then-Mother and that was as a girl and she talked a lot about sharing auras and Nargle mating-habits—"Under clothes, girl bodies are different than boy bodies and the other way around, and sometimes, as they get older—" Iruka-sensei breaks off.

"And then what? I still don't see why not wearing clothes is a bad thing. Besides, Mizuki-sensei seems to like it; he was reading that magazine with all the breasts and penises the other day when we were taking the theory test, " I rejoin. Mizuki-sensei stops sniggering. Naruto starts sniggering.

"Well, men and women..." Iruka-senesi buries his face in his hands and blurts, "they can have intercourse, and you shouldn't go prancing as a naked woman. It's shameless, and we'll talk more about this during our sexual education unit."

"But, Iruka-sensei…" I protest.

"Sasuke-kun, no," Sakura orders solidly. Besides her, Naruto nods his head empathetically.

"Sasuke, yes," I say before continuing, "how will I understand what's wrong if—"

Iruka-sensei shakes his head and drags Mizuki-sensei out of the room. We are left to polish a mound of dull kunai and shruiken in punishment for disrupting the learning environment. I lean forward to begin the task, but I drop a shruiken when my hand throbs. Naruto eyes me and catches my hand.

"Bastard, what happened to your hands?" he demands angrily, "did someone do this to you? Are they hurting you too?"

I look at my hands: they are torn-up and a few of my fingernails have fallen out. Oh. "I'd forgotten about that," I confess, "I was trying to scrub out the bloodstains out of the floorboards, but they wouldn't come out so I tore them up,"

"Bloodstains?" Sakura asks, green eyes widening.

"Oh, yes, I clean when I'm upset, and I'm upset quite often these days," I say dreamily. I don't want to be thinking about this at school; I think of it quite often when I'm in the empty compound alone at night. Both Naruto and Sakura are looking at me now.

"They think Brother murdered my family," I explain, "but they're wrong. But why did you think someone did this to me 'too'? Does someone do something like that to you? If they did, you should know that is wrong and against the law." Then-Father—no, no I called him Daddy—wrote an article on the neglect that went on in orphanages for selkie pups; I assume it is a criminal offense for child soldiers as well.

Naruto opens and closes his mouth. He says nothing. Usually, Naruto says everything. Silence does not suit him.

Sakura looks at both of us before hesitantly saying, "Naruto, if your parents are—"

"I don't have any parents, and nobody can hurt me," Naruto bites out scowling. Then, he twists his scowl into a grimacing smile and yells, "So I'm going to be strong and the best Hokage ever and the whole village is going to be the family!"

The whole village hates him. I can see that every time I watch him walk into the Academy late and the parents dropping their children off whisper and stare. I cannot understand why though.

Sakura bites her lip and her eyes begin to shimmer. "Do you want—do you want," she hesistates, "to come over for dinner? My parents said I could bring friends over if I want."

"Friends?" Naruto asks, lunging towards her. His face looks so hopeful. Sakura backs away but she nods.

"Friends," I say. I remember the classes with the red-haired girl from my before-life. I remember the black-haired cousin from this life I used to play with from this-life. I miss them both and my chests hurts. "I miss having friends."

"We can be friends," Sakura offers.

Naruto looks eager. "Does this mean we can hug?" he asks, leering as much as an eight-year-old can.

" _No_!" Sakura snarls, " _No touching_! It means that we can talk and eat lunch together and study and give each other makeovers. You are learning manners and gonna buy clothes that aren't orange!" She looks at me and hastily reassures me, "Not you though, Sasuke-kun, you are polite and look perfect just the way you are. Just stop changing into naked people, and you'll be fine."

I nod. I think I'm going to like having friends.


	4. i wish maito gai was my jounin-sensei

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Kakashi has a rival in his future student's affections! Next up: Mizuki-sensei is confronted and Lunasuke has a brilliant plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto and Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me, no profit involved. No warnings other than mentions of 'bad porn' and slight gender dysphoria. Next update should be sometime late next week for sure because of annoying things called term papers though.
> 
> This is also being posted on fanfiction under the same username.
> 
> Final pairings are going to be Luna-Sasuke/Naruto, though it is a long way off and will not be the focus.

The years pass slowly, and I turn eleven. As clouds drift and I dream, I listen to whispers. I do not really understand them. Teachers and adults whisper about Sound and Sand and alliances and an Orochimaru that wears a red-cloud cape. Nothing about Brother though; the whispers about him have faded into a scary tale for children—like how Muggles tell their young those silly stories about metal car-things that supposedly squish you if you don't look both ways as you cross the road. My brain works more slowly to understand _why_ than it did in my before-life. Then, in the before-life, the war I fought seemed just and worthy because it protected my friends, or it seemed so at the time. The war all the adults say is coming now seems to be about trade and money and silly things that are not worth a human life.

Sakura and Naruto and I stay friends; though, Sakura-less, Naruto and I stick together as two more often than not. Sometimes Sakura's friend Ino, who comes from the Yamanaka mind-walkers family, tries to talk with us, too. She is very proud of her hair—something she always seems to brushing and tossing about in front of me—but she is less strict about things like being proper than Sakura is; also, she is less violent, which is very good. I still prefer Sakura though; something about being able to go into someone's mind and steal their body makes me shiver. If anyone tries it with me, I don't know what I would do.

"Sasuke-kun," Ino had asked one time, "my dad's been teaching me some of my clan's secret techniques. Would you like to learn them with me?"

"But I am not part of your clan," I mumbled, scooting away, "besides, if you told them to me then, wouldn't they stop being secrets?"

She blinked and scooted closer and said eagerly, "Well, if you promised me to become part of my clan later on when we're older…"

"But I am a very honest person so I can't keep secrets for very long anyways," I had admitted, "also, I had to deal with some of your clan techniques used on me in therapy after Brother was framed for murdering everyone, so no, but thank-you for the offer. It was very kind of you."

Ino stops playing with her hair and stutters, "Therapy? Brother? Framed for murdering everyone?!"

"Yes," I said brightly, "It was all a conspiracy though! I'm going to figure out who actually did it! Also, could you back up a little? When people get too close, I get a little panicky."

After that, Ino backed away and patted me on the shoulder unsurely. "I'm so sorry. I didn't realize," she paused, "… it must have been very rough." Since then, Ino has been terrorizing any girls that invade my personal space. It is like she was a rabid blonde Neezle that has claimed me as its owner and will maul anyone that thinks otherwise. I think Ino is very sweet sometimes.

Still, having kind-of friends is nice. And Naruto has gotten to the point where he does not even bat an eyelash when I use his jutsu to turn into a naked woman. He tried to teach me a henge to put clothes on my body, but it does not feel as liberating. So I 'prance,' as Iruka-sensei calls it, around naked and Naruto mutters "pervert" under his breath. I then say, "I'm just curious," and Naruto flushes like a tomato. I like tomatoes.

Sakura says boys are weird and we should find a new bonding ritual. I then say I like our bonding ritual, but if it her bothers her that much, I'll henge on clothes. Then, Sakura looks long-suffering. She sighs when I tell her this is her and my special bonding ritual. She flushes even harder than Naruto when I turn into a naked man with that jutsu though; I just think there is something about being naked that feels liberating no matter what kind of body it is.

Sometimes, though, I like going off myself. It feels nice to be surrounded by me and only my own thoughts. I am sitting here by myself right now at the memorial stone I always come to. It has the names of all my family that died—except the children; they aren't here because they were too young to be ninja when they died—and I repeat them to myself. I don't want to forget their names like I did those from my before-life.

Also, the name at the very top of the stone is the name Brother said the night everything went wrong: Uchiha Madara. I've looked through the clan records and the Academy library, but there is nothing about him other than he founded Konoha and then left. Whenever I ask Mr. Hokage-sama, he tells me let the dead bury the dead. I assume that means Madara would be a useful source of information.

If it were not for the fact he was dead, hence making my investigation a dead-end. I don't know where I can go to find more information without leaving Konoha though; perhaps my access to information will be better when I am officially a genin. I know this-Mother and this-Father would never want me to leave Konoha, even in the pursuit of Truth; Konoha, afterall, is my and my friends' home.

"Mother," I say, "I miss you, and Father, too…and Cousin Shisui and Little Megumi and," I break off as I hear someone approaching behind me. It is tall, greyhaired man wearing a mask; he looks rather lost. Also, he is reading porn without any shame. Most adults would be ashamed.

"Yo," the masked man asks, "aren't you a little young to be out so late all alone? It isn't safe this time of night especially with everything that has been happening."

"What has been happening?" I question, "Are you talking about the war that is coming? Besides, I'm not alone; I'm with my family and now with you."

The greyhaired man slouches awkwardly and mumbles, "Yes, but I'm a stranger; you shouldn't be talking to strangers about things you shouldn't even know about in the first place—" he looks around exaggeratedly—"and no one else is here but you and me."

"Yes, they're all on the rock technically, but also in my heart as well," I reply, "and I've talked to stranger strangers—the other day I met this shiny-toothed man that could cast illusions of rainbows and sunsets just by smiling—" I sigh "—he is so wise. In dwarven cultures, green is a sign of intelligence, you know."

"Your family is all on the rock," the man breaks off awkwardly, "you must be Itachi's li—Sasuke, and you were talking about a Maito Gai, right? He's my friend—"

"Does he already have students?!" I interrupt, "I would love to learn from him, and we find out our jounin-sensei tomorrow."

"You want Maito Guy to be your…jounin-sensei?" the man asks. The side of his face under the mask seems to be raising an eyebrow.

"Yes," I say, "he is very wise…and his eyebrows are—his eyebrows are—I like them very much. Are you the one who is his eternal rival? He told me about you; you are very lucky. He is the best, I suppose, even better than Mr. Hokage-sama."

"Maito Gai is the best, you suppose, and I am very lucky," the greyhaired man repeats in a monotone—Hatake Kakashi, I think his name is. Suddenly, an alarm signaling an attack to the village sounds and Hatake Kakashi's monotone breaks. Oh, I see this is why jounin are so feared. He looks like a hound about to burst into hunt.

He grabs my shoulder, "Sasuke, we're going to walk you back to your apartment, and then you're going to stay there until the signal that it's safe to come out. Do you understand?"

I nod. Understanding does not mean obedience. I know Naruto is still out; he was going to talk with Mizuki-sensei about his exam results after school. Mizuki-sensei has shifty eyes and he reads porn—not the nice kind though, the bad kind with people grimacing in pain and it's horrid—when he thinks no one, meaning Iruka-sensei, is looking. He always seems to forget about me though.

I blink and the surroundings flicker as Kakashi teleports us like Cousin Shisui used to do. We are at the apartment I moved into after I left the compound. I never did get the floorboards in the old house clean.

"But, my friend Naruto," I tell the jounin, "he's still at the school with Mizuki-sensei. You can't trust him, though. He reads bad porn when he thinks we're not looking, but I always see. You need to help me rescue Naruto now."

Kakashi stops and stares at me before saying, "Brat, a child your age shouldn't heckle a man on his reading mater—wait, what kind of bad porn?"

"I think it was called _Shokushu Danjon_ , but I honestly wasn't looking after what was on the first page."

Kakashi pales and curses under his breath. "Honestly, they let these people watch after children?" he complains, "Now, you stay here and don't follow me."

Nodding implies understanding—not obedience. Besides, Sakura and I have been looking after Naruto better than any of the adults in this village have been. They all hate him, but Naruto has the purest aura I've ever seen.

I wait until I feel the man's chakra disappear and I slip out the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bad porn, or Shokushu Danjon, roughly translates to Tentacle Dungeon because I feel like it would a very bad type of porn to unsettle the unflappable, Icha Icha-reading Kakashi. In my head, it's the result of Orochimaru thinking anything Jiraiya could do he could do better, even writing porn. Orochimaru wrote only one book in the series before fleeing Konoha and a teenage Kakashi was left on the floor after one page, muttering "the horror."


	5. fight the good fight (or not)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Lunasuke interests Orochimaru and saves Naruto from being Akatsuki before promptly passing up. Next up: Teams are formed and Kakashi is long-suffering. Lunasuke's favorite and least favorite person appear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto and Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me, no profit involved. No warnings other than slight violence and some bad language. This is Canon AU (other than the whole Luna being reborn as Uchiha Sasuke), so there's going to be some differences in the plot and characterizations and the way people fight from here on out.

Sometimes I have thoughts that seem quite clever at the time, but then as time passes seem, they seem less clever as I'm acting them upon reality instead of just imagining them in my head. Like now—Sakura seems to think I'm being very stupid; she says that Kakashi will be save Naruto all on his own, we''ll just get in the way, and get us, as well as Naruto, in a bad situation.

"How do we know if Kakashi is different from the rest of the villagers who hate Naruto?" I insist, "He looked very lost and confused the whole time I was talking to him. What if he just decides he'd rather read his porn than go to all the trouble? Reading porn is fine but not when Naruto is in dangerous."

"A jounin wouldn't just let a genin, even a maybe-failed genin like Naruto, die because he was too busy reading porn, Sasuke-kun, and Mizuki-sensei is with Naruto, so he's safe," Sakura asserts, "and we've talked about this, Sasuke-kun. Conspiracy theories aren't real."

"Mizuki-sensei has eyes—like a, like a small Kappa that derives pleasure from eating and torturing small fish," I say, "he makes me cold…listen to me for once, Sakura, please."

Sakura pauses thoughtfully and murmurs, "You seem as out-of-it as ever, but you really are upset, aren't you? You actually mentioned a make-believe animal that I recognize for once. Okay, I still don't believe you about Mizuki-sensei being evil, but if that moron is in danger, we better rescue him before he gets himself hurt. Naruto's _ours_ ; no one else gets to thwack him except me."

I smile and remind her, "Thwacking isn't nice, Sakura; if you like Naruto, you should just tell him that—" Sakura flushes and sputters "—after all, we're all friends, right?"

Sakura nods her head fervently and says , "Friends, yes, friends."

I smile at her and Sakura flushes even harder. I take this as a sign to to head out and slip out of Sakura's window. Like shadow, she follows.

We head towards the Academy; I sense—I've always been good at sensing things in this body—no chakra coming from the building so I motion to Sakura for us to search the woods by the Academy.

About a half a mile into the woods, I feel it—there is chakra red and twisting and immense and ancient—Sakura trembles and falls to her knees. "We need to get out of here; that chakra—it's wrong," she cries, "we need to get the Hokage…it has to be someone attacking! It's protocol; the village is danger!"

"You can get Mr. Hokage-sama…and Gai-sensei," I tell her, "and do be safe; I'm going to find out some more and meet whoever you can bring back here in twenty minutes. That way the situation can be approached with some knowledge of what's going on. "

Sakura looks hesitant, but then she blinks slowly and says, "That's actually a good idea. Just promise me you won't let yourself be seen. That chakra's too strong to be Mizuki-sensei's so it's not that. Naruto's probably back at his apartment eating ramen, so you promise not do anything stupid and heroic, Sasuke-kun."

I nod. Nodding implies understanding but not obedience. I nod quite a lot these days. As a future child soldier learning that I will obey orders or be court-martialed once I become genin, I have learned disagreement is dangerous and dissent is frowned upon in Konohakagure. There are even censors for the newspapers that do exist here so I cannot go to them with my stories of metaphorical Uchiha-goblin pies. Also, there is laws forbidding ninja from talking to even the censored press about things that are classified; my family's death is classified… I trust Mr. Hokage-sama though; he is so kind, like the man with the silvery beard and glasses from my before-life. I don't think he knows anything about the conspiracy.

Sakura darts away and I head to the area where that chakra, which is like nothing else I have experienced before, is coming from. This-Mother always said I was too curious for my own good.

When I arrive, I stay back to think about what to do. The scene reads like one of those horrible stories of how they described battle in the Academy. Kakashi stood to the side, hands out like he's trying to stop something; Iruka-sensei lays unconscious at his feet. Something crawling and orange-blazing is curled in ball on the ground. This is no good, no good, no—oh that feeling of killing in the air makes my skin crawl.

I hear laughter and look past the crawling-orange thing to see a corpse-like man. His eyes are yellow like a snake's and he wears a cloak with red clouds. Orochimaru, the mad scientist and traitor, as people call him, I remember. When everyone talked about how horrifying Orochimaru is, they never mentioned he has such lovely hair though. Or how he seems to like talking so very much that he keeps on talking instead of fighting even when Kakashi looks faintly murderous.

Which is saying something about angry Kakashi is; his mask makes it very hard to see what his face is saying.

"Well, the piece of trash that could not even manage to deliver me a twelve-year-old genin any without trouble has finally died," Orochimaru sneers, " and I can move onto you. Do not be foolish enough to think you can stop me, so why don't you turn around and hide like when your dearest sensei was dying, Kakashi-kun? When I manage to take Naruto-kun to—"

Kakashi snarls. He appears to be more than faintly murderous now. Lightning begins to dance around him. The lightning looks so pretty; I think I may like lightning. I wonder what it would be like to combine Sexy no Jutsu and whatever Kakashi is doing...

At at Orochimaru's feet, I finally notice that Mizuki-sensei lays dead. I feel my heart chill. My eyes flicker to the orange-red body that lies writhing on the ground. Naruto—he's, he's hurting; he's the body leaking that orange-red chakra. I lurch forward and try to touch him, but the chakra burns my hands. Now, both Kakashi and Orochimaru stop and stare at me. Perhaps this was not a good idea.

I shield Naruto from Orochimaru's yellow gaze and try to straighten myself into a fighting stance.

"Sasuke, leave and find cover now. This is an order," Kakashi says tersely. I shake my head and look at Orochimaru.

"You should leave now," I tell Orochimaru, "My friend is getting Mr. Hokage-sama and Gai-sensei, who is the stongest, wisest person in all of Konoha. Also, I suppose Kakashi isn't that bad either. He's a jounin after all, you know. So you don't stand of a chance of winning. Staying here to monologue is silly if you think about it then even if you seem to really like. So shoo. Shoo." I flap my hand at him.

Orochimaru's smirking face twists into a genuine smile. "So this is the last Uchiha? I never would imagined you being such a fearless little boy," he purrs. His tongue falls out and starts towards to hurtle towards me, but Kakashi comes to pull me away. I didn't know tongues could be that long—maybe he is part snake?

I shrug off Kakashi's grip on me. Clearly, Orochimaru likes having conversations more than fighting, so if I talk to him long enough for Sakura to get help, everything will be fine.

"Not the last Uchiha—I guess I'm the only one in Konoha nowadays if you want to be technical. There's still Brother wherever he us," I chirp, "and once he comes back, there will be two of us and we can be a family again."

Orochimaru's smile grows wider. He purrs even more like a cat-snake-hybrid-thing, "You still call Itachi-kun Brother and want to be a family again, Sasuke-kun? After he killed your family and left you? Such a strange, forgiving child."

I begin to open my mouth to defend Brother, but Kakashi cuts me off with a harsh, "Guard Naruto and Iruka! Get them to cover if you can!" He lunges towards Orochimaru and lightning chirps prettily in his hands. Orochimaru's body sways like a tree in the wind and the two men began to blur out of view as Kakashi draws the snake-man away from us. Oh, I've never seen a real fight before. I wish they'd slow down; it all seems very interesting.

Deciding the best thing to do is follow Kakashi's advice, I drag Iruka-sensei beneath a bush and cover him with leaves; he's only unconscious, so I hope as long as he's out of the way, he will be safe. Naruto is still writhing on the ground when I come back, but when I approach, he hisses, "Motherfucker killed Iruka-sensei. Get away, Bast—" Naruto is still Naruto if he can still call me Bastard—"I have the Nine-tails in me and I can't control it," he finishes gasping.

He looks upset, so I hug him. Right now, it seems like the thing to do. The only thing I can do really. He tries to squirm out of my hold, but I just tighten my grip. His orange-red chakra burns hot and blisters and warps my skin. I suppose this will hurt tomorrow, but Naruto seems to calm down after a little bit so it is worth it. The chakra pouring out his skin feels less hot and doesn't burn much anymore when he finally relaxes and lets his shoulders slump; it maybe even tickles me a bit.

Deciding that Naruto has calmed enough to answer some questions I have, I tilt my head and ask, " Iruka-sensei isn't dead. Oh, Naruto, how does it fit, the Nine-tails, that is? Isn't the Nine-tails very big—technically, I don't think that would fit inside you naturally."

Red-orange chakra flickering like a halo, Naruto stares at me before slowly saying, "Sasuke, we are in the middle of a fight."

"Yes," I agree, "so let's get out of the middle of it. Follow me; we can hide until it's over. I think when I was trying to help Kakashi before I was just getting in the way."

"And leave the gray-haired guy to that snake freak?! No way! He'll di—" Naruto stutters before I cut him off.

"I wasn't lying before," I remind him, "Sakura is getting Mr. Hokage-sama and Gai-sensei and other people that are good at fighting, so let's wait for them get here. We aren't good at fighting yet, so if we fight, we'll die, and I'd rather not be dead today. Also, Kakashi would be even annoyed at us if we were dead."

"You are so weird," Naruto mutters.

"Yes," I agree again. In the distance, I feel chakra approaching—Mr. Hokage-sama, I think, and oh that's Gai-sensei! We are saved. But then I feel another distant chakra—it's Brother. Why is he here? What is going on?

For one instant, my heart throbs worse than my blistered skin. "Brother," I whisper as I head towards the chakra signature. Brother will be able to explain: about Madara, about why Orochimaru is here and wearing a red-cloud coat, about why, why our family is dead. He is good at explaining things.

My heart throbs one more time and then I stumble. My vision grows blurry and I hear Naruto calling my name.

Why do I always pass out when I need to talk with Brother?

I hope he's still here when I wake up.


	6. breakfast at training ground three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Danzo and Lunasuke become arch-nemeses. Kakashi is even more long-suffering. Next up: the bell test (or is it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto and Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me, no profit involved. This is hastily proofread so typos may abound.

 I awaken and Brother isn't here. I am in the small white hospital room again like I was when I woke up after everyone died. Alone. Funny how things seem in repeat in life—almost like  _déjà vu._ Why does this feel not quite right? If this going to be like the time before, Mr. Hokage-sama and Danzo needs to be here—oh, Danzo is storming in right now. I wonder what he'll say this time.

Danzo seems to be more in control now but his nostrils are flaring like a Hungarian Horntail about to breathe fire. He takes a slight breath, almost unnoticeable, and says, "There was an attack on the village last night by two nuke-nin associated with the terrorist organization the Akatsuki, the former Sannin Orochimaru and your brother—the traitor Uchiha Itachi. Uchiha Itachi who you have repeatedly stated is innocent. Let me know before I send you to T&I, do you have anything to tell me?"

"T&I? That's Torture and Interrogation unit, isn't it?" I ponder out loud, "I can tell you I don't particularly know anything about what is going on—other than Naruto is upset about having the Nine-tails inside of him; that seems very unfortunate—but I heard the alarm and knew Naruto was with Mizuki-sensei who has—had—a very bad aura—" Danzo chokes slightly as this—"so I decided to rescue him and ran into Kakashi and then Orochimaru. Naruto and Iruka-sensei were there so I took care of them while Kakashi fought Orochimaru. You can probably confirm all of this with him if you don't believe me. Oh, yes, and then Gai-sensei saved everyone."

Danzo's visible eye narrows and he says, "You took care of the Kyuubi jinchuuriki? Hatake's report said when he was engaging Orochimaru in combat, it was leaking orange chakra, and when he came back, the jinchuuriki was completely calm and you were unconscious. How did you do this? Your Sharingan, is it—" he cuts himself off "—did you do anything to help him calm down? Something your brother perhaps told you about? Be honest or I'll know when I summon Morino to interrogate you."

I pause taking a breath and then I pout, "I hugged Naruto to calm him down, and I didn't even get to see Brother, but since you threatened to send me to T&I for just wanting to save my friend, I can assume you don't particularly like me. Thank-you, since I don't particularly like you either, and this means we can both be honest with each other without bothering to be polite. You have shiftier eyes than Mizuki-sensei and the worst chakra-aura I have ever experienced; you should determine what it is you are doing to cause this and fix it. That way you will not be reincarnated as something uncomfortable like Blast-ended Skrewt in your next life."

Danzo scoffs slightly and he says quietly, "There is something very wrong with you; I can see why Hatake said Orochimaru seems interested in you. Just like the rest of your family."

I nod and stare at the ceiling instead of Danzo; his pinched face annoys me at the moment. I make my voice dreamy in the way I know Danzo dislikes and say, "Yet you seem to be very interested in me, too. When I said you had the worst chakra-aura I have ever experienced, I was partly mistaken; there is another person with chakra almost as bad as yours—Orochimaru. Both of you feel like you have something rotting but not dying inside. I can see why now I think you're similar to Orochimaru; you both feel like Dementors. "

He starts towards me just like he did when I told him he was a coward nearly five years ago. I look at his face and smile even more. I know I should not be saying this if I don't want him to want to violently murder me, but how would someone like Danzo ever be able to change for the better without hearing the Truth? Even if I dislike him, I will tell him the Truth so he will not continue with his Dementor-like ways and be reincarnated as something horrible in his next life.

The Truth is everything; then-Daddy from my before-life taught me that. This-Father from this-life was a police chief so he spent his life chasing the Truth and trying to catch all the liars and make them fix their lives. As then-Daddy's daughter reincarnated and the only non-nuke-nin son of this-Father's, I cannot fear anything but deception itself.

The feeling of killing intent gathers on the air and Danzo walks forward. His hand begins to blaze with darkish chakra. Then, a green blur comes and Gai-sensei! Gai-sensei appears and stands in Danzo's way. Kakashi is present as well, I suppose, forming another person from the human wall in front of me. He blinks lazily at Danzo.

"Danzo-sama!" proclaims Gai-sensei as he embraces Danzo, "How very generous of you to celebrate Sasuke-kun's brave act of youth! Being willing to sacrifice his own life for that of a comrade! Using the power of friendship to conquer insurmountable forces! I am most jealous of my eternal rival's future student!"

"Wait, Gai-sensei," I interrupt, "does being Kakashi's student mean I cannot be yours? I want to be yours, though; you are so much—what do you call it?—hipper than he is." Even facing an angry Danzo, one must remember their priorities.

Danzo and Kakashi temporarily pause in their staring match to make matching strangled noises. The sparkles flying from Gai-sensei's smile at me are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Danzo does not seem to appreciate them; he even looks vaguely disgruntled. Even more so than Kakashi.

Danzo starts to open his mouth, but then Mr. Hokage-sama and his masked guards enter the room. He glances at us all and looks very pained. He closes his eyes and motions for the guards to leave.

"When I asked Gai and Kakashi to check on Sasuke," he snaps, "I didn't think that they'd have to keep you from murdering a prepubescent in his hospital bed, and Danzo, we've talked about this—you can't go around killing everyone who says something you don't like."

Danzo pauses—is he counting to ten in his head?—before saying, "This  _prepubescent,_ as you call him, is a security risk. He holds emotional ties to his brother, the family-slaughtering nuke-nin, who coincidentally appeared with  _Orochimaru_  in an attempt to steal our jinchuuriki. Aforementioned jinchuuriki lost control of the Nine-tails and then this  _prepubescent_  was somehow, supposedly, able to do what the Fourth Hokage could not and tame the Nine-tails though the power of friendship. Does this not sound rather strange to you?"—he pauses again—"and he just called me a Dementor. I've read the file the Academy teachers made of those make-believe animals he talks about in class; that's the one that sucks out souls!"

Mr. Hokage-sama pinches the bridge of his nose, "Kakashi's, Naruto's, Iruka's, Sakura's, and many other's reports on the incident corroborate that Sasuke was at scene because he was suspicious of Mizuki-sensei and was concerned about Naruto's safety. Naruto himself said all Sasuke did was hug him to calm him down. We had a Yamanaka verify this by going through Sasuke's memories while he was unconscious—" Mr. Hokage-sama looks very tired—"Thanks to Uchiha Sasuke, we were alerted to Orochimaru and Uchiha Itachi's presence before they could inflict any permanent damage. Now come, Danzo; it's childish to be upset over being compared to a make-believe creature by a distraught child and we have more pressing matters to discuss—like our village's security. Your prejudice is blinding you. Sasuke is only a boy."

Danzo scowls and storms out of the room. Before following him, Mr. Hokage-sama turns around and says wearily, "Gai, you should get back to your students. Kakashi, get Sasuke's report and debrief him on what has happened. And, no, he's your student and your responsibility now, so you can't weasel out of it."

Gai-sensei beams once more and waves before bounding out of the room. "Goodbye," I whisper sadly.

Kakashi clears his throat and then asks what happened. I repeat what I told Danzo, though with more detail like they taught us in class, and Kakashi stands quietly until I get to the part where I hugged Naruto to get him to stop leaking the Nine-tails chakra.

"So not only did you think it was a good idea to tell Orochimaru to 'shoo'—" Kakashi pauses "—you also thought it was a good idea to calm down a raging chrakra monster through the power of friendship and hugs?"

"Yes," I nod, "that sounds about right. Gai-sensei inspired me by the speech he gave about camaraderie the other day. I wish it had inspired Sakura, though; she still thwacks Naruto all the time. Can you tell me about what happened while I was unconscious?"

Kakashi stares at me for a second before muttering, "Why do I always get stuck with the strange ones," before he begins to explain more formally, "The Academy teacher Mizuki was a enemy agent of Akatsuki member Orochimaru; he was tasked with delivering genin Uzamaki Naruto to Orochimaru. Due to your warning, I was able to discover this and terminate Mizuki when he tried to kill his other hostage Umino Iruka, ultimately preventing Orochimaru from leaving the village with Naruto. I was engaging the Orochimaru in combat when his Akatsuki partner Uchiha Itachi—" he shoots me a strange glance "—entered the fight as well. Upon feeling the approaching chakra of Hokage-sama and an ANBU squad, Uchiha Itachi urged Orochimaru to retreat due to our greater numbers."

"Oh," I say, "it's horrible that Mizuki-sensei had to die—he was our teacher after all— but it's also horrible that he tried to kill Iruka-sensei."

Kakashi looks at me flatly and says, "Mizuki was an enemy to the village; as shinobi of Konoha, it is our duty to fight, even kill, enemy combatants despite finding it unpleasant. These enemy combatants can be anyone: former comrades, nuke-nin…family members, meaning your brother. Do you understand me?"

I nod. Understanding implies comprehension—not obedience. Kakashi's body un-tenses and his formal tone disappears. "Well, now that that's settled," he says, "why don't we talk about your genin test. You were out cold when they assigned teams, but you're officially assigned to Team 7 with Uzamaki Naruto and Haruno Sakura as your teammates and me as your jounin-sensei. I expect you'll follow my orders better in the future than you have in the past. I won't be so forgiving of insubordination a second time around."

"Of course, Kakashi-sensei," I say, "I suppose if you are my teacher, I will have to listen to you."

Kakashi-sensei's visible eyebrow twitches. He continues, "You'll meet me and your teammates at seven in three day's time at the Third Training Ground for the test to see if you become a genin. The pass-rate is 33%, and, oh, you probably shouldn't eat breakfast before coming. You'll only throw it up."

He shuffles out of the room but stops when I ask him, "Wait, Kakashi-sensei, if I fail this test, does this mean I can try again and get Gai-sensei as my jounin-sensei next year?"

"You don't get to pick the jounin-sensei you are  _assigned_  to," Kakashi-sensei says stiffly, "that's not how it works."

"Oh," I respond hesitantly, "did I hurt your feelings just now? I didn't mean to; I'm sure you'll be a wonderful jounin-sensei. Your chakra-aura is silver and hiding behind a darker grey, but I agree with Gai-sensei: you are truly worthy of being his eternal rival and have great potential."

Kakashi huffs, "Thank-you for your complement on my chakra-aura. I'm going now. You should probably rest; hugging the burning chakra monster and calming it down through the power of friendship burned your arms pretty badly."

I look down at my arms. They are burned rather badly. Oh—I hadn't noticed; perhaps I should try something other than hugging the burning chakra monster next time. Perhaps an air hug and having Naruto verbalize his feelings would work?

I look up and Kakashi-sensei is gone. He didn't even say goodbye.

…

I am released from the hospital and the three days pass quite quickly with Naruto not leaving my side, unbelieving that I don't particularly care that he's a jinchuuriki, and Sakura fussing over me as usual. Sakura leaves to go home to her parents during the night but Naruto just stays at my bedside. I should probably get him an extra futon...

When the morning of our genin exam approaches, I pack a picnic of bento boxes and Ichiraku ramen for breakfast. If Naruto and Sakura follow Kakashi-sensei's advice, they won't eat breakfast—which would be bad. To concentrate fully, we will need to be fed and not distracted by hunger. Besides, Kakashi-sensei never specifically  _ordered_  we not eat breakfast; he just suggested it. Therefore, we are free to follow our own judgement. He shouldn't mind all that much, should he?

"This is a good idea, Sasuke-kun," Sakura chirps, "this way we don't have to listen to Naruto's stomach growling while the two of us try to pass the test."

"Eh, Sakura-chan," Naruto says, mouth-full, "we could totally pass even if my stomach was growling. We're gonna be the best team, believe it!" He belches and then Sakura slaps the back of his head, giggling.

"Tell Sasuke-kun 'thank-you' for buying you ramen," she orders. Naruto grins at me brightly. "Thank-you, Bastard," he parrots.

I yawn and stretch out on the ground. It's a good thing I brought food; it's ten o'clock and Kakashi-sensei isn't here yet.

We hear a cough. Kakashi-sensei is slouching in a tree, glaring at us lazily. "You're eating breakfast," he drawls.

Sakura is caught putting a riceball in her mouth, and Naruto gathers his ramen to his chest protectively.

Sakura coughs up her riceball, spits it out, and blurts, "Ka—Kakashi-sensei, we were just…we were just…well, you can confiscate our breakfast if you want; it's contraband after all. "

Naruto clutches as his ramen tighter and splutters, "No, my ramen, mine! Also, you can't say anything; you're late, Bakakashi-sensei!" Sakura gasps, offended as always at Naruto's blatant disrespect of authority, and begins to thwack Naruto before looking up at Kakashi-sensei and lowering her hand guiltily.

Kakashi-sensei's face does not move a muscle.

"Would you like to join our picnic, Kakashi-sensei?" I ask him as an offering of peace.

Kakashi-sensei drops down from the tree. Sakura squeaks and hides behind Naruto while I stay lying down. I wonder what the test will be; I hope it is more interesting than waiting has been. Kakashi-sensei glances from Naruto and Sakura to me.

"Hmm…how do I put this?" he says flatly, "My first impression is…I hate you."

"Well," I say to the sky, surprised, "that isn't particularly polite, but don't worry, Kakashi-sensei: we still like you."

Naruto and Sakura dubiously nod their heads in agreement.

Kakashi-sensei sighs.

 


	7. what the hell is a hufflepuff?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto and Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me, no profit involved. No warnings other than slight gender dysphoria and gratuitous misuse of sexy no jutsu. This chapter is a light descent into crack-ish fluff, inspired by ff.net's Lurking Pheonix's amazing comment on what would happen if Lunasuke transformed into characters from Kakashi's Icha Icha. Hopefully the next chapter will be up be next Sunday and start on their first C-rank mission; things are going get a bit more serious (or as serious as Luna can get) from her on out.

Kakashi-sensei looks at us like he is deciding the best way to knock us unconscious and flee the scene without ever being found again. I suppose he does not want to be our teacher; that is unfortunate. I think once you get under his sleepy, apathetic exterior—his hair looks as if he just rolled out of bed, fell on the floor, and decided to take a three-hour nap; perhaps that is why he was late. Then-Daddy said the hair, as well as the eyes, were windows to the soul— he is a very sensitive and caring individual, just not as much as Gai-sensei though.

Sakura fidgets and fingers her hair before breaking the silence, "So if you aren't going to assassinate us for having breakfast when you said not to, why were you so late, Kakashi-sensei?"

Kakashi-sensei slouches as scratches the back of his head, "Maaa, I was lost of the road of life."

Naruto quirks his head and leans into whisper to me, "I think Bakakashi-sensei has gone crazy; there is no Road of Life in Konoha; I know 'caus I memorized a map for my getaway routes after pulln' pranks."

"I don't think it's actual, literal road," I respond, "It's obviously a riddle. Oh, is this our test?"

Kakashi-sensei blinks and Sakura offers, "Sasuke-kun, I think he may have meant it as a metaphor—"

"Well, I suppose the road of life signifies life itself," I interrupt her, thinking aloud, "and life only ends with death; therefore since you, Kakashi-sensei, are alive and thereby constantly on the road of life, you are constantly lost in life and lacking direction, making you late for things. Ohh, does that mean you think your life has no meaning and you want us to give you a purpose as your students, Kakashi-sensei?"

"What?' he says flatly, "You haven't even heard what the tes—"

"We accept your offer of being students, believe it!" Naruto crows, "We'll have you whipped into shape in no time and you won't being getting lost on any roads. You can count on us."

"I'm good at planning," Sakura adds eagerly, "I can teach you time management and maybe you won't be four-hours late the next time we meet, Kakashi-sensei—not that there's anything wrong with that if that's what you like doing. I mean, as our jounin-sensei, you know best."

Kakashi-sensei blinks again and says, "What clever little students I have, but that wasn't the test—'

"You mean you let us think we passed, but we haven't yet," Naruto gasps, "You bastard!"

"Yes," I respond automatically to Naruto's epithet. As far as I know, I am the only one that Naruto calls the Bastard. He hasn't stopped calling me it since I first almost made Sakura cry, even though I haven't come close since I think. Sakura says it's Naruto's way of showing affection for me since he has the emotional intelligence of a hyperactive goldfish.

"No, I didn't mean you, meaning _my_ Bastard," Naruto clarifies, "I meant Bakakashi-sensei the Bastard. There's a difference."

"You should be more specific when you call someone a Bastard," Sakura orders, "Also, it isn't polite to call our jounin-sensei a bastard even if he was late and misled us about passing the test."

Kakashi-sensei stares at us for a second more before continuing, "I have two bells. You will try to get the bells from me. Whoever gets the bells passes and whoever does not get a bell goes back to the Academy."

Two get the bells, consequently passing; one does not get the bell, consequently failing. How does this make for a three-man genin squad? This test is as silly as my ancestor Madara helping found the village than everyone forgetting about him. Though now I have formed my theory about him joining a Jashinist cult, I think there is more to that story...

I blink and turn my head to the sky—there is some hidden meaning behind this; I have faith that Mr. Hokage-sama wouldn't let the genin test be something so silly—but I guess I'll just distract Kakashi-sensei until we figure out what it is. I make the hand-signal to Sakura and Naruto that is code for "fall back until I say it's safe to come out." They obey.

Since they are my close friends and I do not want them to be dead like my family, I have made them learn a form of sign language I adapted from one Mediterranean merfolk use while hunting, making for easier communication. Also, we have evacuation plans in the case of an enemy invasion, Nargle infestation, or other catastrophes. In the Academy, Iruka-sensei always said I was incredibly prepared even for events that had no likelihood of happening.

"Is your mask a metaphor for your views about the world?" I ask casually, "You should be careful, though. I believe the first Mizukage wore a mask as well, but then my ancestor Hiei of the Horrible Eyes pulled it up to cover his eyes while they were fighting and stabbed him in the intestines, which, of course, was very cruel. Of course, in Mist, they say the first Mizukage died of old age, but I know the truth—" I pause, thinking of a topic to further distract Kakashi-sensei with—oh I know "—if you want to wear something that is metaphorical, it should be something that does not get in your way while you fight, you know. See my necklace—it's corks and radishes—but it wards away bad chakra-auras. Except for Danzo. It does not seem to work on him. Anyways, it's a metaphor for how I feel light and—"

Kakashi-sensei fingers his kunai and asks, "Where are you going with this, Sasuke? Also, Naruto and Sakura, if you want to sneak up on me while Sasuke distracts me, please be more discreet."

"Oh well," Sakura says sadly, "I guess that means it is Plan 46-B, then. Sasuke-kun and Naruto, if you please."

46-B was the plan we discussed while I was resting at home. Sakura had checked out Kakashi-sensei's file from the mission office and asked me to tell her what I learned about Kakashi-sensei from the few times I had talked to him. I told her that he likes to read _Icha Icha_ and the next volume would be coming out today—the day our genin test is. Strange how these things turn out, but I think Sakura's karma helped because she hasn't thwacked Naruto for at least three days. Mainly because he's still a little injured from the fight with Orochimaru, but I think it's the thought that counts. Anyways, Plan 46-B is a good plan.

Naruto grins, "Oh, hell yes! Sakura-chan, this is the first time you let us do this jutsu without thwacking us."

Sakura sniffs primly and shrugs her shoulders, saying, "Desperate times call for desperate measures; now transform!"

Naruto and I poof in unison and I feel a rush so liberating that I feel like I am flying. _Oh to be naked and free and feel the wind dancing like fairy's touch across my breasts_ , I think, _I miss them so, but peeing standing up feels nice, too, I suppose._ I nod at Naruto and we stalk forward slowly. Kakashi-sensei freezes and I stand on tiptoe so I can shove my breasts in his face.

Kakashi-sensei's mouth opens and closes under his mask and he looks alarmed. "Are you—are you Kagome-hime and Kei-chan from _Icha Icha Yuri-Harem_?" His pupils are dilating and he is sweating heavily.

I nod happily and press my breasts harder into his face. Naruto clings to his side. Kakashi-sensei twitches. I think our jutsu is a bit more vivid than usual, but it's not really our fault. We got the idea from _Icha Icha Yuri Harem_ —the book that came out today—and the descriptions are very detailed.

Sakura, heavily flushing but still determined, poofs as well and begins sidling towards Kakashi-sensei, offering, "And I am Akane-chan; you can change into Megami-sensei and we can complete the quartet."

Naruto titters, voice changed high and bell-like by the jutsu, "So how about it, Bakakashi-sensei? You pass us and we teach you Oiroke no Jutsu harem-style—the most perverted jutsu in Konoha! I know 'caus it gave Old Man Hokage the biggest nosebleed I've ever seen."

Kakashi-sensei looks at his newly-bought copy of _Icha Icha Yuri-Harem_ and then he looks at us. He appears to be faintly disturbed; did we get the jutsu wrong? He begins to poof, too. We're going to pass—oh, he's poofed into a log. The Substitution Jutsu, I suppose. I skip after where is chakra-aura is quickly disappearing to at a fast pace; I've always been very good at tracing chakra-auras.

"I think he wants to follow him," I call over my shoulder to Naruto and Sakura, "I think he went that way." I point due north, and Naruto and Sakura leap after me.

We find him talking to other jounin—a bearded man and a pretty woman with swirly red eyes—saying, "Maaa, how much do I have to pay you to swap teams? No, no, it's not like the other teams I failed before. Those demon-brats turned into—they turned into characters from _my porn_ ; now, I can't finish reading it without thinking of baby genin and—" Kakashi breaks off shuddering and drops his book on the ground.

The bearded man laughs an unconcerned laugh, scratching his head casually, but the swirly-eyed woman looks faintly concerned, putting her hand on Kakashi-sensei's forehead.

"Bakakashi-sensei!" Naruto announces, "We found you. Now hand over the bells."

Kakashi-sensei's slouch gets even more pronounced. He turns his head towards us; we are still in our jutsu forms. He pulls down his forehead protector so it is covering both his eyes.

"How?" is his only response, "How did you find me?"

"Even though I wasn't a Hufflepuff in my then-life, Kakashi-sensei," I respond, "I am still a particularly good finder."

" What the hell is a Huff-wha—never mind," Kakashi-sensei breaks off, "two of you can have the bells. Pick amongst yourselves. One of you—one of you doesn't get a bell and fails, though."

Naruto and Sakura freeze, mouths open, but I decide to speak first, "A Hufflepuff, Kakashi-sensei, is a great finder. I suppose since, though not a Hufflepuff, I am still a great finder at heart; perhaps I can find another place or thing to do. Us Ravenclaws are very clever and treasure knowledge above all things, even if the knowledge comes from failure. Naruto and Sakura can have the bells; they're true Gryffindors so they will not take failure well."

Naruto shakes his head vigorously, shouting , "No, no; Sakura-chan and Sasuke-bastard can have the bells and pass without me. They're my friends, and I'm not going to let Sasuke do something stupid like fail himself after he's been studyn' and nerdy all of Academy. _I'll fail!_ "

"But," I start to say. Naruto growls and begins to move to grab my shirt, forgetting we are still in the jutsu form as usual, making us gloriously naked. As what usually follows, he ends up grabbing a breast instead and splutters hard, turning pretty colors like a rainbow is being painted on his skin.

Sakura shrieks at us both, "Idiots, the both of you! None of us will take a bell so we'll all fail together; we're a team!"

At this, Kakashi-sensei straightens up and he says lightly, "So you have chased me all around Konoha, ruined my new book, and made complete fools of yourselves only for all three of you to fail and get sent back to the Academy?" His tone seems to get lighter and lighter as the edge of his words get sharper and sharper. Perhaps I shouldn't keep underestimating Kakashi-sensei in comparison to Gai-sensei; when he is angry, he seems dangerous.

"Yes," Naruto shouts, "I'm not scared or making a fool of myself ever 'long as Bastard and Sakura-chan are with me."

"Why would you do all of this only to fail?" Kakashi-sensei asks sharply. The shadows seem to be growing around his voice.

"Because…teamwork," Sakura justifies in a trembling voice, "we're a team."

Kakashi-sensei straightens, "Well, then you all pass."

Finally, the swirling thoughts I've had all throughout this test come together; it isn't silly, and the riddle finally makes sense. Kakashi-sensei truly is brilliant.

"Oh," I ponder aloud, "I think I might finally understand, the answer to the riddle—Kakashi-sensei being lost on the road of life—is teamwork, isn't it? He doesn't want us to be his students like the rules say we have to; if he did, he would have passed one of the teams he failed in the past. He wants us to be his team and his _equals_ like they are in gaggle of Blibbering Humdingers—no alphas, no omegas, just equality and hive-mind. All of this was to make us figure that out on our own by, by… " I break off, no longer being able to follow Kakashi-sensei's logic.

"Oh," Naruto echoes in an awed tone. Sakura looks at Kakashi-sensei with wide, shimmering eyes.

Kakashi-sensei stares—is this a nervous habit?—and says, "Well, actually … never mind, that's very good, Sasuke. Remember, those that break the rules are scums, but those who abandon their comrades are worse than scum. Teamwork is very important."

"Kakashi-sensei," I murmur, "You are so wise."

Behind us, the bearded jounin mutters, "Why can't the Ino-Shika-Cho's kids give me that kind of respect; oh yes, I remember: my old man thought it is a good idea to assign me to kids I used to babysit, so they know when I'm bull-shitting them." The swirly-eyed jounin swats at him. Why aren't they more in awe of Kakashi-sensei's brilliance?

I move my eyes to the sky and walk away, beginning to think about what future lessons Kakashi-sensei can teach us. Perhaps I should make Special Event Hats— thinking about this possibility, I begin to tuck my kunai behind my ear like I did with my wand in my past life. My wand never nicked me, though…

Kakashi-sensei dashes forward, catching my wrist, and looks at me strangely, "What are you doing? Don't—Rule Number One: Don't put your kunai behind your ear, ever. Also, while I have you three gathered here, we'll go over Rule Number Two: No more of that jutsu in front of me. It puts my off my _Icha Icha_ , and you three won't like me when I'm like that."

Sakura jerks her head in agreement and Naruto begins to complain he thought the whole purpose of the test was to prove rules were stupid. I keep thinking about Special Event Hats. The lion one I made for that game on broomsticks was in a sense a lifetime ago; I can hardly remember…Yes, I will definitely make a Special Event Hat to show my appreciation for Kakashi-sensei.

"Kakashi-sensei," I ask, "would you think of a hat with all four of us on top of it—no Gai-sensei said you have dog summons. Would you like me to add them as well?"

Kakashi-sensei nods blandly, looking bored.

"That's lovely then," I nod, clapping my hands together, "I suppose I'll have it ready for you to wear by tomorrow. Oh, and I think I can make some for you dog summons as well, too. How many do you have? "

Nodding to myself, I wander off.

As I leave, I hear Kakashi-sensei ask Sakura, "Does he mean that he's going to make a hat…for me to wear? And my ninken?"

"Oh yes," Sakura confirms quietly, "Sasuke-kun makes us Special Event Hats to celebrate most special occasions….I usually don't wear mine. Just put it on for a minute or two to humor him, or Sasuke-kun will just look at you until you do, Kakashi-sensei."

Perhaps I shall add Gai-sensei and Kakashi-sensei holding hands with the three of sitting at their feet. Oh, yes, and the dog summons. This hat is going to be wonderful.

I wonder if Kakashi-sensei likes sparkles and rainbows.


	8. wizarding shogi is apparently a thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Special Event Hats mysteriously disappear, and Team 7 goes on their first C-rank.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto and Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me, no profit involved. Warnings for slight violence. Sorry about the delay in updates; school's been crazy. The next chapter should be up in two weeks after finals are done.

I sit in the shade of the tree surrounded by Kakashi's ninken, their lime-green, scarecrow-patterned (to honor the meaning of Kakashi-sensei name of course) straw hats skewing sideways as they rest their heads on the ground. Also, Nara Shikamaru and an abandoned shogi board are here, but Shikamaru is asleep and there is only one of him so that hardly counts as being surrounded. Shikamaru's hair looks pretty with all the flowers I braided into it, daisies and tulips this time. Shikamaru said the peonies from before made him sneeze.

Perhaps I should add more sparkles to Bull's vest now that I'm done with Shikamaru's hair. Kakashi-sensei has already outfitted his ninken with some form of clothes, be it vests, bandanas, glasses, or collars, but the clothes are blue and so very boring. I think—I cannot be sure for certain since Bull does not talk—he would appreciate more sparkles to match the ones on his hat. I add more sparkles; Bull begins to howl. It is the most mournful sound I have ever heard; perhaps I should add more sparkles?

"Kid," Pakun cuts off, "enough with the sparkles; more with the belly rubs." I begin rubbing Bull's belly; he stops howling. Pakun huffs approvingly and nudges my other hand. I begin rubbing his belly as well. I suppose this means I cannot add any more sparkles to their uniforms.

That is a shame; I think Kakashi-sensei's lips twitched upwards into a smile when I gave him his Special Event Hat. Inspired by one of Gai-sensei's best genjutsus, it had Gai-sensei and Kakashi-sensei hugging in the middle of the beach with waves crashing around them. Also, if you pressed a button under the brim, Sakura, Naruto, and I would pop up spouting rainbow fireworks. Naruto sniggering placed it on Kakashi-sensei's head for our team picture and Kakashi-sensei said he had never seen anything like it…then the next day, he said he lost it when a giant hawk snatched it up to take to its hatchlings for a makeshift nest. I will have to make Kakashi-sensei another one to replace it I suppose. Oh, I can make him and Gai-sensei _matching_ hats.

Pakun rolls over and I begin to scratch his belly harder. I hear footsteps. Naruto comes up behind me and slings his arm over my shoulder, pulling me away from Shikamaru and towards his chest. "Sas'kaaaaaay, where were you? Did you ditch me and Sakura for Nara?" he demands.

I blink at him. "I was here, and I don't think I meant to ditch you for anything, did I? Kakashi-sensei isn't going to show up at the bridge for another two hours at the very least, and he gets annoyed when we find him before he wants us to."

Naruto sighs and begins to say earnestly, "That isn't the point, Sasuke-bastard, we're supposed to wait together 'caus we're a _team_. When we told Bakakashi-sensei that waiting three hours in the rain made up miserable, he told us misery built character and we should be glad we didn't have his sensei. 'parently, Kakashi-sensei had to wait _five_ hours in ten-foot snow for his sensei to show up, but it wasn't bad because waiting was a bonding 'perience with his team.*"

"But," I start to say before Naruto shushes me.

Shikamaru rolls over and opens his eyes to look lazily. "You know I'm pretty sure all of that is bullshit. Senseis lie and send their genin on wild goose chases; it's a right-of-passage," he yawns, "Asuma tried to convince Choji and Ino and me he was part of the Twelve Guardian Shinobi**; as if I'd believe that."

I open my mouth to defend Kakashi-sensei's brilliance, but I hear a distinct pop. Oh, that would be Kakashi-sensei. He's good at sneaking up on people. Sakura is trailing nervously behind him. That is not a good sign, I guess. Maybe it isn't a good idea to assume Kakashi-sensei will always be late?

"Maa, I show up early, only an hour and a half late, and only one of my students is waiting for me," Kakashi-sensei drawls, "We'll have to run fifty laps around the village to make sure that doesn't happen again—" Naruto groans and stomps his foot; Sakura looks murderous "—but first we need to stop by the mission office for our next mission assignment."

"Well, I guess this is goodbye, Shikamaru," I say regretfully, "Oh and remember to leave the flowers in your hair and it will keep away the Nargles. Maybe next time, we will be able to finish a game of Wizard's Chess, I mean Wizarding Shogi, without you falling asleep. Should we explode the pieces instead of crushing them when you're getting drowsy; would that keep you awake? "

Shikamaru's fingers flicker to his scalp and he picks out a daisy. "For the last time already, this isn't Wizard's Chess; it's shogi. You don't crush the shogi pieces when you lose a turn, Uchiha" he says, "what a drag…do you always ask such foolish things?"

I think about his question for second. "I would rather be a known fool who knows the answer to the question I asked than a fool unknown and unknowing. Besides, crushing the pieces makes things more interesting—almost like real-life combat, except no one dies in shogi … which is good, I suppose."

Shikamaru's eyes narrow and he begins to open his mouth when Naruto grabs me and shouts, "Bastard's _my_ Bastard and _my_ rival, not yours. He doesn't get to compete with anyone else, believe it! And don't play shogi with Nara, Sasuke, if you play with me, I'll explode the whole board for you and Sakura-chan!" At this, he begins to lunge for the board.

Kakashi-sensei grabs him by the collar and orders, "No exploding things without asking permission first. Now, why don't we head to the mission office?" Naruto sulks, Sakura gives him the squinty-eyed look that promises a scolding later, and Shikamaru returns to his nap. In the end, all of Team 7 is hauled to the mission office.

Mr. Hokage-sama seems a bit wrinkled around the eyes as he explains our mission to us. The mission itself seems quite simple—deliver a sealed scroll to Suna, no mayhem expected—though it is our first C-rank. Shikamaru's and Ino's, as well as Hinata's and that boy's with the bugs inside him whose name everyone forgets, teams have completed at least two C-ranks, but for some reason our team hasn't even done one yet.

We head out the next day in the early morning. Kakashi-sensei's shoulders are tense, and Sakura and I skitter around his feet nervously. Naruto is complaining about his stomach growling; Naruto has always been more observant towards his stomach and filling it with ramen than other people. I guess maybe ramen is an addiction like cocaine, distracting him from everything else in life.

"Kakashi-sensei," Sakura queries, "why are you and Hokage-sama so nervous about this mission? Aren't we at peace with Suna?" At this, Kakashi-sensei's body gets even tenser.

I answer Sakura for him, "Yes, but all the adults are talking about missions and revenues and the increased amount of missions we are getting from the Wind Daimyo. After the Third Shinobi War twelve or so years ago that Konoha won and Suna lost—the war was started by the Jashinists to create carnage for their destruction-god, you know—Suna's power started declining and their Daimyo started giving more missions to Konoha instead of Suna. Now all the adults say that things with Suna are tense because of national pride or their overcompensation for the size of their small—" Kakashi-sensei begins to cough uncomfortably "— kunais or something silly like that. Isn't that right, Kakashi-sensei?"

Kakashi-sensei tilts his head slightly and shrugs, yawning, "Now, now, Sasuke, you're getting ahead of yourself like usual; also don't repeat the jokes you heard Genma about Suna and small kunai in front of Suna nin, okay? And Sakura, Suna may be our ally, but what Sasuke said is true. As shinobi, it never hurts to be on our guard."

So we stay on our guard and wander our way to Suna with Sakura holding the sealed scroll and Naruto stomping in the very front of us. Iruka-sensei said Suna was in the middle of the desert; I am excited to see it. I have always imagined the world to be a desert on the back of a giant turtle like Gai-sensei's summons. Perhaps if we are in actual desert we will be able to be closer to the middle of the world. As we finally reach the border where the desert begins, I decide that I like the desert. It is very peaceful.

Of course, it is then that two masked men jump out of a puddle and attack Kakashi-sensei, twisting their shruiken-chains around him. Kakashi-sensei poofs away and disappears as if he is dead. Since I am good at sensing things, I know the masked men were coming before they popped out of the ground and I know Kakashi-sensei is just pretending at being dead, but I do still think it is rather cruel of him to try to play tricks like that. Especially since with him hiding, the two masked men are now looking at Sakura, Naruto, and me.

We are newly-minted shinobi, and battlefields are not a good place for hands-on learning experience while our sensei is hiding. Even in the castle-school from my before-life knew better than that and they hired a man with two faces, a pink-clad Wendigo in disguise of a Ministry infiltrator, and the snake-man's spy as teachers. Well, I guess all knowledge is worth having, even if learned violent exchange on a battlefield.

"Well shit," mutters Naruto as he watches the masked men watch us. Sakura looks like she wants to scold him—in this situation, though, I suppose his crude language is warranted— but she motions for us to fall in a triangle formation in front of her to protect the sealed scroll. I push my body into a crouch and wait for the men to approach. I really do dislike fighting. I wish other people could be the same way.

The masked men regroup and begin to run towards us, chains whirling towards me—not Naruto or Sakura, though. That is strange. They should be targeting Sakura since she is carrying the scroll, or at least that is what our lessons tell us. To see how they react, I dart away from Naruto and Sakura, leaving them behind. The masked men try to follow me…well, I suppose, it's a good thing that they only want to attack me and not my friends, though I would rather not be attacked. I feel like this is becoming a common theme.

I keep running away and the masked men keep following. Finally, I come to a halt at the top at a sand dune, quietly making a shadow clone. "Would you stop trying to attack me?" my shadow clone asks the men as I hide, "I think my friends would be rather upset if I died."

One of the masked men scoffs, "The baby genin wants us to stop attacking him, says his friends will be upset if he dies." The other one laughs harshly and their chains whirl once again towards me—well actually, the chains whirl towards my shadow clone. Masked Man Number One catches my shadow clone as I sneak up behind Masked Man Number Two and grab his most sensitive part and twist hard. The redheaded girl with all the brothers from my before-life told me if you wanted to get a man to do something you needed to have him by his balls, though I think she meant only figuratively…I guess both her interpretations are correct. Masked Man Number Two is making awful strange noises.

Masked Man Number Two doubles down and I slip a kunai to his throat. I pause for a second…I don't like this, hurting people. It makes me feel sick on the insides. "Ummmm," I tell the other masked man—Masked Man Number One, I think I called him— who is stalled glaring at me, "put down your weapon, if you like, and surrender, or…or I will…I will do something horrid to your comrade." _He'll surrender_ , I tell myself, _I won't have to hurt Masked Man Number 2._

Masked Man Number 1 snarls, "We're Mist-nin, the only way we surrender is death. I'll kill you and then your little friends. I think I'll start with the pink-haired one. I wonder how she'll scream."

My stomach drops; I remember the old man—Ollivander, Ollivander was his name—screaming and the red light in the darkness. It hurt to hear. No, no…My hands go loose and I drop the kunai. Masked Man Number Two tries to escape from my hold but I kick upwards towards his most sensitive part. He falls to the ground screaming. That must have hurt. If he wasn't trying to kill me, I would offer to get him ice. Sakura once accidentally kneed me in my most sensitive part while we were sparring and it was agony.

The Masked Man Number One starts to lunge toward me, but Kakashi-sensei grabs him by the collar. There is a brief scuffle and Masked Man Number One ends ups tied up on the ground. Kakashi-sensei takes Masked Man Number Two from his writhing position and ties him up as well. I stare at Kakashi-sensei warily. I think this is too much violence for me to comprehend right now—mainly because I am the one Masked Man Number Two is crying—and decide to not think of it any longer.

My eyes flicker to the foreground. Naruto and Sakura are panting at the top of the sand dune, finally having caught up. "Sasuke-kun!" Sakura cries. They begin to start towards me, but Kakashi-sensei shakes his head. "Sasuke is fine; my ninken sense no further enemies in a three-mile radius, but I'd like you to stand watch while I interrogate the prisoners," he orders them.

"But," Naruto begins, but Sakura shakes her head and draws him away.

Kakashi-sensei does not interrogate the prisoners; instead, he looks at me. "Sasuke," he says waving his hands in front of my eyes, "Sasuke, pay attention. Zoning out during the battlefield is bad." I nod my head.

"You did well, and you showed your opponent no mercy" he tells me, eyeing Masked Man Number Two who is still crying on the ground," but you shouldn't have left your comrades. Going off on your own isn't safe."

"The men were targeting me," I hear myself telling him, "I don't mind being hurt, but I didn't want Naruto and Sakura to get hurt. I didn't want to hurt those men either. It isn't kind."

Kakashi-sensei shakes his head slowly, "We're shinobi—weapons—we can't not hurt other people or expect that our people won't get hurt. If you keep on thinking that, you're going to get broken. Don't go off by yourself again even if it is to sacrifice yourself. Got that?"

I nod again. Kakashi-sensei sighs and ruffles my hair. "I'm going to interrogate the prisoners now," he says, "Go keep watch with Sakura and Naruto."

I wait a few seconds before walking away. Then, I decide I want to hug Kakashi-sensei. He appears vaguely ruffled, which in Kakashi-sensei speak translates into "I just woke up and do not care to be here at the moment" or "I am mildly concerned with what is happening," so it seems like the thing to do. He stands stiffly for a minute  as if no one has hugged him before. Then, he hugs me back.

"I don't think I like hurting people—killing them—even if I am shinobi," I tell Kakashi-sensei before leaving to stand watch. He closes his eyes.

As I head towards Naruto and Sakura, I hear Kakashi-sensei mutter, "Neither did your brother, neither did I, neither does anyone. It gets easier."

I promise myself it won't for me. If Gai-sensei can be a shinobi and maintain his genius, so can I, so can I. And I'll help Kakashi-sensei find his genius under all of his layers of grey chakra-aura. Maybe I can make him a Special Event Hat that shocks him whenever he acts apathetic or is late to something...

* * *

 

* Namikaze Minato, Hatake Kakashi's teacher, was in fact never late to anything ever in his life. Despite this being confirmed by numerous sources, Naruto and Sasuke refuse to believe their esteemed Kakashi-sensei would ever lie to them.

**Sarutobi Asuma was in fact a member of the Twelve Guardian Shinobi. Despite this being confirmed by multiple sources, Choji, Ino, and Shikamaru refuse to believe their sensei as ever having been anything close to cool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure whether Suna and Konoha were on opposite sides during the Third Shinobi War but I re-serviced it for my purposes. And those masked men were supposed to be the Demon Brothers from the Land of Waves arc. Zabuza and Haku should be appearing soon.


	9. enter: sand and ice!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lunasuke, meet Gaara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto and Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me, no profit involved. Warnings for slight violence and crude humor. Shout-out to Fanfiction's kyrzephyrs of their idea of a tickling genjutsu! Next update should be late next week.
> 
> I'm so sorry for the delay; I've been updating this on Fanfiction at least once a month but I completely forgot about my AO3 account 0__0 My next two chapters will be posted on Thursday/Friday or you can check out my FF account which is under the same name. Thank you to everyone who reviewed <3

 

As Kakashi-sensei interrogates—interrogate, does he mean torture? No, I do not think Kakashi-sensei would do that and he said my suggestion of using tickling genjutsu until they confessed was brilliant—the two masked men, I think about how to fight without hurting my opponent. Masked Number Two had stopped clutching his most sensitive parts and moaning a little while ago so I feel less badly about kicking him there, but I would still rather not repeat the fight. Perhaps if I am to get faster, I will be able to knock my opponents out before the fight can even begin?

"Sasuke-kun, running off by yourself was dangerous," Sakura chides, "promise you won't do it again."

"Oh, it was alright," I reassure her, "I just grabbed his most sensitive spot and he started screaming. I just wonder if there is a way to disarm your opponent without making them hurt. Perhaps a smoke bomb? Or oh, Occlumency-genjutsu! Would that work? Tell me, Sakura, please!"

"Ummm, Sasuke-kun," Sakura asks carefully, "you grabbed his—I meant you grabbed his—"

"Sasuke-bastard, you're telling us your grabbed that poor f—I mean guy—by his balls," Naruto asks in a wary awe, " that ain't right. And traitor Mizuki-sensei said your taijutsu lacked viciousness. You're even more bloodthirsty than Ino and Sakura used to get when they were fighting over who got to eat lunch with Nara."

Sakura glares at him and hisses, "You said you'd never speak about that, baka! It was just a phase, a very, very _low_ point in my and Ino's lives."

Sakura does not like being reminded how of she and Ino used to get blush-y and stutter-y over Shikamaru and gets angry when we remind her of it. After she and Ino had stopped blushing whenever they had lunch with me, they found someone else to giggle at until Shikamaru farted very indiscreetly and said neither of them would get him, let alone any man, if they kept on acting so loud and troublesome. Then, Shikamaru ended up in the duck-pond and Ino and Sakura said they were strong, independent kunoichi that didn't need no man, except for target practice.

Thankfully before Sakura can begin to use Naruto for target practice, Kakashi-sensei pops his head over the sand dune and instructs us to prepare to leave. A squad of Suna chunin and Suna three genin who look to be this-body's age intercept us as we begin to head out. Kakashi-sensei explains the situation and they motion for us to follow them to the city.

Dry wind blows and we follow the Suna-nin. Naruto and Sakura, reconciled in the face of strange enemies, begin to talk amongst themselves. I look at the desert; it doesn't resemble a turtle's back—oh there is a white rabbit on the sand dune to the east of me; what is it doing in the desert?— so I don't think I feel any closer to myself like I previously hypothesized I would be in the desert. Mainly, I feel hungry and have nothing to interest my thoughts; there is not much to see around me to look at other than sand, though I do keep my eye open for any lurking Tunisian Death-Worms. If they were to attack, that would cause problems since not many people are aware of their existence.

Eventually, I look at one of the Suna genin. He has red hair and a large gourd full of unidentified material on his back. Since I sense no Death-Worms, I will investigate him instead.

"Why is your gourd so big?" I ask him. "Is it full of shruiken or, oh, kunai? In Konoha, they say Suna-nin have very small kunai, if they have them at all, that is, and Suna-nin don't know how to use them, the kunai, when they're going against Konoha kunoichi."

The Suna-nin respond with silence and the other two Suna genin—a blonde girl with her hair in tufts and a war-painted boy with spiky hair— back away anxiously. Kakashi-sensei slouches even more than usual but casually moves into a defensive stance. The redheaded boy stares at me.

"Oh, I suppose that means you don't have any kunai in there, even a small one," I continue, "What is in your gourd then? Please do tell me if it wouldn't be rude for me to ask."

The redhaired boy blinks and rasps, "It's sand," before turning away. The people around me exhale audibly and continue walking. Naruto takes my shoulder and nudges me towards Sakura.

"Sand," I wonder, "why would he be carrying sand in the middle of a desert where he is surrounded by sand? It just doesn't make any sense."

"Shhh Sasuke-kun, a lot of things don't make sense," Sakura murmurs, " and please just don't make any more…small kunai jokes around people who want to stab us."

"Or around people who don't want to stab ya 'caus then they will want to stab you," Naruto chimes in helpfully.

I nod and turn my eyes to the sun. Sand in the desert. Does the redheaded boy use sand as a weapon? Could I use sand as a weapon? I have so many questions that I need have answered. I decide to befriend the redheaded boy. Perhaps he is a pacifist like me. And since he is part of another ninja-village, perhaps he knows information about Brother I do not have access to. Finding the Truth in totalitarian, military regimes is just as hard when you are an actual child soldier as when you are just an Academy child-soldier-in-training; I cannot even look at B-rank files without Mr. Hokage-sama's preapproval and he has been rather twitchy since the Orochimaru Incident…

We eventually arrive in Suna flanked by our guard and Kakashi-sensei, taking the sealed scroll from Sakura, goes away with our guard and Masked Man Number One and Two, saying, "Maaa, I'm going to sort this out now. Why don't the three of you wait here in the mission office? This genin and his little friends will—" Kakashi-sensei gestures at the war-painted boy with spiky brown hair "—take very good care of you, I'm sure." Kakashi-sensei does his eye-smile at him and the spiky-haired boy gulps and exchanges glances with the blonde girl. They both look at the redheaded boy. The redheaded boy remains impassive.

Left alone in the room with the three Suna genin and Naruto and Sakura, I smile slowly, I do love making friends. It's been a while since I met someone who looked at me without the eyes of wary pity; most everyone in Konoha knows about Brother and thinks I am not in my right mind. Except those girls that blush and stutter at me who think I am, in their words, "flawlessly beautiful and perfect," but I think they may not be in their right minds. There is actually a pollen that then-Daddy told me about that made female Veelas act like that when it was their mating season; perhaps I should look into it and see if I can cure those poor girls….

"Hello, what is your name? I want to be friends—good friends, actually," I say stretching out my hand to the redheaded boy as he glares at me, "my name is Uchiha Sasuke, and I have been reincarnated in this-body to find the Truth and perhaps peace, yes, I like peace. I like many things and I don't particularly dislike anything except Shimura Danzo—he has the soul of a Dementor left rotting underwater for three decades—and I'd have something you'd say is a reality—because it isn't a dream because it is the Truth—of finding Broth—" Naruto's tan hand covers my mouth.

"Is that his real, actual personality?" asks the blonde girl, eyeing me up and down, "It's always the cute ones that lose it, too."

"Hey, we're the only ones that get to insult the Bastard, lady," Naruto shouts, "sometimes he gets confused when he meets new people, ya know; he doesn't get out a lot. We'll just be over here if that's just how ya guys are gonna be."

"And we're really sorry about that small kunai joke; I'm sure your kunai are just perfect," Sakura adds as she edges away from the redheaded boy.

"You didn't let Uchiha Sasuke finish talking," the redheaded boy intones flatly. Sand begins to flicker out of his gourd. Everyone freezes. I wonder why. His chakra-aura feels strange but not as strange and wicked as Danzo's or Orochimaru's. It reminds me of Brother's did before he was framed for killing everyone.

"My reality is finding Brother and becoming a family again built on respect and trust and," I pause, "probably finding the Crumple-Horned Snorkack, which really does exist, though maybe not in this reality. I think the closest thing you would have to it the desert in this-world in perhaps Tunisian Death-Worms which are very big snakes that live beneath the sand and—"

"And I thought you were going to be interesting," says the redheaded boy, "I'd tell you my name, but you're an idiot. Go away."

"Kakashi-sensei told us to stay here," Sakura asserts, puffing up and tossing pink hair back. I hope she backs down; I don't think the redheaded boy would make for good target practice.

The redheaded boy looks at Sakura and then looks at me before stating, "You aren't even worth killing. I will be going then." Then, he walks to a window and jumps out. I don't think my friend-making attempt went that well. In the spirit of Gai-sensei, however, I will persevere.

"I'm going to now the bathroom now, but the rest of you should talk and become friends as well," I tell them, " We are the next generation and building camaraderie between us, Gai-sensei says anyways, builds camaraderie between the villages and then nations and then rainbows as a whole. If we're all friends, then there's no need for stabbing each other and death and the such."

I act like I'm heading to the bathroom so Naruto and Sakura don't stop me, but once I am out of their view, I jump out the first available window like the redheaded boy did. If I want to clear Brother's name, I really do need to make friends outside of my current friend-group and the redheaded boy seems like he is powerful, albeit slightly angry like all the children in this world are. He is honestly no worse than Akimichi Choji that one time Inuzaka Kiba ate all his chips for a bet. Poor Kiba didn't get out of the hospital for two weeks, and the only thing Choji's father had to say was, "That's my son."

Also, I need to find out more about his sand. I do not understand why he needs a gourd-ful of it. Wait, perhaps the gourd is full of miniture Tunisian Death-Worms? That would be a fearsome weapon, and I'm sure Mr. Hokage-sama would want to know about it.

I skip after the redheaded boy where was headed to when I sense a chakra-presence that feels like cold winter air and the northern air. I duck and a senbon—made of ice instead of metal however that may have happened—comes rushing at my head was two seconds before. It comes to a halt when it caught by a cloud of sand.

The redheaded boy appears out of the shadows and is looking upwards to where the senbon came from. "You, Uchiha, go away before I decide to kill you," he growls, jerking his head towards me, " and, you in the shadows, come out so I can kill you just like all the other assassins Father sent after me."

A small figure appears and a calm voice replies, "Actually, Gaara-san, it's not you that I was sent after. Sasuke-san, if we could keep the fight between the two of us."

"Wait, what?" Gaara snarls even harder, as if he were Kakashi-sensei's ninken Bull, "You're trying to kill _him_?" I don't understand why he sounds so insulted when he isn't the one who has almost been killed twice in two days.

The small figure comes closer and becomes the beautiful person I've ever seen, even more beautiful than Gai-sensei. I lose track of my thoughts of don't think of totalitarian regimes, impending war, or even Brother. I think I hear my heart pounding.

"Hello," I say breathlessly, "what is your name? You have lovely eyes; they remind of those amber bracelets this-Mother used to wear."

The girl—perhaps he or she is a boy; his or her eyes are so beautiful I cannot think clearly enough to determine—tilts their head and says, "Haku."

I sigh. They has a lovely voice, and Haku's chakra aura feels so pure and snow-like. Haku smiles at me indulgently.

In the background, I hear a cough. Sand is flaking off of Gaara's face. I suppose that isn't good. "An assassin just tried to kill you," Gaara says slowly like Iruka-sensei did when he was trying to explain what intercourse was to me, " and you are talking about how pretty his eyes are. When an assassin tries kill you, you kill the assassin. If it's one your father sent, you kill them even harder to prove to him that you are worth your existence. Also, if the body isn't too crushed, you can give him the head as a Father's Day present."

I sigh, " This-Father and then-Daddy are dead, so they couldn't have sent an assassin after me even if they were ever cruel enough to do that in the first place. Also, I don't want to kill anyone, and Haku is so polite. Haku is only trying to kill me, you see, not any of my friends, and Haku's eyes are the loveliest that I've ever seen. Windows are the eyes to soul; don't you know that, Gaara?" Haku begins to flush heavily and giggles.

Gaara scowls; his windows to his soul start to look slightly upset and glow brightly. "I've changed my mind," Gaara says flatly, "I'm going to kill both of you."

Haku dances in front of me and says quietly, "I'm afraid I cannot I allow you to do that, Gaara-san, our contract states that we must capture Sasuke-san alive." Haku smiles at me from over their shoulder. I decide to focus on the most pressing issue.

"Gaara, you said your father was sending assassins after you, didn't you?" I ask, "you must know that that is abhorrent and child abuse and I'm sure the Kazekage or whoever is in charge of the government here would be furious that such a thing could happen. Mr. Hokage-sama was angry when he found out was happening to my friend Naruto, and he put a stop to it. Have you tried talking to him about it?"

For some reason, this makes Gaara even angrier and more sand starts to pool out of his gourd. He lunges towards Haku and me.

"I do hate violence; if it were up to me, I wouldn't fight at all," Haku says quietly before quickly weaving hand-signs with pale fingers.

I blink dreamily. It appears that Gaara is not the pacifist I hoped he would be, but I still have found a fellow soul. And my fellow soul's name is Haku.

We will be the Gai-sensei and Kakashi-sensei of our generation.

* * *


	10. dung bombs and exploding tags

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fight happens. Luna-suke does not quite understand Gaara's raison d'être.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto and Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me, no profit involved. Warnings for slight violence.

I edge to the side of the fight as I try to think of what to do as Haku and Gaara circle each other. I have never had people fight over me before, so this is all very new and strange. Sakura, I guess, would say it would be rude to interrupt them except for, of course, the exception that they try to use lethal force upon each other?

Sand begins to cluster around Gaara's face as Haku sends a barrage of ice-senbons it, and the fight continues. I am getting rather bored of all this fighting.

Haku tosses their hair out their face and it swishes prettily. Gaara growls; I suppose in their own special, monotone way Gaara's growls growl out just as prettily as Haku's hair swishes. Everyone has something that is pretty and good about them as far as I see, except for Danzo, for whom the Yamanaka mind-walkers say I have "irrational hatred" for. And I am sure even Danzo has something pretty and light buried somewhere—very, very deeply buried like an Angel's Trumpet bloom hidden beneath many mounds of tooth-rot and blubber-root rubbish in a first-years Potions class—under all of that horrible chakra-aura.

As I contemplate this, Gaara's growling and Haku's hair-swishing grows louder. Mirrors made of ice appear around us, towering above our heads. Haku has disappeared. I sigh and dart from the sidelines to Gaara's side. I thought Haku had said they didn't like fighting like me. Perhaps there are extenuating circumstances for this, such as dryads affecting the air with drunk-madness. Anyways, I suppose this means that I should step in; simply telling anyone who wants to fight to shoo does not work. Orochimaru taught me that much. Now, I must fall back on my strengths. What are my strengths anyways? Most of the time it feels like life is the sky and I am like one of Shikamaru's clouds drifting where the higher powers of Nature blow.

I'm tired of being blown places. I don't mean to be resentful … I'm just tired of being blown places. I saw so many of my friends from my before-life die by the hands of people who didn't know any better than to hate. It is rather dreadful so I don't want to think of it, or my this-family being killed. Despite this, now in this-life everyone wants to seem to kill each other even more than anyone in my before-life. Why can't we all be friends?

What looks to be twenty different Hakus gather overhead and around in the dome of mirrors surrounding Gaara and I. Gaara snarls—his snarls are intimidating, not as nice-sounding as his growls—loudly, "Come out or I crush your prey right where he stands. You have no chance of stopping me. Your kind is all the same, weak and caring about other people, never knowing the truth: the only thing worth living for is your own existence. Anything else is just something to be killed."

To demonstrate, sand begins to gather at my feet and then my knees, and then, oh, I am unable to move anything below my waist. My breathing grows harder and everything feels tight.

There is a movement from above and a senbon flies from overhead, scratching Gaara's cheek. Gaara sends a block of sand hurtling to mirror where it came from and it shatters above us, raining down like ice tears. I close my eyes. More ice-senbons come flying towards Gaara's head. I begin to finger the modified smoke bombs hidden under my armbands.

"Gaara-san," Haku's voice calls out clearly, "I would rather not kill anyone tonight, and, if you force me to continue, you'll see to be truly strong, you must be protecting a precious person. I'm capturing Sasuke-san for my precious person so my will is indeed greater than yours. To live only for yourself is not to live at all."

Gaara's scornful response is to snarl harder. Haku's reflections swish their hair affrontedly in the ice-mirrors. I would almost be twirly and unable to think from the loveliness of this image, but Gaara began to tighten the sand even more hard around my legs. I decided this was a good time to set off the smoke bombs.

These smoke bombs are rather special ones that I made with Naruto: two-thirds glitter and one-third malodorous stench collected from Naruto's worst flatulence. I decide since this situation is rather urgent I'll set off all of them at once. Since we are an enclosed space, they'll obstruct the view and the smell won't be able to escape…

I hold my nose and close my eyes as I let them go with a _phoompf._ A mushroom cloud forms. The sand falls from around me and I hear a thud as Haku falls from one of the mirrors gagging. Gaara staggers around choking and batting at the glitter landing on his face. I smile happily and set off my last bomb. Having had a sleepover with Naruto after he tried Mr. Teuchi's experimental hundred-bean ramen bowl has acclimated me to the reek.

Deciding Haku is the greater threat currently as Gaara will probably ignore my existence if I do not attack him, I skip towards Haku as they stumble looking for their mirror. I dance around them, wrapping chakra wire around their body to trip them up, before darting back.

Smelling the latest onslaught of stench, Gaara sends a weak stream of sand that lands halfheartedly three feet away from my head. Haku croaks delicately, "For spirit's sake, please make it stop." Then, Haku's body begins to shake with coughs and the mirrors begin to fall around us, tinkling like snowflakes when they hit the ground. The smoke dissipates and Haku and Gaara are on the ground looking up at me with identical, rather stunned expressions.

I nod at Gaara and Haku both before saying, " I appreciate this artistic form of channeling your violence. Killing each other with ice-mirror illusions and sand is very creative compared to most ways one could try to commit homicide, I suppose, but can we talk before we begin fighting again? I really am interested in your ethical reasons for wanting to kill each other, though I would rather we not kill each other at all."

Gaara stands and makes a growling sound. He asks slowly, "Are you trying to mock us?" Beside him, Haku raises their head curiously.

I shake my head enthusiastically. "Not at all. Why would you think that? I think an open, peaceful dialogue is the best solution to any problem, and I genuinely care about you and Haku as people. I want to hear more about your life, your raison d'etre, you could say. For instance, can you tell me more about your father trying to kill you?"

I try to arrange my face into a serious, trustworthy expression and furrow my eyebrows like my counselors did whenever I started talking about Wrackspurts and Brother. And Nargles. And Gai-sensei. I think I confuse my counselors whenever I speak.

Gaara looks at my suspiciously before saying stiffly, "My father, the Kazekage, placed a demon in my pregnant mother when I was still an unborn child. I was born wrong and Mother died. On my sixth birthday, Father decided I was a monster and started sending assassins to kill me. Now, I kill to prove I can and live through other's deaths."

Haku's wondrous eyes widen ever-so-slightly at this. They hesitate before offering, "My father tried to kill me too, Gaara-san. I was born in Kiri, and my bloodline limit—it's curse, or so people say—is hated. My mother had it, so my father killed her for it. Then, he tried to kill me, but I killed hi—I didn't mean to. Anyways, I had no one until Zabuza-san, my guardian, took me in and now I kill to protect him and prove my devotion to him. He is injured currently so now I will capture Sasuke-san in his place. It is my purpose."

Gaara shifts slightly and says, "My Uncle Yashamaru raised me until Father told him to assassinate me. Then, I killed him as well. You should protect no one but yourself. One own's life is the only life worth living. The only purpose in life is to live life for yourself."

Haku shakes their head, "You're wron—"

"Have the two of you ever considered," I interrupt cautiously, "that killing is not the answer to protecting your own or other people's lives despite your personal tragedy. For instance, my family died and everyone says Brother murdered them and drove me mad with his genjutsu. I don't think I would ever kill, though. Killing other people just means dead bodies that are not yours and your loved one's; it's not like killing has a purpose than ending someone's life. Which is a horrible enough purpose."

Haku and Gaara both look at me dubiously. I continue, "Haku, would you mind telling me who sent you after me? I promise I won't tell anyone." I felt guilty about this last lie, but I do have to make some sacrifices to find the Truth. And tell Kakashi-sensei so I do not get abducted to unknown lands. All things indicate that would be unpleasant.

Haku sighs, "Two people have offered rewards for you to be captured alive and mostly unmaimed: an unnamed party from the Land of Fire and the Otokage from the Land of Sound. I'm sorry, Sasuke-san, but I'm going to have to take you prisoner now. Please do not resist; I would dislike having to hurt you."

Land of Sound? The rumors say Orochimaru in his cape of red clouds roams there; with him is Brother, I suppose. And who is this that wishes me ill in Land of Fire? The only one I can think of is—thinking about Danzo is really beginning to wear down my chakra-aura. He makes me think dark thoughts. It would be just like him to send a prepubescent genocide survivor who hates fighting to do his dirty work. He is worse than that man who ate the goblin pies.

"But I thought we made a connection, Haku. You and Gaara are my friends now. You, you stopped trying to kill each other. We, I," I protest as Haku begins to advance towards me. In the background, Gaara exhales and slightly shakes his head in what appears to be disapproval. But considering the usual non-expression he is wearing on his face, he could just as easily be shaking off a bothersome pixie buzzing in his ear. Those are common this time of year.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a cyclone of wind and barrage of orange bodies swoop across the roof, headed directly at Haku. Haku darts away only to cut off by an exploding tag lobbed at their head by a pink-haired figure screeching out a war-cry.

"Bastard, hold in there! We'll save you!" yell a cacophony of Naruto-voices as they plummet to the rooftop.

The tufty-haired blonde girl and twenty Naruto-clones land gracelessly behind me. "Step away from Gaara, you scum," the blonde girl hisses, fingering her fan threateningly, "I don't care whether Father sent you or not. Gaara's just a little crazy nowadays and he's getting better. He hasn't crushed anyone to death in two weeks, and that was when he thought that guy was an assassin trying to kill him!"

"And do you know what makes Gaara think everyone is an assassin trying to kill him in the first place?" the face-painted boy continues, coming up behind his sister, "I don't know, maybe because Father sends assassins to try and kill him, maybe that's what makes him more paranoid. Putting a demon in his head and expecting him to normal probably didn't help either. Just a guess. You can go tell Father that."

There is a beat. "There seems to be a misunderstanding. I'm here for Sasuke-san, not Gaara-san," Haku admits.

Naruto growls, "You can't have Bastard. He's our comrade, and I don't know about Suna, but in Konoha, we never leave our comrades. Ever. And besides, it's not right to beat on people aren't quite alright in the head. Didn't your parents teach anything?"

Sakura pipes in, "Naruto doesn't even has parents and he knows better than that. You really are a horrible person for beating on someone like Sasuke-kun. You're, you're like that Danzo-sama!"

That was a cruel thing for Sakura to say. In no way is someone as fractured-ice-broken and pure-hearted as Haku in the same category as Lethifold-fodder, Dementor-soul Danzo.

I close my eyes and think calming thoughts of baby Pygmy Puffs cuddling in piles of golden yarn and slurping Butterbeer from a saucer up like little kittens. Peaceful thoughts. I am serene and not even Tunisian Death-Worms can touch me. Danzo isn't here. The mention of his name should will not turn my chakra-aura grey.

I exhale and annunciate lightly, "Haku's parents tried to kill them, so let's not talk about that. It's quite unkind. Haku, I would rather not be captured right now so I'm not going to be captured. Naruto, Sakura, Gaara, Gaara's siblings whose names I forgot, and I will be in the mission office and engage in the passion of youth like Gai-sensei recommends, Haku. You are welcome to join us if you don't try to abduct me again. Your guardian is welcome as well."

I pause before clarifying, "Your guardian is welcome if he does not try to abduct me as well, I mean. And no stabbing people, setting things on fire, and so on."

Haku shakes their head slowly and slips away into the darkness. Naruto and Sakura tense but they let them leave. My heart slowly throbs, but I ignore it. At least I opened up a dialogue and stopped an armed conflict. Then-Daddy would be proud and write a column about it in his paper. This-Father would probably _harrumph_ and tell me be a man and practice stabbing the practice dummies more often. Apparently that's what men do. I miss them both dearly, even more than Haku.

I yawn and let my eyes flicker up to the desert moon. It is getting rather late. "Well, I suppose that is the end of that. I didn't mean to push my friendship upon them, but I do hope Haku decides to join us later. Why don't we go inside and try something youthful and all be friends now?"

"Bastard," Naruto interrupts, looking serious for once, "we gotta talk first. You aren't acting normal. I mean you aren't acting like you normally do."

"No," I chirp clearly before beginning to turn. Why is everyone so caught up on what is normal?

"But, Sasuke-kun, we have to talk about you going off on your own into a fight again. Without us. We're a team. You're getting reckless and getting into fights, and Naruto and I are worried that almost seeing your Brother and dealing with Orochimaru and Danzo-sama made you not—" Sakura protests.

"Not quite right in head?" I sing-song the epithet which I have heard over and over again in both my before-life and this-life, " No matter what you say, I am quite alright in the head right now, and now I want to head back inside with Gaara so we can cover his sand-gourd in fairy dust and cacti flowers and glitter. The rest of you can follow me if you want."

Gaara stares and he asks, "How did you know I like cacti flowers?"

I respond solemnly, "Who doesn't like cacti flowers?"

Gaara understands me. Gaara knows.

 


	11. lunasuke's and gaara's excellent adventure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto and Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me, no profit involved. Also I read Harlan Ellison's short story "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream," which is what Lunasuke's nightmare drew inspiration from; don't own that either.
> 
> Warnings for slight violence and language. Also, to give people a head's up: the next chapter is probably going to be a bit of reality (and sadness) ensues but the Dersert Arc will be finally done and the chunin exams arc will begin the chapter after that (and with them the rest of the Konoha 12 and maybe Itachi...)! Next update should be up the week after week.

"And that is how you interpret dreams you have on the night of the new moon into predictions based on the future. I remember the Sakura-like girl from my before-life said Divination was bollocks—her phrasing was a bit rude, yes, but she was a bit upset at the time because Professor Trawampay said her palms indicated she was going to have several red-headed children by Donald Wheez-easy—but Divination is quite useful. I remember a time, well one time," I pause as I am giving the Kazekage my report on Haku's attack, trying to remember exactly what is I thought I could remember. My memories from my before-life are quite blurry. Other than the nightmares that only come at night when I am in the compound alone. I always remember those when sleep swirls and they hide in the shadows when day comes.

"What is it that you claim to remember?" the Kazekage says flatly. Other than his darker hair, he looks like I imagine Gaara will look like in thirty years. I suppose that could come from him being Gaara's father. He is surprisingly patient with reports, more so than Mr. Hokage-sama, though that may be because Gaara is hovering by my side like Ino did whenever other females tried to approach me with letters and chocolates.

"I am not sure I quite remember. Oh yes, but getting back on why Haku was attacking me, they said they had been hired by two people: the Otokage—that is Orochimaru I think though I could be wrong—" the Kakzekage's eyes sharpen as soon as I say the Otokage— "and someone else. I suppose if we found Haku's guardian Zabuza he would be able to tell us more, Mr. Kazekage-sama."

I decide to leave out that the "someone else" was from the Land of Fire. Having someone from within our borders send an assassin who ended up attacking the Kazekage's son perhaps could cause an international incident, especially with things being tense between the Land of Fire and Land of Wind already.

"The Otokage you said," the Kazekage muses out loud his advisors shift uncomfortably beside him, "what would he want with you? And why would another head of state be idiotic enough to send a nuke-nin into _my_ village and get _my_ son caught in the crossfire?"

Apparently, Mr. Kazekage-sama is the only one allowed to send people to attack his son. I suppose that must count for something. There is actually a species of dragon like that in the southernmost reaches of Romania where the mothers constantly attack their young to make them stronger. It is one thing for dragons to do that; for humans, however… I do wish there was some way for me to tell the Kazekage this without getting executed for insubordination. Mr. Hokage-sama gave me a strongly worded lecture about how freedom of speech and press are not an essential rights in my Konoha this-life the last time I told Danzo what I thought of him. Apparently, if I continue to be "painfully blunt" with my superiors, I can be court-martialed. I only imagine this freedom would be even more curtailed in Suna.

Since I cannot say what I think, I open my mouth to begin talking about the habitats of unicorns, usually a non-controversial topic of conversation, but someone interrupts me.

"You were attacked by someone who claimed to working for Zabuza—Zabuza Momochi—Demon of the Mist and you just now thought it prudent to inform us? What kind of bullshit is Leaf teaching its genin these days?" one of the Kazekage's advisors, Baki I think, demands loudly while shooting a significant look at Kakashi-sensei. Kakashi-sensei grunts casually and sinks further into his literature about water nymphs—interestingly, I think the only water nymphs that exist in my this-life are in Kakashi-sensei's books. I'd tell him that in my world there are some species of water nymph that tickle a man to death before dragging his corpse down to their watery abodes. I think it would ruin his reading.

"Don't insult Uchiha Sasuke or his comrades. He is my friend and now I am going to show him my cactus collection," says Gaara in a firm command from the edge of the room. Everyone's heads turn towards us.

"What did you say, Gaara?" the Kazekage asks warily and slowly as if trying to decide whether if this is problem he could get his ninja-hitmen to assassinate or it is something important enough to require him using his words to talk to his youngest son.

"Uchiha Sasuke and his annoying pink-haired friend and the stupid blonde are now my friends. We are going to," Gaara pauses slowly before continuing, " 'hang out,' or so they called it, and garden. Also, Uchiha Sasuke said that sending assassins after your children is child abuse and that you should not be doing it … I agree and I want to go to family therapy to talk about my issues with you as a parent. That way you'll only be able to forbid me from speaking about my feelings when you have the talking stick."

At this, the tufty-haired Temari chokes and face-painted Kankuro flinches. The Kazekage's nostrils flare slightly. Gaara straightens his back even further and stares even more at his father.

Kakashi-sensei stopped slouching and raised his hands placatingly. "Maa, maa, Gaara-kun, why don't you take your siblings and Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke out to your cacti garden and calm down a little bit? It isn't very nice to bring out all this family business in front of company now, is it now? Kazekage-sama, now that the children have all given us their report, why don't we discuss this further? Having an S-ranked missing-nin infiltrate Suna is quite the security breach, especially one sent by the Otokage. Konoha seems to be having problems with him too. Perhaps we could find a solution beneficial to both of us by…" Kakashi-sensei trails off before eyeing Gaara and me.

The Kazekage jerks his head to the door and does not look at Gaara. "Leave," he orders. Gaara stiffens and does not move until Kankuro and Temari gently grab his hand and pull him out the door. Naruto and Sakura both grab my shoulder and we follow.

I allow myself to be led out of the room and wish more than anything in this world for an Extendable Ear. Perhaps I shall invent one with this world. While I do not have magic that I can channel through a wand, I do have chakra that I can channel through my hands: the principles are pretty much the same. And the potential for espionage is immense. If I am able to collect information about my enemies, then perhaps I will be able to plan ways in which I do not have to attack them.

"Sasuke-kun," Sakura says softly, "are you alright? You seem a little upset. Is there something you would like to talk about?"

I shake my head and Sakura returns to quizzing Temari about the tactics best used to combine wind jutsu with other elemental transformations. "Have you ever considered adding katon to your ninjutsu with the fan? With the right manipulation of the air currents, perhaps you could create a larger fireball or maybe even a tornado; it would be very useful for offense," Sakura muses.

Temari tilts her and twirls a piece of her hair. "Not many people in Suna have affinity for fire for fire. But we do have exploding tags. Wanna experiment?"

Sakura smiles sweetly before she and Temari leave me with Gaara, Kankuro, and Naruto. I hope Sakura does not introduce Ino to Temari as well. The collateral damage would be terrifying.

I stare over the sand dunes. The setting sun is beautiful and gleams over the white sand like crystals. Gaara's cacti poke up like little baby Mandrakes nestled in tiny pots in the Herbology greenhouse, like the little flowers Grandma Uchiha planted in the garden under the kitchen window. I want to see those flowers again, I want to see the Mandrakes, but all I have are the cacti Gaara are showing. Gaara is nice—I think he will be a good friend—but he isn't the people I used to know. The cacti aren't Mandrakes or Grandma's flowers. I thought I was at peace with my loved one's being dead or at least gone in all the ways that matter. The longer time goes on, the more I realize that I am not okay. I just am—I do not know what I am. I want to sleep. I want Brother. Time passing makes the ache worse because it means more time without seeing him.

"Thank-you for showing me the cacti, Gaara. I think I am going to go to my room now," I say, "Goodnight everyone."

Gaara starts to me as if to take me by the wrist, but Naruto stops reluctantly him. "Let the Bastard go. Sometimes he needs space, ya know, to think and be by himself a little. I'll check on him later. Errrr, Gaara didn't you say you wanted to show us the prickly pears on the other side of dune?"

Gaara nods and the boys disappear. I wander to the room I was assigned and let sleep take me. The nightmares come out of the shadows again: _I am using my naked-girl jutsu and my breasts are bouncing magnificently. Gai-sensei and Kakashi-sensei prance through a meadow of buttercups and fire lilies surrounded by frolicking ninken in the hats I made them. A boy who looks just like Gai-sensei comes out and begins dancing too, and then Haku and Brother appear. My heart feels like it will burst from joy, but then the fire lilies begin to wilt. The buttercups—they are butter now— melt like butter on a pan and spit upwards and out, burning Gai-sensei and Kakashi-sensei and the miniature Gai-sensei until they melt too. All that is left is Haku and me, Brother standing off in the distance. Haku opens their mouth but nothing comes out. Brother approaches and smiles at me. Then, Brother cuts Haku's throat. I want to scream but I cannot. Brother leans towards me and says, "If you do not kill me, Sasuke, I will never die. Let me die. Please." Then, light flashes green and Brother's eyes are dead, dead like then-Daddy's. His eyes remain dead—they're greyish-blue now though— but his hair changes to corn-husk blonde. A wand appears in my hand and I have killed him and I scream. But I have no mouth._

"Sasuke, Sasuke, wake up," a voice bellows loudly. I open my eyes and Naruto hovering over me, Gaara standing behind him. "What's the matter, Bastard?" Naruto stands behind him.

I blink. "The buttercups were melted butter and they burned me, Naruto, the buttery buttercups burned me. And Kakashi-sensei and Gai-sensei stopped frolicking. It was horrible."

Naruto wrinkles his nose and mutters, "Kakashi-sensei and Gai-sensei…frolicking in melted butter. I can see why that would give you nightmares, Bastard. It's okay; I got you." He pats me on the back reassuringly.

"No, no," I exclaim, "the nightmare was they stopped frolicking. And Brother killed Haku and told me to kill him. And I did. I did." My voice becomes quieter and Naruto's face becomes serious.

Gaara tilts his head and asks, "Why is killing your Brother a bad thing?" Naruto scowls at him. Gaara scowls back.

"Why don't you want to kill him? Even in Suna, we've heard stories of how Uchiha Itachi slaughtered his clan and drove his younger brother mad. Why do you still love him? How could you love someone like that?" Gaara continues.

"Your siblings still love you, don't they?" Naruto demands, "You still love your old man even after everything he's done. I'd still love Sakura-chan and the Bastard if they did horrible shit. They still love me even though I got—never mind what I got in me. If you think someone's family, they're family even if they are a monster. That's the way it is."

But Naruto isn't a monster. Neither is Gaara. They are humans—small humans as well, just boys.

Gaara tilts his head and says, "I don't think I understand what you are talking about. No one loves me other than myself. Only a monster itself can love itself."

Naruto scowls, eyes fierce, "That's bullshit. No matter what you say, you're like me; we're the same. You have the choice to choose whether you can be like what people say you are or you can be better. I chose to be better; that's my ninja way. I will become Hokage and everyone will respect and love me and acknowledge the good things I've done. I'm never gonna stop trying to be better."

Gaara says nothing but sand begins to flake slowly outside of his gourd. Why does any form of kindness make Gaara suspicious? I sigh and then rise slowly up and envelop both the boys in a hug.

"Shhhh," I order as I embrace them, "why don't we stop arguing and decorate Gaara's gourd like I promised I would. Orange is a lovely color choice, isn't it, Naruto? And don't you think some prickly pears on top would be lovely, Gaara?" Hugs are calming; arts and crafts are peaceful. Perhaps this will make them less argumentative.

"Don't touch me and I want to use Kingcup cacti as the floral component, Uchiha Sasuke," Gaara replies as he shrugs off my arm and twitches.

I nod thoughtfully. "Red would go wonderfully with your hair, Gaara. Hmmmm, have you ever considered wearing green before? This man I know has this jumpsuit that is quite wonderful."

Naruto takes a step back and exclaims, "I don't want to do any decorating—that's … that's like something girly like what Sakura and Ino would do in their free time."

I blink and toss my bangs out of my face so I can better see what Naruto is thinking. Sometimes it is hard to tell. "Don't know that Sakura and Ino also memorize the best place to slash a man in the stomach in their free time, Naruto? Besides, your distaste is actually based upon gender norms that developed by a sect of Jashinists in the last two or so centuries. Gourd-decorating actually used to be non-gender specific activity that was highly regarded when Empress Wu the Woebegone ruled the Land of Air four hundred twenty-eight years ago."

Gaara looks at me and sniffs, " Do not bother with him, Uchiha Sasuke. Some people have no appreciation for the arts."

Naruto turns red and yells, "I have plenty of appreciation of the arts, dick-face. I just don't like decorating and stuff. If you saw my window boxes in my 'partment in Konoha, you'd know I am even better at gardening than you!"

"Mr. Ukki—that Naruto's pet plant—and his friends are lovely succulents and those are very hard to grow in our environment with all the rain," I agree solemnly.

Gaara pauses slowly before saying, "If he gardens, I guess he cannot be that bad, Uchiha Sasuke. Uzumaki Naruto, you can decorate in our presence and I will not kill you."

I suppose some people would say that is a generous offer.

Naruto splutters before putting a palm to his face and complaining about weird bastards and arrogant dick-faces. I take the fact that he has given Gaara an obscene nickname like mine as a sign of friendship. Teenage boys are very strange about how they demonstrate affection.

I smile radiantly. This is like one of those sleepovers that I learned about in Muggle Studies from my before-life that adolescent non-magic girls and boys had. I wonder what Truth-or-Dare would be like with Gaara and Naruto. Perhaps I should suggest it… I shall suggest it. What could go wrong?

When we wake up the next day underneath a mountain of sand in the Kazekage's office that had not been there the previous day, I decide that suggesting Truth-or-Dare to Naruto and Gaara has not been one of my better ideas. How was I supposed to have known that Gaara would flood the office in sand after Naruto and he started taking shots from that cacti husk? I think cacti juice may be slightly alcoholic to cause such a reaction though.

The Kazekage walks into his office, looks at the empty cacti husk pilfered from Gaara's garden, blinks, and then asks Gaara very pointedly, "Did you kill anyone?"

Naruto starts to protest but Gaara shakes his head slowly. "No, Father," he responds, "I did not kill anyone, nor did I maim or otherwise harm anyone. Also, I made this for you last night. Whenever we converse, if you wish to speak, you must hold this." Gaara hands the Kazekage a talking-stick decorated with Kingscup cacti blossom; it matches his gourd very well now. Also, it has a hidden spike inside. "To better stab assassins with," Gaara had said last night.

The Kazekage eyes Gaara and then the talking-stick cum stabbing utensil dubiously and Naruto mumbles something that sounds that sounds like "awkward."

The Kazekage finally un-tenses his shoulders and exhales slowly before ordering, "You in the orange, leave us. Your sensei wants you—" Naruto hesitates but eventually stomps out of the room when I Nod "—Uchiha, I have a mission for you to complete with my son. The two of you are to go to the oasis fifteen miles to the south and give this scroll to the leader of the caravan of merchants camped there."

Gaara narrows his eyes, "Uchiha Sasuke was just attacked within our city walls and now you want him to leave city walls to territory heavy in bandits."

The Kazekage nods before pointedly handing Gaara back the talking stick. "Don't be impertinent. I'll be sending some men to make sure you have back-up if you happen to encounter anyone."

"I see," says Gaara sardonically, "well then, everything is fine then. I know first-hand that your men very good—wait, they must not be very good because they always _fail_ to kill me."

The Kazekage's killing intent begins to gather and Gaara begins to breathe heavily. It looks like the talking-stick is not helping things. I say the first thing that comes to mind—

I sigh sadly, "Mr. Kazekage-sama, I know my opinion probably does not matter since you do not think I am important, but are you going to set a trap to try to get Haku and his guardian to attack me again, sir? Haku seems very tricky and a strategical fighter, so perhaps that would be very hard and dangerous for Gaara to be around that."

The Kazekage's lips tighten but his killing intent falls. He says nothing other than, "It is not your place to question me. The only reason I've put your eccentricities so far is your presence seems to make Gaara somewhat more stable. Do not forget your place, boy. If Zabuza does happen to attack you, I've taken precautions to catch him and find out what his true purpose in attacking my son is. Deliver the scroll now. I expect you back by sundown."

And so we head off.

"So," I ask Gaara, "could you tell me exactly what did happen last night? I don't quite remember anything other than waking up in the pile of sand."

Gaara does not look at me when he responds quietly, "You … turned into a naked woman and tried to persuade me to touch your chest so I could understand how nice it felt to have them."

I furrow my eyebrows. "Oh, I did, did I? That was silly of me. To fully understand what having breasts is like you have to do the jutsu and _feel_ them. Most other boys I show it just touch themselves a lot and snicker before ending it though; I don't think they truly appreciate it, though I know you will. Here, it's like this!" I perform the jutsu slowly enough that Gaara can copy it.

Gaara follows my hand-signs perfectly and poofs into a woman with long, red hair. He brings his hands up to his chest and his voice finally shows some emotion.

"What is this," he says in mild panic looking downwards, "they feel so … jiggly. How do women walk around with these? I don't know how I feel about this jutsu."

"Well," I begin to reply, "there are these things called bras that girls wear to keep—"

A cloud of mist encircles us, rudely interrupting my explanation. I sense two life-forms—one the familiar clean-ice feel of Haku and another dark one that feels like a catfish hiding in the depths of murky river.

I jerk my head at Gaara and breathe a fireball in the mist in attempt to clear our line of vision. The mist clears for one second to see two figures ten yards to our south. While Gaara's sand defends us from the barrage of senbon sent our way, I toss two shruiken at the figures—not close enough to hurt them but near enough that they need to dodge—but they are deflected by the larger figure's sword.

Gaara follows up instantaneously and hurls the talking-stick spike-first at the larger figure. It whirls through the air and grazes the larger figure's ankle before landing harmlessly in the sand. The Kingscup cacti blossom at its end has wilted mournfully.

Biting my lip slightly, I let my gaze shift to Gaara reproachfully. "Gaara, did you just throw the talking-stick at the scary-looking man over there? It isn't meant for that; remember it's a metaphor for how something that can be used for violence can also be used for change and dialogue. Which means _don't stab people with it_ , please."

Gaara folds his arms over his still jiggling chest—something I've noticed is his form of pouting.

My eyes widen. "Oh, Gaara, I'm so sorry; that was inconsiderate of me. This is how you end the jutsu." Gaara follows my hand-signs and poofs back into a glowering twelve-year-old boy. I suppose it suits him more. I am slowly realizing not everyone appreciates Naruto's jutsu the same way I do. It is rude and inconsiderate of me to think people would react the same I would. Oh well...

"I knew you said they were different," a deep voice sounds, "but what the actual fuck?"

Somewhere past my shoulder, Haku sighs.


	12. an ear for an ear makes the world deaf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a body part is accidentally cannibalized.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto and Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me, no profit involved. Warnings for violence and language (Zabuza has a filthy mouth). This chapter is the darker one that I was warning about the other chapter, but in the end I couldn't do the plot bunny I was planning so hopefully this is an okay middle path? Next update should be in two or three weeks.

After finally completing their drawn-out sigh, Haku tosses their hair away from their pretty, pretty face. I sigh and wave dreamily. Haku's eyes hesitantly flicker to the large man beside them who shakes his head sternly. For some reason, Haku does not wave back.

Even though Haku is trying to abduct me, I must admit that lack of acknowledgement is a bit hurtful. Perhaps their mind is on other things. Like Tunisian Death-Worms. I did not get to warn Haku about them, but I am sure someone as clever as Haku would already know to be on guard for them.

"Be careful, Zabuza-san. These two can, in fact, be dangerous when threatened, and the air lacks the humidity for us to use the Hiding-in-Mist technique effectively. If we manage to get close enough though, they should be easily enough taken out," Haku says.

The scary-looking man—Zabuza, the Demon of the Mist, he is called—slings the large sword off his shoulder, but he does not bother to move into a fighting stance. I suppose this can either mean that he is perhaps confident enough in his ability that he does not deem us a threat: slightly likely, as his reputation does seem rather horrible. Or he is a Jashinist: very likely, as Jashinists can pop up anywhere these days, you know.

The wind shifts and a breeze blows towards us, away from the lounging Zabuza and deathly still Haku.

Gaara adopts a similar stance, his eyes hardening and his arms crossing his chest. Something flares and I feel it—the killing in the air. It rams outwards of Gaara and Zabuza, clamoring in the dry desert heat. My body feels cold and as if I cannot move. This is different from before in the forest with Naruto's red-orange chakra and Orochimaru's disseminating rotten aura; that time no one meant to kill. Break free and play with one's food, perhaps, but not to maim and kill. Not to this extent. The looks in Zabuza's and Gaara's eyes are ones of hatred.

I bite my lip and force my legs to move. "Wait," I call out, "you look at each other, but all you see is enemies. It isn't so. Gaara, I've talked to you about fighting. And you, Mr. Demon of the Mist—do you mind if I call you that?—capturing me even for bounty is not worth it. Who's offering it? Danzo and Orochimaru? I can assure you that Danzo is slimy and, if rumors are to be believed, Orochimaru is slimier. How do you think business under the table with either of them would end? Why don't you work for your government instead of against it? It makes no sens—"

Gaara cuts me off, voice biting, "His sword has blood on it. It smells of Temari."

Zabuza caws out a hoarse laugh, "Pretty little blonde girl with fan? Yeah, she was one of the ones the Kazekage had tailing you. Shame that he's going to be losing two kids today. Still, it's going to be fun fighting you, Subaku. Rumor has it you're an even bigger monster than I was as a kid."

Gaara says nothing, but the muscle in his neck jumps. I try to rest a hand on his shoulder. He jerks away from me. "You are fool to think that you know anything of monsters, but you will. You are going to _die_ ," he hisses at Zabuza.

"So how about it, Gaara of the Bloody Sands? It's refreshing to see someone like me when I was that age. I killed my entire graduating class. On the Mizukage's orders. And your sister was following me on your Daddy's orders when I caught her. Brat seemed surprised and begged for me not to hurt her baby brother when I slit her throat—not even dying like a true shinobi. Shinobi are monsters; they thrive on death. They aren't subject to any corrupt government led by the best killers of them all. They make their own rules," Zabuza caws again as he finishes his monologue.

Many people trying to kill me seem to be fond of monologues. Perhaps this is further proof that Zabuza is in contact with Orochimaru. Well, at least while he was pontificating, I had time to find Temari's chakra that felt of earth-remaining-steady-in-the-wind, though doing so at such a distance diminishes my own chakra reserves. Her signature remains constant, meaning she is not dead. This is fortunate—and not only because Gaara becomes aggressively belligerent when angry. I rather like Temari. She smells like cinnamon and butterscotch.

Gaara's eyes widen and he begins to breathe harder. I sigh. I had thought we had been making so much process. "Gaara," I call, "Gaara, I can still feel the chakra from the squad Mr. Kazekage-sama sent after us. Some of them are gone, but Temara's signature is still steady. Please don't become an enormous sand-monster."

Gaara does not appear to hear me and proceeds to become a giant sand-monster.

Gaara and a wave of sand rise up across the dunes. I stare as it begins to get bigger. And bigger. And even bigger. Soon it is bigger than a Blibbering Humdinger, making the earth split and rise above itself. The sand-wave expands even more, becoming currents in the air around us, as I am caught up in it. I cannot see and blowing a fireball will just make the visibility worse. Soon, I cannot see Haku or Zabuza or even Gaara. The overwhelming chakra in the air keeps from sensing anything either.

Then, a large hand grabs me from above and a needle pricks my neck. I try to strike out, but my chakra is gone from finding Temari and my body has begun to feel sluggish. "I'm very sorry about this, Sasuke-san," Haku says from somewhere near Zabuza's side, "Your friend's sister is only injured, but we needed to distract Gaara-san to capture you."

My only response is to cough up dust on Zabuza's hand. He tenses and drops me as I begin to cough some more. The sand around us still swirls but the visibility has increased slightly.

"Though I can't promise the same about your friend," I hear Zabuza drawl, "he is in such a blood-lust he's chasing our water-clones and not us. I wonder if even a demon can survive getting his claw on a clone covered with 1000 exploding tags. Hell, I love it when the enemy is so stupid they kill themselves."

Gaara; he's in danger! I try to speak. I need to distract my opponents and escape so that I can stop Gaara, but with my tongue loose and liquid all that comes out is,

"EwwwurrrahorahlehpawsonandImgladuwhavenoabra." It is perhaps the cruelest thing I have ever said.

Zabuza cocks his head. "What?" he says almost curiously, "I guess you had a point when you said we shouldn't have bought the knock-off knock-out gas, Haku; I think this is the crap they give Hoshigakis at the dentist's so their hands don't get bitten off. Not that that works half the time; they end up going even more ape-shit. Hoshigakis are crazy bastards. Haku, translate."

Haku murmurs demurely, "I think Sasuke-san said that, 'You are a horrible person, and I am glad you have no eyebrows.' However, I may be wrong. The numbing agent we used makes it hard to determine what the drugged person is saying after all."

Zabuza twitches one eyebrow-less eye and snorts. I moan out again, " Gaaazztwalv. KllinchaldnmuksuwrzMizuko, mditmksuwak Notralninj." I spit at his feet. Perhaps this insult will work— though it is only the truth. Danzo taught me that the truth always hurts those hiding from it. If not, I can use one of jokes about men with large swords that Iruka-sensei's friend Anko told me. She says aggressively emasculating men usually makes them so angry they cannot think properly in a fight.

Zabuza pulls down his mask and turns a thin mouth into a mocking, pointed-tooth smile. "What did you say, little Uchiha? You're lucky Orochimaru is offering the better bounty and wants you alive than that agent that approached us from the Land of Fire. Haku, translate."

Haku hesitates before saying slowly, "Sasuke-san said, 'Gaara is twelve. Killing children makes you worse than the Mizukage, and it makes you weak. Not a real ninja.' … He could have said something different, Zabuza-san. There's no need to—"

Zabuza sets down his sword, kneels down, and grabs my shirt—what I've been waiting for—and I let my body slacken as if whatever they have drugged me with has taken full effect. Zabuza leans towards me and hisses, "You think you have the right to judge me. I'll break both your arms. You, a precious little peacetime Leaf brat, who has never been forced to kill—"

I lunge forward and sink my teeth into Zabuza's ear and wrap my arms clumsily around his body. Though I cannot move very well, I can still cling so when Zabuza gets up and starts cursing me and all the Uchiha family up to fourteen generations ago, it is easy to hang on … for three seconds before my fingers slip and Zabuza manages to throw me off. My teeth remain gripping Zabuza's ear firmly, however, as my body hurtles away from him. I land four feet away with part of his ear still in my teeth. I think I may have swallowed some of it. Oh, well, oh. Oh. This is not good, I suppose. I am too young to be a cannibal.

Then-Daddy would be so ashamed. Oh.

I don't think my body not being able to move has anything to do with the paralyzing agent coursing through my circulatory system right now. There is a silence in the sand-storm and, almost as if by magic, the sand around us falls to the ground as if shaking from the force of Zabuza's rage. I have heard then-Daddy tell of Nature taking form of the emotions and auras those around it were emitting, but I never believed this before now. I never meant to bite off his ear. Like a Jashinist. Poor, poor Zabuza. Too good for this earth, too pure.

"You little shit, what the actual fuck?" Zabuza curses for what seems like the third time today, " How are you still moving?! I gave you enough to knock out the Wind Daimyo's fattest concubine for a week." I ponder about how he knows how much numbing agent this would take for a second before I remember what I have just done.

This perhaps is the worst thing I have ever done. My karma is going to be tainted for the rest of eternity, I suppose. That is what happens to cannibals, even young ones. I gently spit out what is left of the offending piece of flesh into my hand and offer it to Zabuza. I try to annunciate as sincerely as my numbed tongue can allow me, "Immsssozoreym,"

"Sasuke-san says, 'I am so sorry.'," Haku chokes out as their eyes flicker from Zabuza to me to Zabuza again. They back away warily from the two of us.

Zabuza's face does a contortion I would not have thought possible. He begins to walk towards me. This cannot end well. Zabuza seems like the type to believe in the philosophy of "an eye for an eye, or, in this case, I suppose, an ear for an ear," and I am fond of my ears. I know I am not powerful enough to fight Zabuza for them. Even when I am not drugged.

But Zabuza does not make it to me. The remaining sand still twirling around us falls to the ground and we are surrounded. The Kazekage and twenty of his ninja-hitmen surround us, as well as an almost serious-looking Kakashi-sensei who holds a kunai to Haku's heart. I suppose this means I can keep my ears.

"Do you take me for an idiot, Momochi?" the Kazekage grinds out at Zabuza, "I had men waiting for you at the oasis as well. Now you are going to pay for attacking me on my own territory. This isn't like how it was on the islands of Kiri during the Fourth War."

Zabuza grins blearily as the blood trickles down the side of his head, "And how do you think you'll manage that, Sabaku? You don't have your old teammates to hide behind right now. Oh, how can I forget? I _killed_ them like I almost killed your bitch daughter and insane son just now."

My eyes flicker at the old men, making war that paper and ink had said ended ten years ago. But men are flesh and blood, not paper and ink. It is men that bled fighting these wars, I think of my family and their deaths and how I feel about that. The Kazekage is not me; I am not sure if he would be able to forgive. Some people would destroy others with their anger than let it fester and destroy themselves. I suppose there was a reason the Kazekage became so angry when I mentioned Zabuza's name earlier.

The Kazekage merely smirks and quirks his head. "Simple, I'll make you feel what I felt," he says. And then he sends a jet of golden sand Haku's lower torso.

Haku's mouth opens before they stiffen and fall away from a surprised Kakashi-sensei's now-limp grasp. Blood pools through their pale pink kimono and onto the sand. I scream but my tongue does not cooperate. Haku is too pure to bled. No.

The Kazekage's lips turn upwards into a not-smile. "Let my men restrain you, and I will offer medical services to your—" the Kazekage's lips twist "—protégée. If not, you will learn how I felt all too well. You can kill as many people as you want in revenge, but that doesn't keep loved ones from bleeding out before your eyes. Choose. My guess is you have five minutes. And if I recall correctly the Uchiha's report correctly, you already have an injury."

Zabuza roars in defiance, but he acts like a wild grindylow being forced into tanks for the masses to gawk at by cruel owners of magical emporiums: angrily uncooperative but accepting that in the end it will be forced every step of the way. His muscles tense as the Kazekage's men put the seals and restraints upon his wrists, but he does not resist. The whole time he looks towards Haku.

Once restrained, the men surrounding Zabuza lead him away, but no one makes a move to pick up Haku. Zabuza's eye bulge and he thrashes roughly. "You said you'd heal him, stop," he snarls.

The Kazekage justs laughs and turns away as he calls over his shoulder, "It was agreeable doing business with you, Hatake. That Sharigan of yours was actually able to subdue my son during one of his rampages. Send in the seals expert you mentioned to look at him and we'll give you all the intelligence on the offer the Otokage made us and ignore Danzo poaching on our territory. I'll let you clean up that mess any way you care to. Lady Chiyo will stay if the Uchiha needs treatment, though. The Uchiha actually makes Gaara stable, so I'll be expecting him to keep up their acquaintance. "

Then, with a swirl of wind, the Kazekage, all of his ninja-hitmen except one elderly woman, and Zabuza disappear. Kakashi-sensei keeps staring at Haku resignedly. He bends over Haku to look at their wounds and pulls out bandages sealed from a scroll on his hip; he sighs sadly, "Don't bother, Sasuke, there's nothing that we can do for your friend, but hi—er, their death may prevent a war." He still keeps trying to bandage where the bleeding is coming on Haku's torso though.

I ignore Kakashi-sensei and start crawling towards Haku. My drugged limbs are not being functional right now, and Haku keeps on bleeding. My arms collapse, and Haku coughs. No, no. Something in my snaps. No. No. My eyes burn as if I am about to cry and then I can see clearly. Everything looks clear and crisp and I can see Haku's blood throbbing out of his veins like crimson. No.

My friend has been stabbed to death with sand and I have just swallowed a man's ear. I will not lie helpless and cry. I begin to wiggle like a worm, steadily flopping my body towards Haku through the sand. If flobberworms and drunk mortals can move like this, so can I. Kakashi-sensei stills as he gawks at me, but I do not care. I keep on flopping. Now I can see the individual droplets of blood seeping through the bandages on Haku's chest. Haku will not die. I will not stop. Then, a wrinkled hand grabs my collar, stopping me.

"Brat, you look like dying shark trying to flop its way out of a pool of quicksand. Stop," a creaking voice commands me. "I'll heal your friend for two reasons. One: that literally is the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. Two: it will be a nice way to thumb my nose at Rasa. Brat's gotten uppity ever since he got the Kazekage hat. He even had the gall try to requisition my trout pond. Also, the Yuki brat is worth more as leverage against Zabuza alive than dead. Rasa is a fool to think the Demon of the Mist will break easy, even under torture."

The hand releases me and then I fall back into the sand. The woman, Lady Chiyo, that is, bends over Haku, carelessly tears off the bandages, and her hands glow green. My eyes capture every piece of skin as it reknits and then, then Haku's chest begins to expand normally. I can see every inhale and exhale of their breathing—what, what is happening to my eyes?—nevermind that, it is just probably a passing-by Wrackspurt. And anyways, I do very much want to hug Haku and make sure that they are quite okay. Being stabbed with sand must be a traumatic experience.

I begin to flop again and Lady Chiyo scowls down at me, "What did I tell you about flopping?—" I contemplate this and begin to roll up the dune to Haku "—that's not what I meant. Leaf brat, I'm giving you one more warning."

I would smile and nod before completely ignoring as I usually do when anyone gives me orders, but my coordination is impaired so I just continue rolling. "Rawlisnsflawwn," I explain to her. There is distinct difference between the two.

Haku raises their head at this and whispers, "I think Sasuke-san just said, 'Rolling is not flopping.' Forgive me, but could you tell me where Zabuza-san went? I need to find him now." They struggle to get up but stumble back down with a gasp into Kakashi-sensei's arms. I begin to roll and flop more urgently towards them.

A weathered hand moves to my forehead and glows green. Everything begins to blur as I begin to feel sleepy. "Kids these days," Lady Chiyo mutters, "can't expect these Leaf or Mist bastards to know how to raise them, can you?"

Kakashi-sensei hums in bland agreement. Darkness swirls around my head. I think knocking me unconscious just because I will not stop flopping on command is rather unfair, but I doubt that anyone will care— and then I feel my body collapse and Kakashi-sensei tossing over his shoulder before my mind goes gently blank.

When I awaken what feels like hours later, orange rays of the setting sun surround the adobe walls of the guest room I was assigned. Gaara is sitting by my side staring at me curiously. Kakashi-sensei leans on the wall slightly behind Gaara, his fingers playing with a kunai.

"Haku and Zabuza? How are they? Oh, and is Temari well?" I query. Gaara raises the place where his eyebrow should have been. He has no eyebrows too—like Zabuza. It seems to be uncommon, so perhaps they can bond over that, assuming Zabuza is not dead. I hope he is not dead. There would be no reason to kill him, but there was no reason for the Kazekage to leave Haku bleeding.

"Temari is healing. And, as for the others, they are fine," Gaara rasps. He stares at the floor. "Zabuza had been … interrogated, and they were going to Haku as well, but I stopped them. I talked to Zabuza and then my father, and in the end, Zabuza agreed to give over intelligence about the current Mizukage and what he knew of the Otokage. Now, he is going to serve a life-sentence in ANBU acting as a consultant on how best … deal with our forces in the Mist and help with the construction of aqueducts here. Water affinity is rare in Suna and much needed for agriculture and back-up water supply during drought to say the least. Zabuza is damaged from the interrogation so I doubt he'll ever be able to be in active combat act, but he can always advise us. He's in contact with some agents still there in Kiri. Terumi Mei, I think. Haku, though, was left untouched and is in Lady Chiyo's custody. We're friends now." Finishing with this, Gaara looks slightly surprised.

He continues, "My father said it would remain that way as long as I did not have another rampage. I hope this outcome pleases you. I think it will be most beneficial to everyone, especially since I didn't kill anyone and Father is happy about getting rid of those trade restrictions Kiri is imposing on us. You were right. Peaceful dialogue sometimes can help aid diplomatic relations."

"But interrogation and Zabuza not being able to fight again? How is that peaceful dialogue?" I ask, tilting my head, "how could a tickling genjutsu hurt Zabuza? They're mainly harmless. Except for the laughing until they surrender all their information."

Gaara starts to open his mouth, but Kakashi-sensei shakes his head, interrupting us with a shake of his head. "Maa, Sasuke, you never know about those tickling genjutsus. They can be pretty dangerous. Besides, Zabuza was left 'damaged,' as Gaara puts it, from an early onset of arthritis that made his left foot almost fall off—not the interrogation. He'll be fine. And your friend Haku is fine, too. Lady Chiyo is making him turn her trout pond into a skating rink."

"You aren't just saying that to make me feel better?" I eye Kakashi-sensei suspiciously.

Kakashi-sensei beams brightly and ruffles my hair.

"Would I ever? Zabuza is in the hospital with Lady Chiyo right now. A few days and he'll be as good as new. Now why don't you make Zabuza a Special Event Hat? A _big_ one with _lots_ of spots, like a dairy cow to match his arm warmers. You do owe him after all. We only managed to attach half of his ear, but Zabuza says he will forgive you in time. And, you should make one from Gaara too. Just for fun."

At this, Gaara's eyes widen and he smiles.

"How many spots is a lot of spots?" I respond, "I never know when there are too many spots. Oh, and I'll have to make one for Gaara as well, except with teddy bears and cacti."

Kakashi-sensei wraps his arm around my shoulder. "There can never be too many spots or teddy bears," he says solemnly.

…

Haku stares at the mirror in the hospital room and adjusts the fuchsia cow-print beanie that Zabuza did not want wear due to his ear apparently still bothering him. "Oh, Sasuke-kun," Haku breathes, "this is lovely. I'm sorry we ever tried to abduct you."

Zabuza glares at the hat on Haku's head and opens his mouth. He closes it. It takes a minute before he grinds out, "Haku, this boy insulted my eyebrows, _bit my ear off_ , got me caught and then tortured by Suna-nin, and then got me in this cluster-fuck where I have to work with Sabaku no Rasa, the man I hate third-most on this planet, to sabotage the Mizukage, the man I fucking hate the most, and you are saying _thank-you_?"

Haku blinks slowly and he offers a, "Yes. Besides, now I don't have to worry about you being hunted down by a missing-nin anymore, Zabuza-san, and Gaara-kun was telling me the retirement and health benefits for ANBU consultants are excellent. This way we can help Terumi and the resistance in Kiri in a safer, more sustainable way with the backing of another government. Two, if you count Leaf. Isn't that what we wanted in the first place? We're fortunate that the Kazekage hates the Mizukage more than he hates you because he's the one that ordered that ambush that killed his teammates, as well as backing a coup against the current Mizukage is beneficial in getting rid of those tariffs he hates levying taxes on all goods imported from Suna on Kiri waters. In actuality, we are quite lucky. "

"How do I even begin? I'm stuck here while the magma-breathing, ginger hell-bitch is leading _my_ coup. Mine!" Zabuza snarls in response.

Haku nods understandingly and says, "Yes, she'll probably become the next Mizukage, too, Zabuza-san, but who do you think will become Mizukage after her? Perhaps the prodigy of a once horrendously persecuted that happens to be the future Kazekage's best friend. Don't worry yourself Zabuza-san. Gaara-kun have been talking and found we have many similarities. We'll take care of it all."

I nod and smile reassuringly, showing all my teeth, and hand Zabuza a cup of green tea and wrap the cow-print blanket I knitted for him around his neck. He eyes me warily and his hand flickers to shield his good ear.

"Fucking Leaf, fucking Uchiha," he mutters, "gods help us all. Being crazy as Kaguya beserkers on crack is to be expected of Madara's spawn, but what the hell is wrong with you? Biting off a grown man's ear. Got to be something wrong with you. That move was pure Hoshigaki. "

I hesitate. I really do not like hurting people. I dislike having hurt Zabuza, and I will never stop feeling apologetic for having done so. I let my eyes flicker to the ceiling and fiddle with my bangs. "Perhaps if I learn how to heal, when—I mean if it happens again, I will be able to reattach it? And I mean, there are worse places that I could have bitten off, so it only makes sense for me to plan for learning how to fix that if it happens," I wonder out loud.

Seeing Zabuza's flat look, I suppose this is what someone means when they say a situation feels awkward. "I'm very terribly sorry, and if there is anything I can do to make it up to you," I offer as I smile broadly showing even more of my teeth. Sakura and Ino say that I have a nice smile, so surely Zabuza will think the same, won't he?

Zabuza looks at my mouth and then at my teeth, face scrunching up for a minute before relaxing as if he has solved some difficult jigsaw puzzle. "Playing with your prey, the going bat-shit with the drug we gave you, the _biting_. Makes sense that the Uchiha would breed with those shark fuckers," he mutters under his breathe. Then, he smirks.

"Has anyone ever asked why you're not grey when you definitely are part Hoshigaki?" Zabuza asks very slyly.

Haku looks mortified as if this is some kind of grave insult. "Oh my gods, Zabuza-san," he hisses, "you can't just ask someone why they're grey."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: To be honest, I was going to kill Zabuza off tragically, because Luna/Sasuke is a character that in actuality most likely would end up getting broken and broken hard by the realities of the Naruto-verse. But I couldn't do that to Lunasuke or Haku. Hopefully, this doesn't cause to many plot holes? On the bright side, this means that there can be possible side stories about Haku and Gaara's excellent adventures with the long-suffering Zabuza.
> 
> Basically, in summary of what was happening behind-the-scenes in this chapter, my head-canon of what is going on here is that Sand and Leaf are now cooperating to share intelligence on Orochimaru and subsequently be on-guard of him trying to screw them both over (because honestly, who'd be silly enough to trust that face?) and also take advantage of the situation in Kiri. Why would ninjas attack each other when there is somewhere that weaker and disorganized having a civil war next-door?
> 
> Also, in the interest of shameless self-promotion, I've posted a crack-fic with female Gaara and Sasuke getting it on my ao3 account if anyone's interested in checking it out.


	13. puberty hits 'em like a hogwarts express full of bricks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lunasuke, meet puberty. Kakashi, meet early retirement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto and Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me, no profit involved. Next chapter should be in two to three weeks.

"We'll see each other again," I say sadly, "I believe that." And with that, I press my lips upon Zabuza Mr. Demon-of-the-Mist's forehead. His eyes snap open and he instinctively shields the place where his ear used to be as he shoves me away. My greatest shame.

But earless, Zabuza still has a rugged appeal that gives my stomach butterflies whenever I look at him. I feel like I do when I skipping weightless and naked under the influence of Naruto's jutsu. I wish that I could have this moment alone with Zabuza instead of Haku insisting I say goodbye while Zabuza was asleep and with my team and Gaara present "in case you need back-up or someone to restrain Zabuza-san when you enrage him."

"You minnow-riddled, Hoshigaki-Uchhiha hybrid begot from a rank donkey's scrotum," Zabuza grinds out, "Please tell me this the part when you leave. There have to be some gods You, boy, should no better than try to lobotomize a man with your teeth while he is sleeping. If only I could kill you."

"Actually I was begot from my this-Father and this-Mother's coupling and not a donkey's, looking at it from a biologically standpoint," I respond thoughtfully "Though I will have to investigate your claims about being related distantly to the Hoshigaki clan. Genma and Anko always did say that Mist-nin had intercourse with aquatic fauna which caused the problems with insanity and inbreeding found in Kiri. Was that common in your family as well?"

Kakashi-sensei and Naruto chose this moment to rather indelicately snort, Haku and Sakura wince rather delicately, and Gaara rather promptly catches Zabuza as he lunges towards me cursing.

I blink sadly. Apparently, Zabuza still does not forgive me even after my repeated attempts to make it up to him. Well, I suppose forgiveness is like Naruto's naked jutsu in that everyone reacts differently to it.

Haku puts their hand on my shoulder and shakes their head reproachfully, "Zabuza-san, please remember the breathing exercises the counselors suggested you try before you speak. If we wish to get anywhere in our current circumstances, we must be tactful."

Zabuza's facial expression indicates that he does not know what that is. Haku sighs regretfully and walks toward me to embrace me, murmuring in my ear, "Sasuke-kun, you're going home now, but you must promise me to be very careful. The man from the Land of Fire who hired us to abduct you is very powerful, as is Orochimaru. There are also rumors about what really happened that night your family died—" Haku pauses "—With the chunin exams coming up in your village, there is going to be much confusion—a lot of people coming and going. Do you understand me?"

I nod distractedly and turn towards Gaara. He is wearing both beanies I made him: the cacti-and-teddy-bear one as well as the one that looks like an actual teddy bear on top of his head. Gaara, with his red hair like Donald Wheeze-easily, oh how I shall miss him. I start galloping towards him with my arms spread wide. Gaara's arms begin to rise as well…oh, this is going to be the best hug in the entire history of hugs and friendship. I wish Gai-sensei was here to see it.

Then, Gaara shoves a giant gourd into my arms. He looks at my face and then scuffs the ground with his foot. "It's something to remember us by," he says in his flat monotone as he glares at the ground.

I tilt shake the gourd and hear an unmistakable sound. "Oh, _sand_. You got me _sand_ , Gaara? You shouldn't have. Do you know how useful this will be for my glass-making. I can manipulate fire jutsu to make it give birth to creations that echo the essence of the elements like miniature bursts of stars in the atmosphere…" I break off as I stare into the air, thinking of the possibilities. "You really are an amazing and true friend, Gaara."

Gaara frowns for a second before patting me on the head and muttering, "You always say the strangest things, Uchiha Sasuke, but… I, I would also call you a friend."

We stare at each other. Gaara does not move his hand from my head.

Kakashi-sensei coughs loudly and then a pink blur moves in between Gaara and me. "Do you think I don't see you trying to seduce Sasuke-kun in front of me?" Sakura asks in a dangerously polite tone, one hand reaching the pouch where she keeps her Exploding Tags, "Not on my watch, not on my watch. Sasuke-kun's too innocent and pure to understand to romance or anything like a normal person does right now, so why don't we keep this civil and you back up a little?"

Gaara blinks and folds his arms. This means Gaara is either mildly impressed or about to become annoyed, something I know by now to be a bad thing. And sometimes I think Sakura can be a little terrifying when she thinks she is protecting me—honestly, I know more about the mating rituals of different species than she does, and what Gaara and I have is most definitely not a mating ritual—and Sakura does like her explosives. I divert this negative energy before it has the chance to blossom to fruition.

"Don't worry, Sakura," I say in my best peace-making voice, "I don't think I like people in our age group. With being reincarnated, you know, that is a little awkward since I am a good ten years older than you in experience, though the natural development of my frontal lobe in my this-body and general trauma-induced amnesia has delayed that greatly, I suppose. I have only recently been able to comprehend things I once found easy to think—" I pause and remind myself to return the scrolls on neural anatomy and development that Lady Chiyo had lent me "—never mind that, with puberty and hormone beginning to affect my this-body, what I am saying is I think I find wise, older people attractive. Like Zabuza and Kakashi-sensei, for an example. Zabuza is very distinguished, and I appreciate looking at him Very much so. Not that anything that would happen anyways since we don't have compatible personalities, oh, and chakra-auras, as well." I sigh sadly. "Also, anti-fraternization regulations with other villages. There's always those."

Zabuza makes a strangled sound and edges away from me. Kakashi-sensei adopts the "1000-yard stare expression" Muggle soldiers were described as having in my before-life.

"Well, okaaay," Naruto says, squinting his eyes suspiciously at Kakashi-sensei and Zabuza, "with that, we're going to go."

Sakura nods empathetically. Kakashi-sensei keeps staring off into the distance. I think I may have broken him.

Broken Kakashi-sensei or not, the trip back from Suna is quicker than trip to it, and Kakashi-sensei seems tense and hurried when he speaks to me—that is when he isn't studiously avoiding eye contact. Finally when he does approach me, his face is grim like he is a man walking to be drowned in a pit of flesh-eating Dadderblimps.

"Sasuke," Kakashi-sensei says, "I know that this point in your life is very strange and, umm, and full of hormones. But, as your teacher and commanding officer, you cannot be feeling these new feelings for me. It isn't, errr, appropriate."

I look at him curiously. What ever does he mean by that? Kakashi-sensei is the father figure to me. Just like Gai-sensei. What's innapropriate about that?

Kakashi-sensei pauses and looks like he is considering all the events that have led him to this point in his life. "You must be confused. You cannot be physically attracted to me. I am your teacher," he says flatly. He states this as if it is a fact like the Sun always rises—which it sometimes does not in some cases if the family records that tell tale of blood-red moons and eyes are to be believed,

"Oh Kakashi-sensei, I was just using you as an example as an older person who someone for whatever could possibly, maybe find not unattractive. I would never find you attractive. Ever. And supposing from the grey color of your hair, you must be a bit too wise for me. Also, you're dating Gai-sensei, " I explain simply. Kakashi-sensei looks immensely relieved and then slightly disturbed as muscles move into many different positions under his mask.

"Well, I suppose now that that's out of the way, I should ask you about your Sharingan," he asks. "You may not have realized it, but you activated it. Lady Chiyo is as blind as a bat so she didn't see it, but I did. We need to keep it that way. If Danzo being twitchy, if he knows, it would be bad. He's already suspicious of you being able to control the Nine-tails from the time in the woods with Orochimaru. I'm sure your father explained things to you about the Sharingan worked. Do you understand?"

I nod and then shake my head. "This-Father only said once I had Sharingan, I would be a man and only then worthy of knowing how to use it. I always thought he was using that as a metaphor for my first erection. Can you explain about it? Actually could you explain about both? This-Father didn't explain about either very well, and the Academy unit didn't cover the emotional and spiritual aspects as I would have liked, you know."

Kakashi-sensei stares at me for a second and says simply, "This, I don't get paid for this. I'll teach you about the Sharingan when we get back. Also, Gai and I aren't dating. No, just, no." Then, he flickers away. He seems to be quite good at that when I ask certain questions.

I suppose I can always ask Iruka-sensei or dig up those musty records about Sharingan from that dusty room full of ghostly memories below my family shrine. I had only read to the part where it told me to kill my best friend and blood and murder before I realized it was a Jashinist conspiracy. Or something planted by Danzo to confuse me. No matter, it doesn't matter what the scrolls come from or who made them; I cannot by violent and kill. I will not. I have been fortunate so far, but hearing Gaara's and Haku's stories, that is because I am a citizen of Konoha, one of the more moderate hidden villages, during peacetime. If I was born with a father like Gaara's, if I was born in Kiri…and apparently Danzo thinks I am capable of releasing the Nine-tails like what happened all those years ago…

However, if Danzo ,the Maker of Conspiracies, thinks I am making a conspiracy myself, I should discover more about the Sharingan and how it work. Also, I need to learn about the Kyuubi and whatever Gaara has inside of him as well. Whatever the giant chakra-monsters are, they are very powerful. If Orochimaru is after Naruto and Gaara because of it, I need to be able to protect them. At the very least, I will find some interesting jutsu. Perhaps I can ask Kakashi-sensei to teach me that lightning attack that chirps like birds in the springtime?

And perhaps I can learn how to heal like the scrolls Lady Chiyo have lent me described? That would be useful. To create life instead of end it: it is a responsibility—to extend life is only to allow someone to die later, especially in a world such as this. No one lives forever But I cannot watch someone bleed out like I almost did with Haku. Killing seems easy in the physical sense, and in the Academy, I was good at most of the physical things leading up to the actual pointing the practice kunai at my sparring partner's throat. But mentally, killing, even the imagined act we parroted in sparring under Iruka-sensei's watchful eyes, I cannot grasp it.

I frown and my eyes flicker to Naruto and Sakura squabbling in front of me. Are they not thinking about what is going to happen in Kiri or with Orochimaru like I am? Why am I not like them? The times I do not feel the world is wrong I feel like I am wrong. My this-body is wrong, but I am still me. I will make sure Sakura and Naruto keep squabbling like they always do for as long as possible. I do not want them to feel wrong like me.

Perhaps these new feelings are part of the angst then-Daddy told me is rumored to sometimes cone with puberty. I will simply have to stop doing it then. And perhaps adopt a herd of ninja-summons like Kakashi-sensei to keep me company when I do not feel like conversing with anyone other than myself. Yes, that will be nice.

When Sakura stops squabbling long enough to look back to me with worried eyes, I smile and twirl around in a circle. She laughs as if this normal occurrence—in her defense, it is something I frequently do when I feel happy and the moment feels right— and returns to squabbling. Naruto calls for me to join them. I do and soon we have returned to Konoha and have debriefed Mr. Hokage-sama after taking a night to recover.

Mr. Hokage-sama sighs as we are leaving, wrinkles edging deeply in his face. I have always thought he looked elderly but I wonder why I never thought he always looked so tired before now. He motions for Kakashi-sensei to stay behind.

I think they are plotting something and I dislike not knowing what it is.

…

"Ne, Bastard, Sakura-chan, let's get some ramen! I bet that jerk Kiba will be there and I can't wait to see the look on his face when I tell him we completed an S-rank!" Naruto crows, slinging his arms around the both of us.

"A _technical_ S-rank. We didn't see that much action," Sakura reminds him, "Anyways, it being S-rank means we technically are not disclose the details of any of it. Now, we're going to spar."

"But Sakura-chaaaaan," Naruto whines loudly, "rameeen. Nooowww."

Sakura lifts an eyebrow and taps her foot and jerks her head towards me.

"With Sasuke-kun looking the way he does even when being hit by puberty like a bricks-filled Hogwarts Express or whatever it is he's always talking about, we're going to have to step our game, Naruto," Sakura hisses as fierce a pink demon-possessed python from the deepest depths of the Amazon then-Daddy showed me once before exorcising the poor creature.

The Inner must be coming out. I have only heard half-horrified whispers of this thing inside of Sakura from Ino in the darks of night. This will be an interesting experience to observe the Inner in her natural habitat.

Sakura pauses, eyes staring off into the distance at enemies unseen before she continues, "It's not just fan-girls from the Academy now. You heard what Sasuke-kun said in Suna. Sasuke-kun thinks that he likes older men. Older men who will take advantage of him. Sasuke-kun's _chastity_ is one the line. His _chastity_ , Naruto. Does that mean nothing to you?"

This seems to derail Naruto's line of thought as he glares squinty-eyed at me. "You're right," Naruto mutters, "It's not natural. Bastard just keeps prettier and prettier every day. He doesn't even have pimples. I have pimples; even _you_ have pimples, Sakura-chan. Like that one right in the middle of your forehead."

And thus begins their impromptu sparring session. Even now Sakura's forehead is a rather sensitive topic. As Sakura begins to chase Naruto around the training field with a barrage of Exploding Dung Tags, I take the opportunity to sit down under a tree and pull out one of the dusty scrolls in the basement I found about healing minor bruises. I feel like poor Naruto will soon need it.

Two hours, Sakura is lifting her opponent by his shirt into the air as she lectures sweetly, "And that is why you never comment on how a kunoichi looks like, Naruto. If angered, a kunoichi can make it so the only thing you can comment on his how well she can fight, that is if you are still alive to comment on anything."

Neither of them seem to notice as Kakashi-sensei—oh, and there is Gai-sensei and three genin who are his students, I suppose. One of them looks like Gai-sensei in miniature!—emerge from the forest. Kakashi-sensei seems to be amused at the unknown genins' alarm at Sakura to be threatening Naruto's life. After a minure passes, he simply clears his throat.

Startled, Sakura eyes at Kakashi-sensei in vaguely guilty fashion, gently setting a battered Naruto to the ground while at the same time trying to hide him behind her back. She flushes prettily.

Kakashi-sensei is about to open his mouth before the miniature Gai-sensei blurs forward and goes down on one knee before Sakura. "What is your name, o' beautiful rose petal of rage and terror?" he exclaims, "Please be my love and sparring partner for the rest of our lives and I will protect you with the best of my ability, my sweet maiden!" The miniature Gai-sensei then beams and blows a kiss towards Sakura, sending a genjutsu-based storm of miniature hearts careening towards Sakura's face.

Sakura's eyes widen in horror as she is caught in the genjutsu, hearts spiraling around her like a tornado, and looks to Gai-sensei and his other students for help. The unknown genin that is a boy tosses his hair—oh, his hair is as lovely as Haku's—and carefully examines his fingernails with blank-pupiled eyes. The genin who is a two-bunned girl looks torn somewhere in between exasperation and laughter, laughter winning as she bites her lip to bite back choked giggles.

Teary-eyed Gai-sensei just clasps his hands to his chest and says, "Oh Lee, so young, so in love. Takes you back to when we were kids, eh, Kakashi?" Kakashi-sensei is firmly withdrawn into his book right now and does not comment. I always did think they were dating. Oh Kakashi-sensei, oh Gai-sensei. I hope they'll let me be the flower girl at their wedding.

Realizing help is not forthcoming, Sakura's face turns a funny shade of puce. She dispels the genjutsu with a snarl and stalks to Lee. She raises her fist to thwack him but puts it down, closes her eyes, and says, "I am no one's sweet maiden, least of all yours. My name is Haruno Sakura—remember that—and no, I will not be your girlfriend and sparring partner for life. I have a greater mission in life: to protect Sasuke-kun's chastity and to become the first female Hokage before Ino-pig does."

At this, Naruto raises head and splutters, "But I'm going to become the first female Hokage! It still counts even if it's my Oiroke no Jutsu, and guessing from all the porn Kakashi-sensei reads, it will make my approval ratings go up with men in the 20-45 age group!"

Sakura tosses her hair imperiously at the lot of us. Lee's already round eyes go even rounder and he falls down to both knees. "Beautiful and pink Sakura tree on a deadly winter's night," he breathes reverently, "Forgive my grievous insult. Please allow me to worship you as my eternal muse. I will aid you forever your quest to preserve this Sasuke's chastity and becoming the first female Hokage."

Sakura tilts her head consideringly before nodding. "I suppose that is acceptable," she acknowledges, "but in the future, never propose lifelong girlfriend-hood to a girl you just met, understand? And, Naruto, do not speak about pornography in front of people you just met. "

Lee nods obediently, eyes still somehow shooting out hearts. Naruto merely squints at Sakura and lets out an impressive display of flatulence to show what he thinks of that command. Sakura starts towards him.

The bun-headed girl finally breaks down into hysterical giggles. When she finally manages stop, she snorts, "You owe me 500 ryo, Neji, we actually have found a team stranger than ours. And you said such a thing was not possible."

The Neji-boy does not deign to look at the brawling mass of Sakura, Lee, and Sakura. He merely sniffs disinterestedly, "Heavens help us all."

Kakashi-sensei decides it is now time to intervene. "Maa, maa, Naruto, Sakura, no beating each other to death in front of your new jounin-sensei and teammates. That sort of thing should wait until at least three days in. And the six of you genin will be having so much bonding time already with Gai getting ready for the chunin exams."

Sakura and Naruto ignore him as Naruto throws Sakura into the pond when she bites down on his inner ankle. Lee then promptly tackles him for "laying a hand on his Valkyrie of victory."

I dodge a piece of resulting shrapnel and look back down to my scroll. "Temporary jounin-sensei, Kakashi-sensei? What do you mean by that? Where will be you be?"

Kakashi-sensei shifts and beings to answer, but Gai-sensei grins broadly and cuts in, "My rival Kakashi is hip enough to get himself a short-term diplomatic post with your friends in Suna, my young apprentice. Something about helping build bridges and camaraderie between the two villages with some clerical work and cooperation … Wait, Lee, your fighting spirit is commendable, but remember what I told you about the weights! Lee!"

Gai-sensei gives us a thumbs-up over his shoulder as he dashes off to the crater where Lee and Naruto are grappling. I wave sadly after him. Such wisdom cannot be contained in one place for too long.

I look Kakashi-sensei up and down. "You aren't dressed for a trip to the desert," I observe idly, "You'd need more water canteens and clothes better suited to the elements than that."

At this, the Neji-boy standing beside me perks up slightly. "The Uchiha is right," Neji observes, "With the oilskin and water-resistant clothing you are wearing one could almost expect you're head towards Kiri, but that couldn't be right…."

"Oh Kiri?" I wonder out aloud. One of the islands in Kiri produces pearl engagement rings even shinier than Gai-sensei's teeth. They are going to get engaged! I knew it. I elbow the Neji-boy harshly. He cannot ruin the surprise. I smile at Kakashi-sensei. "Don't worry, Kakashi-sensei, your trip to 'Suna' is perfectly safe with Neji and me, isn't it, Neji?"

Neji begins to draw himself up to his full height, but I whisper to him and the bun-headed Tenten beside him, "Don't ruin the surprise, please. Don't you know what is going on? Kiri is where you get engagement rings. _Pearl_ ones, in fact."

Tenten shakes her head blankly. Neji scoffs disdainfully, "I fail to what that has to do with anything."

"Really this has to do with everything," I inform him, "Or do you not know who Kakashi-sensei is? Well, I'll introduce you. Neji, this is my Kakashi-sensei, Gai-sensei's sex friend. Soon-to-be fiancé, but that's the secret of why he's going to Kiri, don't you see?"

"Wait, that isn't what I sa—" Kakashi-sensei protests weakly.

Neji's eyes widen slightly and he nods as if he as finally seen the light. "Oh," Tenten ponders, "their relationship finally makes sense. I wonder why I've never seen it before."

In the distance, Gai-sensei has managed to separate a biting Sakura, scratching Naruto, and kicking Lee.

"Alright, Kakashi, by the time you're back, I'll have all our delinquents whipped into shape by the time you're back from Suna," Gai-sensei yells to us. He pauses for a moment and tears up. "They grow up so fast these days. Hurry back or you may miss all their youth before you know it."

Perhaps I am wrong. It seems as if Kakashi-sensei and Gai-senei are already married.


	14. pudding coups and cups and other freudian slips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luna finally displays the Uchiha family trait of going 0 to "coup!/revolution!/insert-word-choice-here!" in 2.0 seconds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto and Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me, no profit involved. Next chapter should be in two to three weeks. Warnings for plot gestation, some of Neji's pre-chunin exams views of the Main Family and Hinata, and mentions of Main Family fuckery towards the Branch Family.

Then-Daddy used to tell me of maladies that left a person with aching migraines and double vision which the Ministry had administered in the olden days to keep dissent to a minimum. Looking at Gai-sensei and Lee simultaneously sobbing into each other's arms and beaming with glistening teeth after a week-long survival-and-taijutsu-and-teamwork exercise, I wonder perhaps if the Ministry has infiltrated my this-life too. I am too exhausted to dissent and my eyes are blurring. But I cannot credit the Ministry with coming up with something as beauteous as Gai-sensei. Or Lee, Gai-sensei in miniature that he is.

That does not make my chakra-aura feel any less muddy and fading though. However brilliant Gai-sensei's training methods are, they still are very brutal. I am improving faster than whenever Kakashi-sensei taught me though so I will have to tell him to emulate Gai-sensei in every way.

And also tell him to be more punctual and to take more care avoiding large felines. He is two weeks later than he was supposed to be, and the chunin exams are next week. His last latter had told us he had been delayed because of an attempted mauling by a red-furred cougar.

"Alright, my young goslings about to grow into swans," Gai-sensei asks us after taking a moment to compose himself, "I know life offers you opportunities to to learn and unfurl your newly green leaves each and every day from sun-up to sun-down, but what has this training session taught you today? Give me details!"

Sakura, blue bruises blossoming prettily like irises where she accidentally thwacked herself in the face as she was screaming in unstoppable rage, glances at Gai-sensei under wary lashes and offers half-heartedly, "Never thwack your teammate when they're trying to give you hand-up from the cliff you're falling from when they accidentally 'grope' you. You may end up thwacking yourself instead and falling—" Sakura perks up as if an epiphany has occurred to her—"Wait, until you're on solid ground to thwack."

Gai-sensei nods approvingly and gives her a thumbs-up. "That's my girl!" Gai-sensei declares, "As practical as always, Sakura! Now, who's next?"

"Always keep trying and never doubt! Eventually your Sakura blossom of poison and revenge will stop trying to throttle you and accept your apologies!" cries a mud-covered Lee, breaking down into tears once more. Sakura shoots him a squinty-eyed jade glare that promises retribution. I notice that she is most definitely on solid ground now.

A still-smoking Tenten grimaces and then stands in front of Lee protectively. "Never doubt that you won't throw a sneak attack even when we hanging off the edge of the cliff you made us climb up without any ropes, Gai-sensei? Or never doubt that you can trust your own teammates not to beat each other to death when they're about to fall to their deaths?" she pipes in. How Tenten can remain so calm after being almost set on fire in the aftermath inspires me. She probably has the most inner calm out of all the child soldiers I have encountered in my this-life, even Haku.

Gai-sensei looks to a gasping, limping Naruto. Naruto lifts his head and moans, "I've learned that even if I can make enough Shadow Clones to make a tower to the top of the cliff, it won't work? Don't know why though!"

Neji, who naturally just looks more or less the same as when we set out on the training exercise, snorts and flicks his hair. His mane is truly magnificent. I must ask him what product he uses so I can get some for Sakura's next birthday. And to buy some for myself. For some reason, mine keeps on standing up at the back. Neji sneers at Naruto, "I'm trying to think of the nicest way to tell you're an imbecile without saying you're an imbecile. You do know that trying to move and climb up a tower when you're the one at the bottom of the tower isn't productive, don't you, or are you not aware of the presence of gravity? Wait, I think that may be presuming too much."

At this, Naruto stiffens and growls, "I don't know what your problem is, pretty-boy, but you need to back the hell off all our backs. You've been sulkn' and snarkn' at everyone the last week. I'm sick of it."

Neji just scoffs and turns away with a swish of caramel hair. Gai-sensei shakes his head sadly and puts a hand on Naruto's shoulder. "Sometimes it is best to let the lone wolf wander away to lick his wounds. Neji's youth has been harder than it should be."

"Do you know what is bothering him, in particular that is? He keeps on looking up at the all birds flying away in the sky, more so today than he has all week," I query, looking to Tenten. Out of Gai-sensei's students she seems like she is the closest to Neji, if only because it seems like Neji is always trying his hardest to ignore Lee's presence. I don't see why he tries though; Lee is so green and wise to ignore him is an impossibility—like thinking Nargles do not exist.

Tenten shrugs and lowers her eyes, murmuring softly, "I wonder about it because Neji is always like this, but h—he likes to keep his personal life private. I wish it were different."

"Wondering only makes more wondering and wishing," I chide Tenten, eyes flickering to where Neji had left, "If you want to wish, wonder for what you will do—not what you wish for. Goodbye, everyone. Oh, and Gai-sensei, I'll never give up. That's all."

At this, Tenten's brows furrow and she glances to Gai-sensei. I smile at her approvingly before sauntering off in the direction Neji left. As I leave, I hear Gai-sensei say to Naruto and Sakura, "Now, now, Sasuke, like Neji, has his own path to walk, my eager pupils, but maybe together they can find their way. While we're waiting, why don't we practice some traps-building and stealth exercises for you Naruto and some sparring with chakra wire for you, Sakura. I want you two in tip-top shape when my rival gets back from his mission next week."

The path Neji seems to be walking, as Gai-sensei called it, is rather hard to find, however. His chakra-aura is elusive and fading—not something inscribed tightly in Fate's stone like others I have felt. When I finally find him, he is at the base of one of the large redwood firs on the outskirts of the Nara compound, sitting with his hands in his face.

"How are you?" I call in greeting. Neji does not respond. This will perhaps take some more effort than originally thought. Maybe it is that he's distressed by an encounter with an Ancromantula? The Forbidden Forest in my before-life was infested with them and they always gave tender souls like ginger-haired Walpole Realzies a fright.

"Have you been upset an Acromantula? Or perhaps an angry centaur? My then-Daddy told me they can be very nasty when irate. One time they tried to bludgeon then-Mummy with a pinecone when she inquired about their traditional mating dances," I continue lightly.

"Can you stop blabbering nonsense for once? I cannot believe they let someone like you a shinobi. You're worse than Gai-sensei, and it's not like you're going to get less deranged as time passes," Neji finally responds, pale eyes hitting me like daggers from the curtain of hair covering his face. Definitely an Acromantula then. Or perhaps the feral Ford Anglia. That is a truly terrifying specimen.

I quirk my head slightly. "Very well then," I agree, "we can sit in awkward silence. The birdsongs here are quite nice to listen to. Oh, and I brought pudding."

And so we both silently sit against the tree, me staring at the sky and Neji poking suspiciously at his pudding. The climate here is just as wet as the one in my before-life, though more temperate, so just taking the moment to enjoy the tropical flora and fauna surrounding us is divine. I am able to identify a variety of ring-necked parakeet chirping above our heads in the green canopy before the rain that has been promising for the last week begins to trickle down. I sigh.

"Do you know that the rain always makes me sad?" I ask Neji gently, "In my before-life, the Muggles used to say when it was raining the gods were weeping for the death of something innocent, but that cannot be true. If the gods wept for the death of every innocent, then they'd never stop weeping, or there'd have to be something innocent on this earth in the first place. Rain is just rain and I can do nothing to change that, I know, but it still makes me sad. For this, you've seemed like I do when it rains. Why?"

"It is the clan head's firstborn's birthday," Neji says absently looking at the ring-necked parakeet as it flutters above us and looks for a way out of the rain, "as her cousin, I am supposed to be at the celebrations … I suppose I'll be punished for not showing up." With a scornful snort, he does not expound any more.

"Oh, your cousin is Hinata, isn't she?" I ask, "She was in my graduating class at the Academy, but she's very kind. I'm sure she would understand if you miss a few hours of her party. To be honest, she is also very shy, so I doubt she wants to be at her party either."

At this, Neji stiffens and tightens his fingers around his pudding cup. "Kind—that's the first time I've ever heard that word associated with a Main House member. And shy? Perhaps weak is a more apt descriptor for Hinata. She is fated to be weak and that will never change."

"Everything changes," I respond as I tilt my head to better see Neji, "whether you like or not, everything changes as time passes for time is always passing. And what do you care if Hinata is weak? Do you think she is weak because she is not as good at fighting as you are? So are Tenten and Sakura and me it seems, yet you don't snort at us and tell us we are weak. Why do you dislike Hinata? She is sweet and kind."

Neji brings his fingers to his forehead and undoes his head-band, bearing a strange X-shaped marking. "Kind, you think that brat is kind and she shouldn't be ashamed for weak?" he hisses at me almost hysterically, "She, she is—was the heiress of the gods-damned Main Family. I was branded like a cattle so I'd be enslaved and forced to serve that bitch. My father was killed on the Main Family's orders; my mother 'accidentally' stumbled off a cliff when she found that she was pregnant with another child doomed to a Branch member. Do you know what the elders told me afterwards? She displayed the mental weakness and inability to face her station that made her a Branch family member in the first place. Tell me, do you still think Hinata—who will become the next generation of that—is kind?"

Somewhere in this monologue Neji began stuffing his face with pudding and then finished it rather quickly. I suppose pudding is comforting for all things , and Neji undoubtedly needs comfort. And some more pudding.

"I would not call that kind. Would you like some more pudding?" I agree placidly. I'm not sure how else to respond what he has said. I'd like to say that it cannot be true, that Mr. Hokage-sama would never allow the enslavement of his own people but then I remember: Haku being persecuted and chased by his own father, Gaara being turned into a weapon and not a child, Brother being condemned and chased out of Konoha without even a trial. What makes Konoha any different than Suna or Kiri?

Neji stares at me for a second before snatching the proffered pudding and shoving it down his throat. Before this, I had never known there was such a thing as angry eating, but somehow Neji manages it.

"And do you know what makes it, dare I say, funny?" snarls Neji, mouth half-full of chocolate pudding, "Sometimes I wish that Fate could be different, that I could have been born into the Main Family and Hinata been the one Sealed. I'd be strong enough the fight what is wrong with my family. I'd fix it. But Fate laughs in my face. Hinata is born my superior and she is so weak. Do you think she would do anything to change things other than stutter at the ground, blush, or faint? She will do nothing other than uphold the laws of the Hyuga as they have always been. So Fate ever consigns change not to happen and I am forced to celebrate the day I was Sealed—the day I was made a slave—every gods-damned year on Hinata's birthday. There's no use in fighting Fate when Fate always wins."

Neji finishes his second pudding cup and crushes it definitively before snatching another from me.

The only appropriate response I have to this are the words of Zabuza when he heard about Gaara's childhood. "That's some fucked-up shit," he had called it. Except I cannot say that out-loud because I feel like Neji would only interpret it as pity. Or not appreciate the obscenity. I stare at Neji for a few longs. This is just like the enslavement of house elves by the entire Wizarding community from my before-life. Neji is, Neji is like Do—Doppy the House Elf, longing to be free but so oppressed even by the oppression he has internalized subconsciously he cannot fathom freedom even though he fights for it.

I hesitate for a second before raising my finger to Neji's forehead. He tenses and clutches his pudding protectively to his chest before jerking away. "I know that you will not believe me, perhaps you will not even care. But this, this—" I break off as I stare at the seal on his forehead, "—that is not your shame. It's everyone else's. The people that did this to you, the people that let it happen. I'd go on, but the Wrackspurts must be very plentiful because of the rain. It is wrong, and I am going to fix it. As soon as possible. Do you think that writing to Mr. Hokage-sama about a potential boycott of Hyuga clan services until they remove every seal would work? You're being treated like house elves and it's horrid. I'll get you the metaphorical clothes and lead you all to freedom."

I glance around before pulling off my Nargle-repelling Uchiha-fan-and-sake-jug scarf and handing it to Neji. Symbols, after all, are very important. "Here," I say solemnly, "here is your piece of clothing, and it stands as my word. I'll free you. Even if it means I have to stand outside the Hokage's office lobbying for the boycott every day."

Neji stares at me for a second, looks enraged, and then … starts laughing almost hysterically, bitterly. "This, this," he wheezes, "is the state of my life. I am reduced to talking to you. I guess that this is all a joke and that Fate does have a sense of humor. That would explain much of what has happened to me. If you'll excuse me, now I have better things to do, like perhaps have the Seal activated for missing a mandatory clan event."

And with that, Neji turns with a flurry of hair—it really is exceedingly soft-looking and nice-smelling—and the smell of fire-smoke and rain. I suppose to myself that that could have gone better and mentally note that my fellow shinobi find passive displays of civil disobedience laughter-inducing.

And he forgot his scarf. And his unfinished pudding cup. Things are truly horrible if that is happening.

…

The rain still falls as I sit quietly in my house scanning over the scrolls of medical jutsu. The phalange is attached to metatarsal bone which is attached to the cuneiform bone. I would try meditating like they taught us in Academy or trying to mold my chakra like I saw with Lady Chiyo do, but my limbs and mind are too restless to concentrate. I feel something I do not know bubble inside of me and I do not like it. Why do I always feel like this? Helpless. Mr. Hokage-sama had laughed—not bitterly like Neji had, instead he sounded resigned like then-Daddy had after then-Mummy died, which made it worse—and said there was nothing to be done. If the Hyuga elders learned I had suggested this things would go badly for Neji because he had an outburst in front of outsiders.

I bite my lip and move my eyes to another passage detailing the tendons of the ankle, trying to calm myself. Anger does not solve anything, not that I would be angry. I am not an angry person. Unless I am in front of Danzo, but he is a special case. Then, I hear a slight thud of foot-steps and feel a familiar chakra signature. It is as elusive and scattering as Neji's—like birds in flight, like wind blowing around me and never at me—but somehow more solid and angry. Brother, Brother is here.

I barely have time to raise my head before I slammed against the wall and fingers tighten around my neck. Brother glares down at me, hair half falling out of his pony-tail. His face also looks incredibly angry. Or as angry as it can look since he seems to be lacking any expression.

"Brother," I manage to gasp as my air supply lessens, "You're tall—taller, older," I do not know why it is this that surprises me out of all the things. It has been five years though it seems longer.

"People do age as time passes. And don't bother calling me Brother, not when we both know I know that you've stolen his body," Brother says in bored tone, "How long have you been inside it now? Five years, six years? Who are you?"

I gasp and Brother's eyes begin to twirl and the world goes red and black. Not this, not again. Something nudges inside my mind and twists. It feels like agony. I lose track of everything except the in-and-outs of my own breathing. It seems somewhere in this Brother has dropped me. That is good. I like breathing. I have found it to be an essential part of being alive.

I stare upwards through my bangs at Brother as he manages to loom over me and back away from me at the same time.

"Brother, Brother," I call carefully at him, "Are you well? You usually don't—well, actually never have—tried to choke me to death before, but you have been away five years. But as you said, people can change. And apparently become homicidal."

Itachi stares at me, eyes flickering up and down. "What have you done to yourself, foolish little brother? You are still you and your memories are still there; there's something that shouldn't be there added," he pauses for a second before adding flatly, "Is this some pathetic attempt to get stronger in order to kill me?"

This time it is my voice that sounds flat. "I've told you I don't want to kill you, not now or ever." I decide to move onto happier topics. "And as for what I've done, it's been quite a while so I have much to tell you. Lately, I've been planning Gai-sensei and Kakashi-sensei's wedding. They used to be mutual givers of orgasm before they got engaged you know—" I glance at Brother's face and it appears he did not know "— I do hope Kakashi-sensei is alright though. He's in Kiri getting Gai-sensei a proper engagement ring, and I heard the old Mizukage just died. Well, I guess the new Mizukage—Mrs. Mei-sama—will be nice enough. Haku says she hasn't tried to perpetrate a genocide even once like the old Mizukage! But anyways, my friend Rock Lee is going to be the ring-bearer. Hyuga Nejia and I are going to be the flower-girls, or suppose flower-boys, because Tenten and Sakura say we're the prettiest—"

"Stop that now," Brother snaps, "and explain."

"But I've just mentioned the last week," I explain eagerly, "I still have to cover the last four years, fifty-one weeks, and eight days. And then there's my before-life where I was blonde and a woman and older and could channel magic chakra through a stick—which we called a wand. Mr. Inoichi says that that is hallucination comes from the irreversible mental trauma that you caused upon my young psyche by 'murdering' the entire family in front of me and then raping my mind, but I don't believe, Brother. Everything—it's real. I'm not crazy—it's just I think differently than everyone else. That's why I know you're innocent."

Brother looks at me for a long second and moves his hands toward me before clasping them behind his back. He recovers after another long second before clearing his throat and asking, "Never mind, I've heard enough about that. Tell me about what happened in Sand with you and the Shukaku jinchuriki."

I try to explain things as simply as possible—concisely and with less metaphors and emotion, that is—since Brother looks as if he is not listening—disinterested in me, what I am saying. When I get to the part about Zabuza and Haku being hired to kidnap me by Danzo and Orochimaru though, Brother's nostrils flare slightly. I quirk my head to the side. "I'm sorry," I tell him, "I'm trying to be straight forward and explain in it a way that is easier to comprehend, but it's rather hard. Is there something I can do to make this easier for you? Or is it talking about Danzo that makes you upset? I can bite his ear off too if you want." It scares me that I sincerely mean this. Violence is abhorrent, but for Brother I would bite off anyone's ear, especially Danzo's.

Brother's nostrils flare even more. "Don't patronize me. I'm quite capable of dealing with Danzo and Orochimaru," Brother snaps, "and—" Brother's eyes widen slightly "—Bite his ear off 'too' … what?"

"What?" I say. Brother taps his foot. "Oh, I bit Zabuza's off … and swallowed it," I confess reluctantly, "I'm worse than a Jashinist now, and Jashinists don't eat people. And then there's my Sharingan. Great-Grandfather Madara wrote all these scrolls saying now that have that I must go off and kill someone precious to me. I suppose he was a Jashinist, too. Is Jashinism genetic? Am I a Jashinist? Are you? "

Brother places his forefingers to his temple and sighs, "So to paraphrase: in the last five years, you have come to the conclusion that you are a reincarnated … witch, committed acts of cannibalism, somehow managed to land yourself on the hit-lists of two of the Continent's most dangerous men, have converted to Jashinism, and are now due to be a flowergirl at Maito Gai's and Hatake's … wedding?"

I tilt my head and nod happily. Brother has been listening. I thought he had just looked dreadfully bored. "All accidentally I suppose, but in summary, yes," I clarify.

Brother glares at me as if this all is somehow this is my fault. "When Sarutobi said that you were different , I thought someone had stolen your… after I deal with Orochimaru and Danzo like Hokage-sama asked me, I'm having Lady Tsuande come here to look at your head … no, I'm taking you to Ame with me and dealing with it there. And killing Hidan for converting you," he grinds out, "Don't tell anyone that I was here. Can you promise me that, Sasuke? I just need a few weeks to fix things here, and then I'll fix whatever I—no, Madara, it was Madara— did to your head."

I nod happily until I realize that with this Brother is leaving. "Wait," I call, "you just said we'd be together again. Don't go—you can't. Last time you left and everyone was dead and it felt like I was dying. I'd go to bed and not want to wake up because I knew you wouldn't be there. Don't leave me." I try to explain this calmly but all I can feel is fear worse than I felt in the black-and-red-world.

Brother turns to me, quickly flicks me away with his finger, and laughs bitter as Neji did. "What," he asks, "do you still think we can be a happy family again, even if I stay?"

"No," I pause, "not happy. I'm not sure if I can be happy again. Not until Life's done and I can see this-Mother and then-Daddy and Donald Pilasy and all my Hogwarts friends and Shisui. I miss them, but I miss you more. Don't leave me. We'll be family. We don't have to be a happy one."

I don't like this, this desperate feeling. In my before-life, my special people made me strong, but I was also strong alone. Now I'm all alone and my special person makes me feel weak and alone.

Brother stops laughing. He pauses and sits beside me. I slow my breathing to the rate of the rise and fall of Brother's chest. He is breathing faster than he should be. I smile hesitantly at him. He doesn't smile back.

He hugs me. "Right now I can only stay for an hour, foolish little brother. Another time, Sasuke," he whispers as my vision blurs.

The next thing I know I'm sitting on my bed listening the gentle pitter-patter of the seemingly never-ending rain on the roof as my fingers strum a samisen. I try to remember how I got here or how I know how to play a samisen in the first place, but I cannot. I recall Mr. Hokage-sama face looking lined as it always does when I ask him why the world is the way it is—

The last time I felt like this was waking up alone after everyone died and Brother left—Brother, Brother was here, but when—where, when, why—I cannot remember. I curl up into a ball and try remembering the titles of all the articles then-Daddy wrote in his newspaper from my before-life. But I cannot remember that either. It seems like I cannot remember many of my memories as time passes and fades.

I look down to my hands still stringing the samisen, forcing myself to set it down, and finally notice the scroll that has been placed beside me. It's a summoning scroll—like for Kakashi-sensei's ninken—and makes a gentle cooing sound as I open it. A white feathers drifts out. Doves. It's for doves. And then I remember Brother used to summon crows that would flap harshly at anyone that got near them, always fleeting and free. Doves, on the other hand, were what this-Mother kept in a cage. For a moment, my mind drifts back to Neji, caged and raging, as he glared at the free birds flapping in the sky. Then, I un-curl from the ball and wonder if I'm really that different.

Doves. If Brother left this for me, I suppose the least I can do is learn how to use it. But I am not Neji and my Fate is only my own. I need to figure out how to do—something on my own. Glaring at birds does not do much as I see things now. I know who I must talk to.

People often forget that doves can peck someone's out anyways. And poop on people.

And musical instruments can easily be used to gently thwack people—brothers, that is— on the heads.

I find myself growing quite weary of losing my thoughts and my memories. Of people telling me my memories are not correct.

…

I suppose in terms of waking sleeping Naras there may be less … painful ways to the Nara in question that is being woken, but Ino and Shikamaru's mother assured me that this is the best way to do so. One does not argue with Ino. Or Shikamaru's mother.

Shikamaru blinks at me blearily from the wet puddle of melting ice. "What do you want? It's three in the goddamn morning. How did you even get in here? Climb in through the window, did you? Troublesome."

I take a bite of the senbei Mrs. Yoshino-san gave me and move to a more comfortable place on Shikamaru's stomach. He makes a pained noise. "Your mother let me in and told me to sit on you and douse you with cold water until you woke up. How else would have gotten in? Or known how to wake you up?" I chirp. Shikamaru raises an eyebrow dubiously. "And she didn't say anything about it being so early because I'm that poor Uchiha orphan; most people are nice to you if they feel sorry for you. Anyways, coming in through the window would be rather rude, wouldn't it? This-Mother would be appalled if someone broke and entered into a her hous—"

A blonde head bangs itself against Shikamaru's window, making small smudges of slobber of the glass. "Eh, Sasuke-bastard! Nara! It's still rainn'; let me in already," Naruto calls. I suppose this-Mother would be appalled at many things Naruto does.

At least this time he has realized to not to try climbing up the tower of clones when his original body formed the base of the structure. Thank spirits for the small blessings. Mentioning The Incident at the cliff still makes the Inner emerge and Naruto reflexively flinch and shield his groin. And he wasn't even the one she tried to throttle.

"Do we have to let him in?" Shikmaru mutters boredly, dragging an icy pillow over his head before groaning and tossing it away from him.

"We were born into this world, we didn't make it, you know," I inform him Shikamaru raises an eyebrow as if this is obvious "—that doesn't mean we cannot remake it though. We could build something beautiful and pretty and sparkly. Something new."

Shikamaru's eyes narrow and his eyebrows furrow as he pokes his head out from under the pile of blankets. "Are you implying that we coat Konoha in glit—wait, how would we even get enough glitter to do that? You woke me up at three for something that wouldn't even work," he hisses.

"No, I woke you up at three because I'm planning to coordinate a mass display of dissatisfaction with the state of our government, Nara Shikamaru," I correct him.

"Mass display of ... You're planning a coup. But of course," Shikamaru says flatly.

I drape myself into a more comfortable position on top of Shikamaru and nod agreeably, "I was thinking more along the lines of a youth revolt by coordinating a sit-in of all chunin candidates at the upcoming exams, but yes, I suppose "coup" is another way of phrasing it. Except this coup will be peaceful. And with ukuleles. Muggles in my then-life always have ukuleles at their youth revolts."

"But how—" Shikamaru is cut off as Naruto begins to bellow at us about protecting my chastity and no-good Naras and punch at the window. The glass tinkles and a sea of Narutos fall into the room around us and poof out of existence. I shake my head sadly. Perhaps I was being thankful for small blessings of Naruto making less horrible plans too early.

"Shush and dispel the rest of your clones, Naruto. Anyways," I continue, ignoring hundreds of blue eyes glaring at Shikamaru, "I came to you first because you're good at thinking and planning and being sneaky, and I'll need a good plan before I can even dream of thinking of convincing Sakura and Ino."

"Wait, why don't you think you need a good plan before convincing me, Bastard?" Naruto demands angrily.

I blink at him slowly and begin to explain, "Naruto, do you remember when you put sugar in the dishwasher? Or when you asked that angry, large sumo wrestler if they were pregnant before they almost pressed you to death with their fat-folds?"

"THAT WAS ONE TIME, BASTARD!" Naruto hisses. I blink at him again. "Okay, but the first one happened twice. Sugar and dish-washing detergent look the exactly same! Besides, can you stop it already? You and Sakura-chan are always reminding me of how stupid I am. I already know that."

"Naruto," I pause, "don't you ever say that. You're not—do you think someone stupid could come up with your special jutsu? Or that someone stupid could face Orochimaru head-on without flinching?—" at this, the lump in the bed I suppose is Shikamaru snorts as if he thinks this is in fact stupid "—you're like me. You just think differently than what people think ninjas should think like. You're honest and good and you're loud and sometimes you're rash and have the purest chakra-aura I have ever encountered outside of Haku's. Right now, I need someone who can be sneaky and slippery in the shadows. Like Nara Shikamaru."

Naruto huffs and sits down on the bed beside me, "I can be sneaky—okay, maybe not as sneaky as Nara—" he shoots a now-snoring lump of Shikamaru a glare "—and you aren't so bad yourself, Bastard. You're … you're the most—what's the word Sakura-chan uses?—unique person I know and I'll break the legs of anyone—" Naruto glares harder at the Shikamaru-lump "—who messes with you."

I feel my eyes begin to mist up. "Oh Naruto," I breathe, "that is the kindest way anyone has ever told me they find me extremely strange."

Naruto's cheeks tinge red and he puffs out his chest. "Bastard," he begins to say, "I—"

"Can we get back to discussing the coup you're planning or am I interrupting something?" Shikamaru drawls in an offended tone from under his heap of blankets. Naruto jumps away from me and flushes harder.

"I'm, I'm gonna go downstairs and, uhhh, get a broom to sweep things up with," Naruto mumbles sheepishly as he hurries out of the room, "Sorry about all the glass of, err, breaking your window, Nara."

"This coup business is all too troublesome," Shikamaru yawns as he emerges from the pile of bedding underneath me, "not worth the bother. You should go back to bed, and we can both forget it happened."

I say nothing and stare at Shikamaru. After a few seconds, Shikamaru shifts uncomfortably. "How is it that people say that I became an orphan anyways?" I ask.

Shikamaru shifts again, but he meets my gaze—not something many people do when this subject comes up. "They say that your prodigy brother snapped from the horrors he saw during the Third War and its aftermath and killed the entire Uchiha clan in one night."

"And do you believe that, Nara Shikamaru?" I ask.

He eyes me warily and says, "It doesn't matter what I believe, only what Hokage-sama tells me to. Even you should know that by know, Uchiha. Stop thinking and wondering all the time. It's easier to accept things as they are."

I twirl a piece of my hair in my finger. "Do you know I noticed you in class whenever they're talking about the glories and wonders and all that about Konoha?" I ask, "When Iruka-sensei was talking about the provocation that led to us annihilating nations in the First, Second, or Third Wars?"

Shikamaru studiously stares at the ceiling, "I was napping. It was a bother to stay awake while he was droning on, that's all."

"No," I counter seriously, "you were rolling your eyes with your eyelids shut. My redheaded friend from my before-life used to do that when Professor Trawampey was telling predictions of Wolpole marrying Hemanniny. She did this because she thought it was hogwash and said that Wolpole would never get his head out his rear long enough to realize he was in love with her. And they ended up dying too young for the prediction to come true anyways."

"So are you predicting that I'm going to marry Ino or something like that but my head's too far up my ass to realize it? What a drag. Go to bed, Uchiha, you must be drunk." With that, Shikamaru shudders and pulls his still wet pillow over his head again.

I sigh, "No, what I'm saying is you have similar facial expressions as an old friend did whenever you hear something that you know to be a lie, and going from as often as I see that expression on your face, you think what the government is teaching us is based upon deceit and propaganda. You don't like the child soldiers, you don't like ignoring the genocide happening in the country right next to us, I would wager what's going on with Hyugas made you just as angry as it made me when I found out."

Shikamaru pokes his head out from the pillow momentarily, brown eyes narrowing. "We're ninja, Uchiha," he drawls, "Honesty and nobility can have no place in our lives. People like Naruto are going to end up killed their first mission gone bad. We kill people just for enough money to drink ourselves into a failing liver and broken marriage. I've seen it happen to my parents. It's no use thinking otherwise."

"But have you ever thought of what if it could be different?" I murmur, "I have, but no one listens to me. They all think that the Wrackspurts have gobbled up my brains and left an empty, mad mind behind. What do you think of that? I know you're not like the others. You know it's a mad world. It's not a mad me."

Shikamaru responds with a snore. Well, that's rather rude. I hesitate before weaving the proper hand-signs. His pillow begins smokes. Shikamaru jumps up cursing, hurtling out of bed in a way the iced water failed to produce. Well, it appears Mrs. Yoshino-san was incorrect when she said this was the second-most effective of getting Shikamaru out of bed.

Shikamaru lands in a crouch and looks at me wide-eyed. "You set my bed on fire, you troublesome trouble," he says falteringly as he nervously covers his ear. I suppose he has heard the rumors about the cannibalism as well?

"Yes," I say calmly, "your mother told me to. She said if that didn't work then I should have her come up and deal with you. Besides, I don't understand why you're so upset. The things that Ino suggested were to dreadful to consider. I could have grabbed your most sensitive spot like I did with those missing-nin, I could have set off an Exploding Dung-bo—"

Shikamaru's eyes grow even wider and he backs away one foot at a time. The stench of Naruto's flatulence is legendary after all. I suppose I should explain the only time I would unleash that outside of combat is in Danzo's face, but if it means he will aid me in ending tyranny.

"Be nice to Uchiha Sasuke, my mother says; he'll be a good influence, she says. So you'll stop trying to drown me and set me on fire if I give my help in planning your youth revolt?" he asks in a tone of resignation.

I smile and nod. It's so lovely when everyone can agree on something.

 


	15. hatake, kakashi hatake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto and Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me, no profit involved. Next chapter should be in two to three weeks. Warnings for plot gestation, Kakashi POV for purposes of exposition, and mentions of violence. Next chapter will be Lunasuke POV and up by within two weeks at the latest.

After a lifetime of being Maito Gai's—and formerly Uchiha Obito's, though Kakashi tries and fails to forget it (horribly, horribly, so horribly he does now whether to laugh or cry)- eternal rival and best friend, Kakashi can say that he is a master ignorerer. It's his defense mechanism. Ignore Kurenai's concerned eyes as she tries to get him out of his ANBU-assigned apartment to meet up with the old gang. Ignore his subconscious screaming when he smothers the Fire Daimyo's troublesome nephew to death. Ignore Gai when he wants to race around the village the next day. Ignore the Uchiha brat's pitchy-black wide eyes so like Obito's, so much like Itachi's when he'd been eleven years old and tiny on his first S-rank mission under Kakashi's command.

It's one thing to shrug and think the abrupt end to the Uchiha clan just as tensions were coming to a head as conveniently-timed 'tragedy' for the village higher-ups. Having lived through two wars he knows worse things have happened. But it's another thing to think this while staring at a kid talking to a rock full of the names of his dead family. Kakashi isn't sure how much longer he can ignore this anymore, even if there is no proof and he knows in the end it was Itachi that did it. But still, in the words of the suave hero Sarutobi, Naruto Sarutobi from Jiraiya-sama's novels, he will have to do something about it and save the damsel (or in Kakashi's case, very strange little genin).

Besides, Kurenai and Genma are Very Worried (capitalized for emphasis), and with Asuma letting himself be towed along with the threat of being Banished to the Couch if he does otherwise, Kakashi is not be able to ignore the current situation (having acute chakra exhaustion, that is). Or even hide from it, for that matter. Not because Kurenai's guilt trip is working, oh no, but because she had been waiting as he tried to sneak out the hospital window with a trap involving a large stone, rope, and too much net to be not angry about that last he skipped out on the barbecue bill for the eight time in a row.

People in their village seem to be think Mitarashi Anko is the kunoichi to be terrified of in their village. Nobody believes Kakashi when he tries to tell them they have it all wrong. Kurenai has tea with _Ibiki_ and discusses what genjutsu are most effective in breaking a man every Tuesday for kami's sake. If Kakashi's life was Jiraiya-sama's novels, Kurenai would definitely be the icy professional—lawful neutral alignment, of course—that he, the chaotic-good hero, would have to reason with to escape her ominous, bureaucracy-loving clutches….

"Asuma, Genma, it's been a while. Kurenai, looking as lovely as ever," Kakashi says as perkily as someone trapped and suspended upside down by his ankles can say, "Is this about that last Yakiniku Q's? I was going to pay you, but there was this enormous whale swallowed me, and along with me, all my—"

"That's quite enough, thank you, Kakashi," Kurenai replies tightly as her red eyes narrow, "Were you just doing that thing where you monologue internally and imagine that you're a Byronic hero from your porn instead of listening to anything we were saying?"

Kakashi looks at her innocently and Genma and Asuma exchange glances as if this is a very stupid question. Kurenai pauses a second, seems to come to this conclusion as well, and looks heavenwards before sighing reproachfully, "Kakashi, you can't just keep sneaking out of hospital windows whenever you feel like it just because the nurse asking how you're doing is too much interaction for you to handle. It's important you get your rest, especially with severe chakra exhaustion after such a strenuous mission. If you want to leave the hospital, policy says you need to check out with a doctor's permission first ... Don't make me bring Gai into this. He's been Very Worried."

Wait, this isn't, Kakashi specifically told them not to tell anyone, don't tell Kakashi the brats have spread the story this far—"Gai and I aren't dating. We're not," Kakashi bites out. If he repeats it enough times, it will become true.

"I know," Kurenai murmurs disapprovingly as she eyes the marks on Kakashi's neck left by a very, very aggressive redheaded cougar, "if you were, you wouldn't have those on your neck."

"Maa, maaa," Kakashi responds blithely, trying to ignore the blood rushing to his head as he tries to fix his mask so his neck is covered, "it was for a mission, doing my duty, you know how it is."

Kurenai's foot—once tapping impatiently—dangerously stills. Kakashi quickly imagines four different escape plans before deciding to divert Kurenai 's attention with tales of Genma corrupting impressionable baby genin with jokes of Kiri-nin and their "relations" with aquatic fauna and Suna-nin's small "kunai". Shiranui has it coming anyways for almost getting baby Uchiha's killed when they repeat what they've heard to enraged Momochi's and Subaku's. If Kakashi had his way, Shiranui would be on demon cat-catching duty for the rest of his life.

Luckily Asuma, easygoing peacemaker that he is, comes to the rescue as he shifts uncomfortably and says, "So you were working with the resistance in Kiri in offing Yagura? He was a jinchuuriki as well, wasn't he? That must have been nasty even with your Sharingan. Was it like they claimed at the meeting? I just can't believe that he could have been a mind-controlled puppet for so long without anyone in Kiri noticing. "

(Kakashi, disturbed by what he saw in the Mist even after all his years in ANBU, wonders whether he should tell them the more gory details of deposed regime's treatment of insurgents that had come to light in the days after Yagura's "passing away peacefully in bed after a prolonged illness" but decides not to. Getting his brain picked by Morino for all the gritty details before being sent unceremoniously to the hospital was enough for him. The thought of it still makes him blanch and want to reach for the closest _Icha Icha_ and snuggle up with his ninken for comfort. Yagura, mad from the wars he must have seen on top of whatever repeated mind-rape the Akatsuki did to him, is one of the one deaths Kakashi does not mind helping cause. Besides, it doesn't add to his body count since he wasn't the one he landed the killing blow. Technically.

Anyways, the only ones who would think of crossing Yagura in his prime—or the Akatsuki going by the name of "Tobi" who mind-whammied him if one wanted to be technical—were those who already grief-mad or powerful enough that they couldn't be worried.

Having seen how the new Mizukage killed her predecessor after he had called her an old maid on top of mocking her family that died in the genocidal "purges," Kakashi thinks Terumi Mei can be called both. But on the other hand, she seems very ardent about making reforms in Kiri's government and improving relations with other villages. At the very least, she won't let what has happened happen again, Kakashi thinks. "You win some, you lose some," as Sakumo used to say.)

Genma spits out his senbon and grinds it under his foot idly, "This is the Bloody Mist we're talking about right? Weren't they having kids kill each other for decades before that Akatsuki group was even supposed to mind-fuck Yagura? What's the difference between one tyrant and another? In the end it doesn't matter to Konoha higher-ups if Terumi is better or worse than Yagura or the Akatsuki because her as Mizukage makes things better for Konoha, right?"

Asuma scowls and reaches for the boxful of cigarettes Kurenai has forbidden him from smoking. "Akatsuki has been poking its head around the border and the Fire Daimyo's getting antsy. We need to band with the other hidden villages if we're gonna get rid of them. If they can do that to one hidden village, they can do it to another, like that thing where they were trying to get Sand to attack us," Asuma drawls lazily, "Besides, I met Terumi on a joint mission about ten years back. She's better than the alternative, and this is getting Rasa off our asses for that mess Danzo made in Suna. This way we now have two allies we're _kind of_ sure won't attack us for when Oto plans to strike during the exams. Hell, my old man says Rasa seems pissed enough he'll help us kill the snake."

Kurenai sighs and moves her hands to pluck tendrils of black hair from the sweat on her forehead. "What are we doing about Danzo again? And is letting Oto in our walls really the best way to draw Orochimaru out? Even with our defenses and Kiri and Suna helping us in exchange for helping get rid of the old Mizukage, it's still risky and I don't like the idea of using a genin as bait—"

"You don't have to worry about the Uchiha boy," Genma interrupts, lips twitching upwards, "Apparently, in addition to his three fan-clubs, the Kazekage's son and the Uzumaki brat are rather … attached. Plus, have you seen what Gai has been teaching that little pink-haired one to do with chakra wire and taijutsu? Not even taking the ANBU squads we'll have observing them into account, no one's going to get past her without a fight, and if they do, then they have to deal with two angry jinchuriki. But that's in the worst-case scenario. Orochimaru's going to be led to where we want him to think the Uchiha is and then cut off from his troops like a lamb being led to slaughter. "

Asuma (having realized that Kurenai replaced his cigarettes with toothpicks while he was napping) nods in agreement and stares mournfully at his box of toothpicks. "Pops says that he's got a plan to deal with Danzo if things start to go to shit. He's being very tight-lipped though. I wonder—"

Kakashi clears his throat since it appears his lovely, not-at-all cruel comrades have forgotten about him trapped and dangling from the ceiling and all his blood rushed to his head ten minutes ago. "Excuse me, gentleman, lady, let me down from this trap and we can go back to my apartment where I can answer all your questions." Kakashi doesn't know (isn't allowed to say) much. He can just say he's heard whispers of whispers about two non-renegade Sannin trotting back to Konoha someday soon ( Jiraiya should be finished fixing up Gaara's seal and headed back to watch Konoha's summer bathing beauties any day now, and as for, Tsunade …. If anyone doubts Ibiki's brutal pragmatic nature, they just need to hear of his latest scheme: luring Tsunade-hime to the hometown she swore never to return to by writing to tell her that her no-good lecherous teammate got a girl in trouble and is refusing to take responsibility is just …. vicious. Hell hath no fury burned like a Senju spurned. Old-timers still talk about the lover's spat between the Second Hokage and Izuna that cost him his life and left old Tobirama with a lifetime grudge against the Uchiha clan, specifically Madara).

Asuma blinks at him slowly and Genma chuckles. Kurenai tosses her hair imperiously and begins to twirl a kunai around her finger. "We can cut you down and go back to your hospital bed," she offers in a manner that is not an offer at all. This is just like that time in _Icha Icha Yuri Harem_ when Kagome-hime was making the proposition to Megami-Sensei that was not a proposition but actually an order—

"Stop translating every aspect of your life to a scene from _those books_ , Hatake," Kurenai commands, "Also, I want to talk about your genin. Also, Naruto has been telling Kiba and Hinata about a 'sit-in' that Sasuke has been teaching him to use against other genin at the exams … I'm not sure what kind of techniques you've been teaching your students, but that sounds very dangerous. There are kinder ways of disabling your opponents then crushing them with your girth. Imagine the damage an Akimichi could inflict. And then there's your and Gai's wedding that they've supposedly been planning. How are you going to break it to them?"

Kakashi makes a noise that can be taken for agreement or resignation and then promptly plummets to the earth as Kurenai releases him from the trap. Just as nobody believes him when he says prim-and-proper Kurenai is terrifying, no one else believes him when he says Sasuke is the most vicious out of all his age group without even attempting to be so. Sitting someone to death, biting off someone's ear, designing a talking stick that _stabs_ people … the aesthetics of how that child is violent would make his Uchiha forefathers proud.

 _Wait, wedding?_ Kakashi thinks. He feels a splitting migraine coming on that has nothing to do with his head hitting the floor.

_Those who abandon their teammates are worse than scum. Those who betray their teammates are worse than scum. Nope, nope—those insubordinate little brats are going to be stuck deworming my ninken … All of them._

…

"Kakashi-sensei, Kakashi-sensei!" The words pull Kakashi back from his lovely, drug-hazy nap in his hospital bed. "Kakashi-sensei? Please wake up, Kakashi-sensei! I was so worried!"

Kakashi tries to turn over but he seems to be covered with a dog-pile of genin. Depleted of chakra as he is, he cannot even move a muscle. Especially since one of the genin is pink-haired and smiling and completely lethal. And she seems to have brought along another little blonde friend. And Sasuke. Who is wearing a glitter-covered green jumpsuit that clashes horribly with the yellow sunflower crown on his head.

Sakura makes her lip tremble slightly and the blonde stares at him reproachfully. Sasuke just stares out the window and hums happily. Kakashi sighs as he resigns himself to whatever Sakura and Sasuke have planned. At the very least, if this the "sit-in" technique Kurenai was speaking about, it doesn't appear dangerous or inciting of rebellion of the youth. The last thing Kakashi needs is Danzo getting twitchy and trying to off one of his genin. Again. Right off the boat from Kiri, Kakashi had to hear from Ibiki how Danzo thinks Sasuke is going to start a coup among the twelve-to-thirteen demographic just because he is interacting with other children his age.

As if that could ever happen.

"Kakashi-sensei, Sakura and I have a favor to ask," the blonde announces authoritatively. Sakura nods along hesitantly, twirling her hair in her fingers.

"Hmmm, can't Sakura speak for herself?" Kakashi mumbles, trying to ignore how young the genin look, how small. If something goes wrong with the Third's plans and they aren't able to stop Orochimaru… Kakashi won't let that happen. Not to Minato's and Kushina's son, not to the brother of the one he failed, not to his little pink-haired, possibly psychotic padawan. He isn't the fourteen-year-old freezing at the snake's killing intent any more. These genin are his to teach, his to protect.

"I can," murmurs Sakura, eyes downcast, "but Ino is really good at getting people to do what she wants, especially important things. Even Sasuke-kun can just look at people and make them do what he wants. I can only punch people to do what I want or lose my temper when they don't."

At this, Ino scowls and tosses her hair. "Shut up, Forehead," Ino demands, "if your awful taijutsu can be improved to the point where you can beat Inuzaka, you can definitely manipulate people. Now put your abnormally large brains to use and remember our kunoichi lessons. It's just easier for me and Sasuke 'caus we're prettier than you. Or least Sasuke-kun is when he's not wearing _that._ " Ino shoots Sasuke's green jumpsuit a dark look Kakashi wholeheartedly agrees with. Sasuke waves at them of happily and then begins babbling about Nargles before Ino shushes him. Because of course.

"Okay, I think I have this now," Sakura clears her throat and blurts quickly, "Kakashi-sensei, Ino-pig and Sasuke-kun keep telling me that your being late all the time and ignoring us are 'maladjusted coping mechanisms,' but can you actually start teaching us now? What if something bad happens and we get attacked by the snake guy and we _die_ because you didn't teach us. We need to be able to defend Sasuke-kun's virtue from perverts. And I want to be Hokage! If Naruto can, then so can I. " After this, Sakura is flushing heavily and looking like she is about to faint at her own daring.

"See, Forehead, it's as easy as breathing," says the blonde who Kakashi is beginning to think is a horrible influence, "You just need to work on your self-confidence. How are you going to be Hokage if you keep on blushing more than Hyuga Hinata?" Kakashi wonders if he should mention that improving upon manipulation of others could also be helped by not discussing the manipulations in front of the manipul-ee but thinks the better of it.

Currently two of the genin are staring at him with huge, watery eyes and quivering lips (Sasuke is … taking to his sunflower crown and adding sparkles to it to match the bedazzled green jumpsuit; Kakashi rues the day he thought leaving the Uchiha with Gai was a good idea). How can he say no to those faces?

Apparently when they ship the Academy boys off to learn how to poke each other with swords, they teach the Academy girls the ways of manipulation and flower-arranging and espionage. Thanks to this, Sakura's (along with every other pre-teen kunoichi's ) puppy-dog eyes and liberal use of guilt-trips are absolutely lethal to suckers like him who feel awkward around a (fake-) crying woman.

What has his life come to? There had been a time when Kakashi had entertained the think idea Lord Third had assigned him Team 7 as cruel and unusual punishment, but he had taken comfort in that Haruno Sakura seemed to be mostly normal. This illusion had been shattered one quiet day when he met the Inner.

Suddenly, the Uchiha brat stops humming, making flower crowns, or whatever it is he is doing and turns pitchy-black eyes to Kakashi. "Kakashi-sensei," he chirps, "try on this flower-crown if you don't mind. I want to see if the essence is Danzo-repelling enough. I'm going to have to make hundreds more for the chunin exams and then for your and Gai-sensei's wedding. Oh, and Mrs. Mei-sama's of course. She said sunflowers are her favorites!"

A lifetime of finally-tuned instincts keeps Kakashi from bashing his face against the wall. When will these children understand that he and Gai are not getting married, it's not going to happen. Kakashi doesn't do emotional attachment or cuddles, especially with people who he could get attached to even if they wear green spandex. Nosiree, commitment does not go with Kakashi's aloof and stoic nature. He's a lone wolf just like the heroes out of Jiraiya's novels, just like the Sarutobi Naruto from _Tales of a Gutsy Ninja_. He's Hatake, Kakashi Hatake and his injured heart cannot take any more heartbreak.

"Wait, did you just Kakashi-sensei was getting married to someone else?" Sakura says suspiciously. Kakashi feels his stomach plummet in a way that has become all too familiar since becoming Team 7's jounin-sensei.

"Yes," Sasuke says absently, "I sent one of my doves to give the new Mizukage a wedding invitation to Kakashi and Gai-sensei's wedding as a symbol of goodwill because Haku says that they think she is less genocidal than the old one. Then she wrote back to me to say that was strange because she is _already married_ to Kakashi-sensei. So I asked her if she'd be open to marrying Gai-sensei as well since if she's the type to marry Kakashi-sensei she must be a very tolerant person."

By the time Sasuke has finished, Kakashi is looking at two sputtering, furious twelve-year-old girls. What is even happening? Kakashi knows he surely must have never done anything to deserve this. Except the Thing with Rin, the other Thing with Obito, the other Thing with Sakumo … upon this consideration, Kakashi thinks he may be the very worst scum and deserves an even worse fate than imminent death by two irate preteens.

"You two-timing, no-good bigamist!" shrieks the blonde Ino. Kakashi suddenly remembers that her father is one of T&I's most accomplished interrogators. It's a Yamanaka family business.

"How could you do that to Gai-sensei and that Mizukage lady?" asks Sakura reproachfully as she cracks her knuckles, "Gai-sensei is so good to you and so _out of your league too_. You, you scoundrel!"

Kakashi raises his hands defensively, all thoughts of Oto and Orochimaru and Danzo fleeing his head. "It isn't what it looks like," he tries to reason with the kunoichi, "It's all a big understanding. I'm sure Sasuke-kun misunderstood what Mizukage-sama wrote to him. Or maybe, Mizukage-sama is playing a joke on us." Kakashi shoots Sasuke a desperate glance.

"Oh there are no misunderstandings, Kakashi-sensei, or at least there are no misunderstandings on my part," Sasuke chirps, "You and Ms. Mizukage-sama got married when you 'consummated your passion' on the Kazekage desk after annihilating her opponent, or at least that's what she told me. It's an ancient ritual for picking a Kage's Consort Extraordinaires that's been around since the Warring Clan era. Well, technically I suppose you are her concubine and not her husband so when you get married Gai-sensei will become her concubine as well. She seemed rather fond of the idea in the letters I wrote to her. She said just a month ago some nasty person told her she'd die an old maid. Now she's going to have two husbands and a love like water that cannot be confined by one thing."

"Wait, what?" Kakashi manages say steadily, not blurting in the slightest. Perhaps it would be a good idea to let the genin beat him to death. He apparently is going to be in a polyamorous relationship with Konoha's Green Beast and Kiri's "Magma-Breathing She-Devil," as Momochi called her. And his preteen students are discussing his sex-life. "No, this can't be happening." Fate (or an angry Mizukage who thinks he cheated on Gai with her) is screwing with him. As usual.

"Eh!" Ino interrupts him, "there's a courting ritual that allows a Kage to have a harem if you have sex on top of a Kage desk?! That''s—"

"Vulgar!" Sakura finishes decisively, flushing as pink as her hair.

"I was going to say amazing, Forehead," Ino huffs, glaring at Sakura, "Kamis, you are such a prude. You know what, I'm going to become Hokage since you obviously can't enjoy the benefits!"

"There's such a thing as morals, Ino-pig! And if you think I'm going to let you be the one with a harem of pretty-boys, you have another thing coming!" snarls Sakura. One can almost see the lightning bolts sparking between the two girls.

Kakashi watches in almost morbid fascination. What is life? And he thought Sasuke was the one he had to worry about with his thing for older men…. apparently, he should warn Asuma that his student is aiming for a collection of husbands. Children these days … Rin would never be like this.

"Sakura, Ino, please calm down and stop making the atmosphere hostile. It's rather bad for the people surrounding you, you know," Sasuke cuts in as it looks like the two girls are about to launch each other through the wall, "Kakashi-sensei looks like his soul is dying internally which is very bad, in case you didn't know—" the two girls apparently do not care about Kakashi's soul dying internally and remain glaring at each other "—well, if the two of you are going to be that way, would you like to practice that calming group sing I was showing you the other day, you know the one for that thing we cannot tell the adults about?"

"No, no!" exclaims Ino hurriedly, breaking the violent tension in the air, "No singing, Sasuke-kun! Your samisen playing is quite good and maybe you'll even be able to use it for a genjutsu one day, kamis know how you learned though, but your singing … please don't sing unless you're using it offensively against enemies, Sasuke-kun!"

Sakura nods empathetically and says, "No singing! Ino and I … will just be leaving to prepare for that thing that , ummm, that— ummmm…." Ino elbows Sakura hard in the stomach and giggles nervously.

"By thing, we mean …. your Maito Gai's and Lady Mizukage's wedding. There's no suspicious thing that we're doing even if Forehead and Sasuke-kun make it seem that way!" Ino titters, "Just wedding-planning going on here. Choji's family is doing the food and I'm doing the flowers …"

Kakashi imagines the event and promptly closes his eyes tunes her out. When he opens his eyes, this will never have happened and he can go back to his single, solitary life. Yes, this is just like that time in _Icha Icha Violence_ when the evil villain made orphaned, friendless Hayao-kun think that he was married when no such thing happened, yes that is what this is.

"Kakashi-sensei? Kakashi-sensei?" a voice cuts in, killing Kakashi's _Icha Icha_ reveries.

"Yes, Sasuke," Kakashi grinds out as he opens his eyes. He is met by a pair of huge, dark eyes staring up at him.

"You seem rather distressed, Kakashi-sensei. Did I do something to upset you?" The puppy-dog eyes are still staring up at him.

Kakashi does what he usually does in this situation and lies through his teeth. "No, not at all Sasuke. I'm just a little tired after the trip. Apparently getting married takes a lot out of me." Big black eyes blink up at him.

"Did you find Gai-sensei a nice ring? I'm sure you did, but I'm guessing that you did not find one for Ms. Mizukage-sama, seeing as how your marriage to her came as a surprise," Sasuke says absently, eyes staring out the window as he rambles, "You can have my this-Mother's ring for her if you like, and you don't have to worry about any of the details. Ino, Sakura, Naruto, and I can plan it all. Oh, I suppose I can ask Hinata and Neji if they want to join in. Neji has been very good with the wedding planning so far. He says it's befitting of a Hyuga so I wager Hinata will be good at it as well. This way they can _bond_ and be like the brother and sister they're meant to be!""

For a second, Kakashi is struck by what an endearing little shit his student is. "Wait, your mother's engagement ring? Sasuke, I …. I can't accept that. We aren't that close." Kakashi needs to remind himself this isn't family, this isn't real. The genin will forget him as soon as they graduate. Everyone does, except Gai anyways. Things are better that way.

"No, Kakashi-sensei," the boy in front of him counters, voice taking the steel edge it so rarely does, "you are our family: Naruto's, Sakura's, and mine. I don't know about Sakura, but I do know that you are the closest thing that Naruto and I have to a father. I mean, closest person that is alive anyways. You don't have to be scared and alone anymore. I'm not going to let anything happen to anyone I care about ever again. And I'm not letting anything happen to people I cared about in the past either. Even if I have to do things I may not like, I'm going to save them."

Kakashi would bet his Sharingan eye that the brat is thinking about Itachi. The brat won't give up her belief in his brother's innocence, but Kakashi saw the bodies in the compound. Having worked with Itachi for years in ANBU, he knows how the boy killed. The bodies screamed Itachi's signature: clean, careful, uncaring. For someone to kill like that, they must have had bits and pieces of their humanity flaking off with every person they wrecked, killed, or ruined. In the end, there's nothing, not even a monster, inside.

Kakashi shakes his head.

"Stop looking at me like that, Kakashi-sensei. People don't break or fracture into pieces like poetry. Do you look broken and see pieces of yourself floating around? I don't see any, and I don't see any of myself, and I didn't see any of Brother. And if it isn't broken, maybe it cannot be fixed, but it can be loved, saved, and never left behind." Black eyes are taking a Sharigan swirl as they suck away any doubt.

Kakashi chuckles halfheartedly. Big promises from a child so small, but Kakashi is half-tempted to believe Sasuke. Sometimes Sasuke is such an endearing little shit Kakashi forgets how unsettling he is. "How do you plan to manage that, eh Sasuke? Sometimes things don't go according to plan. You just have to keep on moving on and doing your best."

"Weren't you the one that says that those who abandon their comrades are worse than scum?" Sasuke counters, "If I keep moving and forget, then I am scum. I won't forget the ones I loved _ever_ , nor will I forget and leave the ones I love now. Can you really call yourself that different? You don't abandon your ghosts. Why should I abandon mine?"

For a moment, the two sit in silence before Sasuke sighs, a brief break on his usually placid face. "I'm sorry, Kakashi-sensei," he murmurs, "I shouldn't have said that. It was cruel. I just ... No one else looks at Brother and see what I do."

"But what you said was true, and forgiveness is a good a trait as any," Kakashi sighs tiredly before changing the subject. "So you and the other brats want me to train you?" He should have gotten along to it far sooner than this. Naruto should be able to learn some of his father's techniques, Sakura should learn some meditation exercises and katas to better channel the Inner's colossal strength, Sasuke can learn one or two of the healing tricks Kakashi picked up from Rin.

Sasuke nods slowly before smiling sweetly. "Kakashi-sensei, you don't think you could teach me that chirpy, bird-like jutsu? It sounds ever so lovely and I do like lightning."

"Wait, 'chirpy, bird-like jutsu' … do you mean Chidori?" Kakashi asks skeptically, thinking of all the damage it can cause. And Sasuke doesn't seem to have much respect for the amazingly awesome name Kakashi came up for it when he was just thirteen.

Sasuke nods empathetically. "Yes, you see Gaara gave me some sand to experiment with glass-blowing. I can use fire jutsu and make some fairly interesting beads, but I have heard about what happens when lightning strikes sand. Imagine what I could create with thechirpy jutsu, Chidori as you call it. It would be like a symphony of elements meeting in a crystal of expression and glass! Oh, I could make you a necklace!"

Kakashi does imagine it and feels the most distressed he has all day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Since I got caught up with the Itachi Shinden episodes after I wrote this and the Wiki was kind of vague on the details, most of the Mist coup was my head-canon. Basically, Tobito is mind-controlling Yagura, the Fourth Mizukage, to be his puppet-figure and rule Kiri, basically making everything there horrible. After sharing intelligence they gained from Zabuza & co and finding about how Orochimaru will try to set them up at the chunin exams, Suna and Konoha are freaked and trying bring the Akatsuki and Orochimaru down, starting by getting rid of puppet government in Kiri and making Mei the Fifth Mizukage. If anyone needs anything cleared up or thinks it wasn't clear before this, let me know and I can try to fix it!

**Author's Note:**

> Summary: Luna wakes up during the Uchiha Massacre and is very confused. In care you couldn't figure out, then-Mother and then-Father are Xenophilius (who Luna was separated from since she was being imprisoned by Voldemort) and Pandora Lovegood (who died from a backfired in front on Luna when she was a child). This-Mother and this-Father are Mikoto and Fugaku Uchiha (who have just been killed by Itachi).


End file.
